I’m surprised, but also know I should not feel surprised based on the lessons I’ve learned from FDS. I’m 23 and the guy I’m going to rant about is 38.
Months ago I posted on FDS back when it was still active on Reddit about getting my heart broken in a ridiculous age gap situationship. It went on for two years between me and this man who was 15 years my senior. He eventually said he caught more serious feelings for a woman he had reconnected with at a wedding who he had known since high school/their teenager years. He said he felt a level of comfort with her he couldn’t with me. I understood, but wow did that hurt. Because I realized how much I lowered my standards in the first place to put up with such less than good treatment. This guy does not have his life together either and routinely emotionally neglected me. I once had a pregnancy scare from him too and he said that although he’d be a father and there for me, he would not be with me. He would not be with any one for 18 years at least. Which I understood, but was quite emotionally stunned by.
Only about two months have passed by since I left him alone to be with her and he called me at 4am recently. He wanted to talk to me about his problems (wanted my free emotional labor). Said that the woman he’s with has a kid/a baby, so she’s constantly busy. In this moment I thought about the old, “if he wanted to, he would” philosophy we preach. Like he clearly wanted to be with this woman so her having a baby didn’t stop him from wanting that. Meanwhile he never truly wanted to be in a real relationship with me, hence why even a pregnancy wouldn’t have changed any thing. Thank goodness I wasn’t actually pregnant.
Any how, I ask what’s wrong then? I thought he would be happy. He went on to vent about how they only meet and get intimate every two weeks “whenever she doesn’t have the baby”. He said he’s been feeling miserable, lonely, and that she told him she thinks he might be acting needy. Then he told me sorry that we “couldn’t be together for real”. He mentioned how he misses me, he thinks about me all the time, and that he took me for granted. He said he had difficulty even getting turned on by his girlfriend even though he cares about her. He wasn’t trying to meet with me to get together at last or any thing, but he definitely said things in which I felt were not appropriate for a man who is taken…
Decided to block him after that call ended because the whole situation made me so uncomfortable and confused. I don’t know. It just showed me LVM really do want what they don’t have. He acted all high and mighty, like he was too mature and at too far of a stage in life to be with someone like me. Then he gets with someone his age again finally. A more well established grown woman who has more of her life figured out and a baby she looks after. & all of a sudden he realizes the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Now he knows what it’s like to prioritize a person who can’t prioritize him. He used to tell me he had no patience for my youthful personality. Now that he knows the patience that it takes to date a single mom, he talked about being tempted to come to me.
Pre FDS me would fantasize over the possibility that he wants to take me seriously now. But post FDS me is seeing how low value he really is. Whose to say he wouldn’t be calling someone else if him and I were to ever be together? He always complained to me about every one of his ex cheating on him, but he pretty much verbally cheated on her when he said inappropriate statements over the phone didn’t he?
Red flags I didn’t notice before FDS…
He once told me that no matter who I marry, the guy will go to a strip club for his bachelor party and do terrible things.
He confessed to having bought sex in foreign countries before back when he played professional basketball in Korea… he said he felt very guilty after seeing my posts about the exploitation involved so he seems regretful, but it still disturbed me a lot.
Mentioned how I was too young to date and that his limit would have been 25 (when he was 35 and I was 20). He then went on to say that it doesn’t matter if he’s 35, 45, 50 - she just has to at least be 25… that logic made no sense to me because I still think that a wide age gap matters at every stage of life…
His favorite rapper is Eminem and Jay-Z so I should have known he likely internalized some of the misogynistic lyrics.
Obsessed with legos and action figures still, which is fine by me - I like both of those things, however he definitely spent more money on those items than he would on giving me a good dating experience.
Whenever I would bring up how I’ve emotionally been there for him and he hasn’t done the same, he’d fire back by telling me he didn’t ask for my support.
And I’m sure many many other things I must have not realized were telling me to stay away from him. Part of me felt satisfied to hear him admitting he should have appreciated me more and is unhappy in his new relationship, but I truly feel bad for his girlfriend. Like she’s taking care of a young baby or child while he was calling me. I feel terrible even though I know I didn’t flirt with him. I kind of wish I asked for her name so that I could have potentially found her Instagram to warn her, but I don’t know if that would have been overstepping. I just think she deserves better and more from a man. However I have to worry about my own mental health first as well. I received the most amazing responses from FDS on Reddit back when I was first moving on, so I hope to feel that same community here. Thanks again any sisters who read or respond. 🤍
I think she probably realizes how horrible of a guy he is. Most women learn to stop investing in LVMs by that age. I would even guess that he reached out to you because she noticed how immature he is and he felt rejected by her.
You should only be considering big age gaps after the age of 30. 23 is too young, your prefrontal cortex is not fully formed.
Men like that will never be satisfied and especially with all those red flags, he’s going to constantly paint himself the victim. Also, all his gfs cheated? Unlikely. He probably cheated and got dumped. Blocking and deleting is for the best. It’s always good to be able to criticize your past and see how you’ve grown from pick-me to queen. :) We’ve all had ojr pick-me days, just be glad it’s behind ya. Also, NOT all men are scummy creeps like him, good HV men don’t go to strip clubs and cheat on their partners. Then again, a guy who bought women has a broken moral compass and is just projecting his depravity.
Sometimes easiest solutions are the best - I simply wouldn't recommend picking up the phone if someone calls you at 4 a.m. That's everything you need to know about that person. Impulsive and no manners at all. Glad you blocked him.
I think it’s very grown of you to of not got back into the situation as it can be difficult if you are attracted to them or still have feelings. However, I don’t think it’s because “he’s realised” He’s obviously not getting as much attention as he’d like so he’s looking elsewhere for the time being to inflate his ego. Keep him blocked sis and move on…next 😊