A few days ago the man I’d been dating for a total of seven months, five of which we were exclusive, broke up with me.
I have had several boyfriends and never have I ever had man as gentle, sweet, and genuinely caring. We only dated for seven months, so I can’t say for sure that he was HV, however, he definitely didn’t act low value. We first met on OkCupid and hit it off. The big things matched: he is hot, we’re both childfree, we both have the same faith, we both had similar morals/values, we’re both college educated, we both have interesting hobbies that overlap, our personalities complimented one another, we both are in good places with our finances, and, most importantly, we shared the same long-term goals. Awesomely enough, he even listens to the podcast. (He brought it up, too, which had made me like: uh oh, is he a neckbeard? But nope! He suggested I listen to it because I’d probably like it!)
On paper and in real life, he and I got along great. We genuinely loved one another. However, recently both of our jobs became more demanding. Mine has started to send me on trips to where I can be gone for up to a month straight while his job is planning to send him to a different state for two years starting in the summer. And while we tried long distance (care packages, face timing, letters, calls), the distance was hard on both of us. By the time I was getting back into town this weekend after a month, I knew that I couldn’t go on like this. It made me miserable to go from amazing dates like adults-only skating, museums, concerts, zoos, aquariums, fairs, even once build a bear, and just a bunch of thoughtful, romantic dates paid for and planned by him all ending and being replaced by facetimes where we mostly just talked about how much we missed one another, work, and about the book series we were reading together. (Which we both are avid readers and while some couples have tv shows they watch together, we had books we read together.)
So I get into town and he made reservations for us to go to dinner at a place we both love. I get there and he’s already there at a table with our drinks ordered because he knows what I like to drink. I was upset I’d had all these feelings of breaking up and so instead of inhaling the food like usual, I was picking at it. He kept glancing at my food and it was such an obvious “he knew that I knew that we were over” moment. Then he grabbed my hand and he is normally so warm, but he was ice cold and I interrupted him by whispering, “not here.” And he listened, both of us sighing. It was like... surreal. But we just had to look at each other and we understood. We finished dinner and he walked me back to my car where he privately broke up with me. He listed the reasons: the distance, the fact we weren’t there yet to do something as drastic as move in or change careers for the other, and that while our long-term was compatible, our short-term wasn’t. I just nodded my agreement. We were both miserable and lonely and it wasn’t a good situation, even though being together was amazing.
He didn’t cry until I pulled out a bag full of gifts I had bought that made me think of him while I was traveling (stupid stuff like crickets and cow shaped chocolate mints) and then he started bawling and apologizing and it made me cry, too. I had him come back to mine one last time, not for sex, but just to cuddle and finish off our last day together in each other’s arms reminiscing. And then at midnight we parted ways. After he left I called my sister and she took care of me all of the next day because I was a mess.
It was unfortunate and we were both sad to have the relationship end, but our lives were taking us down completely different paths from one another. There was no cheating, anger, manipulation, abuse, betrayal nor anything remotely bad which is objectively a good thing, but it’s making it hard for me to want to move on. In the case of all of my other exes, if someone asked me if I’d ever get back together with them I’d full heartedly say NO because there was always something bad that triggered the break up. But with my most recent ex? This genuinely feels like a case of right person, wrong time and we left on good terms. I’d feel comfortable trying again in a few years, but I feel like dating an ex is a bad idea. So I’m incredibly conflicted and angry at the world. It doesn’t feel fair that such a healthy, loving relationship was nipped in the bud. I saw such an amazing, happy future with him yet circumstances out of our control drove us apart.
I had a therapy appointment this morning to help facilitate healing and growth as I go through this. We made a plan for me to follow weekly with homework like books and assignments and I think it will help a lot, but I’m still crushed my relationship is over.
So what do you ladies think? Did this break up sound healthy to you? Do you believe in right person, wrong time? Would you give an ex who broke up on good terms another chance?