I have a mutual attraction with a man, I'm fighting my inner pick-me and it's challenging.
The only reason I'm fighting my inner pick-me, though, is become I'm becoming impatient and frustrated that he hasn't specifically asked me out on a date yet. BUT even if he would, my answer would be "Ask me again in 11 months."
That's because we met in a support group for those struggling with alcoholism. He's been sober for years but I haven't--I've only been sober a month and I'm simply not ready.
In fact, I may have to find another group to attend because I find this man sooooo attractive that I find restraining myself to be challenging.
My Inner Pick-Me tells me to do the following incorrect things:
Number One. Ask him out for coffee...First, asking HIM out is a NO. Second, COFFEE is a No.
Number Two. Bringing some of my baking to the support group, which would be wrong because I'd only be doing it so I can give him some.
Number Three. Ignoring the red flags I've seen so far, which include having been addicted to alcohol, having a criminal past--I do too, but men and women become criminalized for different reasons--not being okay enough to go back to life without attending this support group, him coming from a poor background while I come from an upper middle class one--I've done that before and he just became bitter towards me for not being able to capitalize on the opportunities I had and how he had to work so hard, blah blah blah, MEETING HIM IN AN ADDICTION SUPPORT GROUP.
Other red flags include that I'm older than him but that that he looks older than me, I don't like his choice of fashion, he's short so I worry about him having a short man complex he isn't over, I have a post-secondary education while he doesn't and I've only worked as a professional.
Number Four. What he mostly knows about me is how I look and the fact I can't stop looking at him.
With all that you might wonder what I do like about him. He's facially beautiful, takes care of his body, has good hygiene, says the most insightful things and I've learned a lot from him.
I feel pathetic because I'm drawn to this guy, because my body wants him, he's soooo good looking.
A number of people from the support group were going to go out for coffee afterwards, he asked me to come along and I said yes but then the others--all men--suddenly started backing out and I thought "oh no, they can tell we like each other and they're backing out so we can be alone, and I'm not ready--or even sure--I want to be alone with him," so I backed out too.
Which gets to Number Four. I'm now worried he doesn't like me anymore and feel like I ought to do something to let him know that EVEN THOUGH, I don't want to date anyone right now AND he has red flags.
I swear to God, I need to apply the 12-step approach to my libido.
I keep telling myself "I don't have to act on every attraction AND even if I did, he has yet to ask me for real a date AND if he did he wouldn't be high-value because he knows dating in early sobriety is a bad idea."
Ideally, I don't want to end up with another alcoholic either. I've been with an another alcoholic, almost everyone in my family is an alcoholic or is an alcoholic in recovery (I'm English) and further drinking is so normalized that it took me moving to North America to realize the amount the English drink is not normal or healthy, and that many of my problems stemmed from my drinking, and the attitudes I developed,
Then I wonder if I'm a hypocrite. Do I deserve a man who has not struggled with substance abuse or man who just doesn't like alcohol?
Would I be okay with a man who drank socially? Do I need to limit myself to men who are in recovery ?
Also, am I a snob for seeing a man's working class background as being a red flag?
Both my parents were working class but my father is very intelligent and was given educational opportunities not afforded to most other people of his class due to that and attended a public school (what is called a private school in North America) and managed to capitalize on that. So is my snobbery warranted given I'm from the first generation of my family that didn't grow up in poverty?
At the same time, my father was treated like crap by everyone but his parents and sister for making it into the upper middle class, and I once tried having a relationship with someone from a poor background, he was so jealous and he financially abused me.
I also worry about being taken advantage again. My parents bought me a house--I didn't have to put down a dime for it--and I will inherit most of their assets when they die, which depending on how long they make it could be almost nothing if they live to a hundred, or millions of dollars plus their house.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my Pick-Me analysis of this situation. It helps to write it down.