I just went for dinner with another lovely FDSer after a few months! We both aren’t from the United States and are in our early careers. It has been close to 7 months with a man that I’m seeing (He shows HV behaviours, but I’m waiting till I can call him an HVM for real.) We were discussing various podcast episodes and our thoughts on how it applies to our society.
For context: In our country, asking out is not the norm since most people around us are quiet and keep to themselves. Hence, if not for mutual friends or bars/clubs, OLD seems to be a very common way for those in our circles to find men to date.
Both of us have been on OLD for a while, with breaks in between. I was considering writing this post for a while but was afraid of the backlash. However, knowing that the moderators have advised us to take OLD with caution, I decided to pen down a guide based on anecdotal evidence. My goal is to facilitate discussion in the comments and tweak this post accordingly (and hopefully it can become part of the handbook one day maybe 😊)
Here it goes!:
0. Level up first, mentally, physically, financially, any other way you believe so. Plenty of advice from previous sub content and on here too so not much need to elaborate here 😊
1. Choose the app(s) you’d like to go with. Consider researching third-party sources/asking your friends what has worked for them and what kind of people they have found on each app. I personally went with one app at a time (since I want to sort out each source of matches one by one). My friend went with downloading multiple apps at once.
For instance, in our country:
Tinder: Known for hookups and friends with benefits, but quite a few have found a serious partner on it. When I tried it, I couldn’t last on it for more than 2 hours since I don’t like geographic filtering and prefer a lesser number of matches per day.
Hinge: too new, and trashy, both from anecdotes and articles online
Coffee meets Bagel: It was where I met my current boyfriend, and based on my friends, it was where there was the highest chance of meeting the most serious men.
Consider making a quick chart of pros/cons before proceeding.
2. Let’s build your profile.
To make the best use of the algorithm, try to have multiple pictures (about 2/3 the limit.) Make sure you are okay with these pictures being the first thing about you popping up when you search your name on google. Another of my friend mentioned different angles, face vs full body pics, showing off your hobbies, makeup vs fresh-faced… you know the drill, mix it up and make it uniquely you!
This one is huge. Do not use depreciating humour. Do not divulge your values/boundaries/expectations/standards either. However, make sure your prompt answers are uniquely you and not too vague. In our place, “Wanderlust” and “memes” are way too overrated. This was a step neither of us did properly, but it takes practice I guess! Remember to answer at least 3 thoroughly.
If you have friends you trust that are HV, get them to evaluate your profile. Different “vibes” of profiles will attract different types of men, so remember to explore by making changes to your profile over time.
3. Let’s get matching!
3.1 To like or not to like?
Okay, real talk here. Personally, I stayed the hell away from Bumble since I did not like the idea of girls messaging guys first. Getting the guy to message first is a huuuuge indicator of interest we cannot miss. If he wanted to, he would. Make sure he likes you first before you like him. Make sure he texts you first too. If not, YEET HIM SIS! Make sure he also texts you ASAP AND at a reasonable hour. The first text must also be decent, even if it’s not particularly interesting. Make sure it is an actual convo opener and not just a hi. The boyfriend used asked me about school -> small talk, decent and it grew over time. He is very passionate about his niche in computing, but he didn't make me feel dumb for not knowing much about it. I love learning new things too so there’s that! He also found my interest in general psychology interesting.
3.2 Evaluate his profile:
There are some posts on the sub that highlighted key red flag words or phrases (e.g. speaks fluent sarcasm, only knows brooklyn99, friends and anime) Remember to filter out for these.
For pictures, there seems to be a relative split here, so I’ll leave it for you ladies to discuss:
On one hand, there is a logic that men would put more effort and take better pics if they were serious about finding a partner. However, in most serious relationships in my circles, the guy was not that great at taking pictures, but his prompts were very well done. I was thinking that HV men may not take many pictures, to begin with since they *gasp* actually have a life to live and aren’t obsessed with themselves, but hey, that’s just me! In my experience, the guys with really nice pictures turned out to be fuckbois, while some guys with lesser pictures were wholesome and we had better conversations.
