This valentines day I discovered the guy I was interested in has a girlfriend… naturally I was disappointed, but based on his type I doubt we’d have been compatible. I discussed it with my friend and we got into a fight.
His gf is the opposite of me. I would describe my style as simple, yet elegant. I like timeless pieces and high quality things. Also don’t have any tattoos or piercings.
His gf has alternative taste. She wears bright colours, has multicoloured hair and several piercings (multiple ear piercings, labret, and septum ring). Also does stuff like glues crystals to her face and wears e-girl style chokers. To give a visual she looks similar to the rapper Doechii.
I told my friend that based on her appearance he definitely prefers someone “wilder” than me, and I think this triggered her because she has a more similar style + BPD and saw it as an insult.
She called me judgemental, and said I should “keep a more open mind”. I get the whole idea of not judging a book by its cover, but IMO you can infer certain traits by looking at a person’s appearance. Most people don’t glue crystals to their face or wear sexually provocative chokers out in public, so I don’t believe it’s wrong to say that’s “wild”. Personally I think her style is immature and attention seeking, I would not date the male equivalent so I also see that as a red flag for my crush.
Opinions?
First I just want to say that being friends with someone with BPD is highly dangerous for you. BPD is as bad as NPD and ASPD. I've been studying it for years and grew up around narcs and borderlines and they are both abusers and equally evil. For your safety I'd go no contact with her but it's up to you..I've cut out all narcs and borderlines from my life and anyone with a Cluster B diagnosis. They are predators. Also, yes I'd say he wants a pickme most likely and if you don't fit that he's going for someone easy. They deserve each other. Trash deserves trash. Also she's playing games with you abd gaslighting you (all borderlines do is manipulate) by calling you judgemental..it's a way to make you take the focus off the real problem and blame yourself. Don't fall for her lies. Btw I have CPTSD, which shares some traits with BPd but BPD is a personality disorder and CPTSD is a legit trauma response. CPTSD'rs also do not gaslight or manipulate and we aren't sexually seductive like a BPD woman.
I think it is totally OK to have opinions on people’s styles and thinking it’s wild. She may not agree but that’s her opinion.
I also agree with you that you CAN judge a book by its cover for certain things! Like if I see a guy with a naked woman tattooed on him… I’m going to judge him by his cover that he objectifies women and is gross. There’s nothing wrong with it! I mean even different bugs and snakes have physical markings and that can show us if it is poisonous or not.
I’m tired of responses like your friends. “Keep an open mind and stop judging” Like okay. I am allowed to have preferences in what I want in a mate and I’m allowed to have opinions on people’s physical style! Yall probably have opinions on mine but I’m not here verbally shaming you….Also OP, I love love love love loveeeee that you know what appearance you like and expect from a man! It’s so important. Like there’s woman out there who get played by these ugly dusty guys. It’s like girl, I could have told you he would have played you just by looking at him ONCE ! Appearances MATTER ! Personal style matters! Men judge women for what she looks like, I will judge a man for what he looks like!!!
Edited to add: also, I am someone who has a few small feminine dainty tattoos. I know there's men who will be turned off by my tattoos and I know there's women who don't like my tattoos. And that's OK. I don't think they are too judgey or not open minded. I'm not going to tell them that either lol. That's simply their preference. We all have preferences and desires. You're being logical! Not judgement at all! Also, I'm learning to distance myself from people who think my preferences and desires are bad. I had this one friend who told me I had a stick up my ass. BYEEEEEE girl!!!! I haven't talked to her again.
I love alternative stuff but I don't have any tattoos or piercings or dress up as fake alt. Those are called posers and there's nothing wrong with thinking they are because alot of people in those scenes are usually the biggest attention seekers with no talent or taste. You don't have to act like the stamps and bumper stickers they get on their body is revolutionary or anything because usually their tats are often juvenile or shoddy. Even the side shave haircut they get...tattoos... And piercings are all from indigenous cultures that they are extremely ignorant towards.
I don't think calling someone's fashion sense "wild" is really that big a deal. Some people dress more outlandish, some people dress more conservative. And you can judge people for whatever reason you want. People don't come with their life story tattooed on their face; sometimes physical appearance is all you have to go by.
Two words:
Who cares?
weird how she didn’t want to empathize but felt personally attacked. anyone in my life attacked by everything i say makes me side eye them. i dont allow anyone to miscarorgize me
Where I think you're off is when you said this man has a type. He's a man. He will fork anything. His type is anything with a vagina. You don't actually know why he's with but most likely its just because she was the only person who gave him a chance. h