I want to start by thanking you for creating such an inspiring place where so much content resonates.
I dated a guy for nearly 2 years and we broke up in January '22. We started off having an amazing r'ship but a year in I clocked some LVM behaviour; using my car, leaving messes in my apartment, wanting his freedom but insisting he wanted something meaningful etc. He also worked away a lot so I felt quite lonely. He's late 30s btw.
Aside from that he was funny, kind and super generous - I have an entire apartment full of stuff he gifted me from TVs to plant pots - and my family loved him. He was always kind to them and his family welcomed me, too.
The break up was messy. He let me down big time at Xmas by doing more immature stuff. I made the decision to end things and he wouldn't accept it/took a long time to collect his stuff, kept calling and arguing with me etc. He made a point of returning gifts I bought, accusing me of flirting with other men etc. Yeh, messy.
As we live in a small area, our paths have crossed since on dating apps. We met up in May to clear the air but he ended up bringing up old dirt and I decided to put space between us again. I've dated a load of scrotes since him and admittedly was starting to romanticise what we had in the good 'ole days.
A couple of weeks ago we met whilst drunk in a club and ended up going home together - 9 months on from our break up! This 100% goes against everything I stand for. I feel strongly that you 'don't go back' but I was feeling raw and he was saying all the right things. No excuses. We both said we still loved one another etc. I should also add that he was acting possessive with one of my male friends that night. Not great when I write it down.
I suggested we meet the day after and he brushed me off only to get back in touch a week later. We met, had a civil convo and he brought a form to finally remove me from our joint bank account. I told him the incident had left me confused and he told me straight up that he couldn't do a relationship with me, it had been fun but he wasn't prepared to go there again as i'd hurt him so badly. However he was trying to sleep with me again. I declined saying I had feelings for him and simply couldn't have something casual. He left.
He followed up via text by saying more or less the same thing: he's glad we didn't 'go there' again/will always have feelings for me/can't do relationships/is busy. Blah blah.
So now I feel stupid. My ego is dented. I feel sad that he would keep in touch only to decide we are only good to sleep together. I feel stupid that I went back on my own boundary. I can't decide whether to respect his honestly or feel cheapened that it's all he sees me as being good for IYSWIM. In the background I have a dad who's likely hoy dementia, a stressful job and a lot of shit going down but I know I'm responsible for this incident.
It's clear I have to move on for REAL this time and I'm making strides to do just that. It's made me realise I was secretly hoping for a reconciliation and that my apartment was totally full of stuff and memories of him/us - some of which I felt were ok to keep around. I know better now. I have revisited how much stuff was hanging around and it's on its way to charity stores as I write.
I posted about this in a different female forum and got RAGGED for expecting special treatment/for hurting him/for expecting anything to develop from sex (don't I know that men are wired differently etc etc) and I'm hoping that you FDS peeps will be a kinder yet straight-talking tribe.
Please help me pick my battered esteem off the floor. I'm honestly considering relocating so that I can have a clear break and chance of starting over. Mainly to shake off the limitations of being in such a small town.
Tl:dr I slept with my ex who only sees me as someone to be casual with. I am now regretting the impact this decision had had on my ego.