3.3 Vet beyond!
Check his LinkedIn profile before matching back. Least likely chance of catfishing. If the guy doesn't have LinkedIn with a real career, I don't think he would be my type of guy. I also knew some of his classmates from college so I got their input. Some of our other mutual friends are his juniors, and similar traits run among friend groups. All these guys were extremely smart and well-rounded individuals, something I liked in my man. He thanks his lucky stars the acquaintance gave him a good word. This guy is also in a loving relationship now and I’m so proud of him :)
Also, ghosting is okay for ladies, remember that. We don’t need to entertain people we no longer like. Remember to not take it personally when a guy ghosts you, the trash took itself out QUEEN! :)
4. Let’s get talking!
4.1 Again, LET HIM TEXT FIRST!!
4.2 If he takes more than a day to respond, dump him. If he negs you, sends/asks you lewd things, anything you find makes you think twice about replying him, dump him. I think there are more articles on the subreddit regarding this. You must get the vibe that you’re his dream girl, use your intuition. If he treats you like a second choice and makes you feel less than, DROP HIM! If he flakes, also block and delete. The first date should NEVER be rescheduled. If it is, it kinda is a goner in my experience. Again, if he wanted to, he would. Video calls before dates are not a norm around here, but it is also a useful strategy here.
4.3 Asking out – he must ask you out first. Usually, he will need to come up with a few options and you can choose what you want. I think it's very nice of them since it shows they can take care of you but also consider your opinion. When I first met the man I’m dating, I asked him to take me to a place that embodies his essence in dates and what he chose didn’t disappoint. It was not the most expensive place, but the food was absolutely AMAZING!
4.4 Use Telegram, you can keep your number private, pictures too. I shared my number after the first date when I was comfortable. It's okay since the guy would be vetting you too as a long-term partner, so they would appreciate following your pace. If he makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, DROP! Moreover, you can delete the chat for both partners, and the blocking is thorough. Deleted texts also don't have notifications as WhatsApp does.
5.1 Delete your profile:
For me, I had rather strict standards when dating, and sometimes I finished the entire list of men in a day. For the apps, it is kinda bad since the algorithm is not optimised. As women, we are definitely pickier so we choose people we would actually want to meet. For men, it is a different ballgame since they literally swipe right on EVERYONE! So it means people who want to meet each other most don’t get the chance since men want to meet everyone and it doesn’t help the algorithm sort properly. Moreover, after you get your “Attractiveness” score, it will set your profile behind and after a while, you will lose your chance to see fresh matches. If you don’t meet your man in a week or 2, delete your profile, and take a break. Head back when you’re ready. Yes, it’s a tedious process, but in finding a man, we need to find ourselves and what we stand for first. I stand for optimising our needs and wants when we look for a long-term partner. (Besides, to be more visible, you either need to pay or be a new user, and I think the latter gets more visibility than the former.)
The single most important factor for OLD success seems to be first-time user men, who may not have dated before, and their account is less than a week old. Most of the good ones get taken in a week tops, but no one can take away the man meant for you. Whether or not you believe the right man is out there for you, you are right. Again, DROP at the first sign of disrespect!
The HV men also vet the women they meet, and they only swipe on the people they like! Moreover, they are direct, and fast, and indicate their request to be exclusive with you soon. You can continue with your scrotation as long as you like. It seems like a healthy period for vetting and exclusivity is 2 months, but you do you! The man knows if you're the right one for him pretty much right away, so let him take the lead.
Pretty much it on my end, and it's a work in progress from my side. Let me know if there’s anything to add! I apologise for the whack formatting since something inside me told me to write it and share it with you guys. I’m tired of getting my dating answers downvoted on Reddit. Let me know what you queens think!