I'm going to preface this by saying I know dating apps can be a blessing and a curse for most of us. For one thing, they have the potential to expose us to HVM. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like we're in a sea of toads. But the apps have taught me one important thing - how men behave when they're interested in pursuing you. First I'm going to go into detail about an experience I had dating a HVM in another state. Later I'll detail how Tinder (of all apps) showed me the basics of what men do when they're interested in you and how it helped me come to the conclusion that my HVM wasn't.
Case in point. I went out on a date last month in Utah with an incredible man. I was on vacation from LA and met him on Hinge one Friday. We had a very easy, light connection straight away, and he ended up asking me to dinner the following night. This guy was so fantastic - he actually made reservations at a beautiful restaurant overlooking a canyon. This dude screamed high quality and I was so excited to meet him. Before my trip I had a feeling I'd probably try to date while I was on vacation, but was so used to being asked to coffee back home that I didn't even bother to pack nice dinner clothes or a pair of high heels. So I spent the majority of the day of my date shopping for a new wardrobe, getting my nails done, etc. So I meet this guy in person, and it was super obvious from the get go that he was a HVM. He was intelligent, stoic, in the military, had plans for the future, owned property. I actually found myself enjoying his company so much that I was bummed when dinner was over. At the end of dinner he politely asked for my number and if I'd like to see him again. I was like YES absolutely. So that night I texted him when I got back to my airbnb (like he asked me to) and he texts me a few more things. One of them being - is there anything you wanted to ask at dinner but didn't? I told him I couldn't think of anything at the moment, but that I was getting ready for bed. I thanked him again for the amazing time, and that was that. On my drive back to LA a few days later I was actually looking forward to hearing from him again. Thinking I'd be more than happy to meet up with him if he's ever in California or if I was ever in Utah. I was even fantasizing about romantic weekend trips and that the Nevada stateline is probably a good half way point for the both of us.
Then a week passes, and I don't hear a peep from him. In the past I would have texted him something to remind him I was still around and was indeed interested.
I start to realize I probably won't hear from him again. I feel content with this realization, knowing full well if I can attract one HVM that I can attract more. I've been working on abundance mindset/law of attraction, and am slowly starting to believe in the sheer multitude of amazing and attractive men around me all of the time.
So one day at work I told my friend about my amazing date in Utah(my friend is a gay man). I wasn’t seeking advice, I was just excited and wanted to share my positive experience with a friend. My friend, after I told him about the last text conversation I had with my date, (the one where he asked me a question and I ended the conversation by going to bed) told me that it's my turn to text him. That the ball is in my court since I ended the conversation.
So I started second guessing myself. Should I text him? Is the ball actually in my court? So I make the mistake of going to another guy at work for advice. He's like yeah, text him. He goes on to tell me that most guys are going to like me taking the initiative because a lot of girls don't. He then starts going on a rant about his dating life, and I’m just kind of left scratching my head.
I walked away from that conversation and like 5 minutes later snapped out of my confusion.
It doesn't matter that I ended the text conversation to go to bed the night of my date - the ball is not in my court.
The ball is neverin my court. And going back to my original sentiment - Tinder is what woke me up to this.
Because on Tinder, you can completely ignore a dude, and he will STILL message you. While it can be irritating at times, these men are pursuing you for your attention. LVM or HVM, this is what pursuit looks like at a very basic level.
If a man is into you or wants to get to know you, he’s not going to leave the ball in your court for long. He knows on an instinctual level that there are a multitude of men who are also trying to take that metaphoric ball. When we don't realize this - we begin to feel scarcity and start to believe we're the ones who have to do the pursuing.
When I started thinking about the men on Tinder who bombard me with messages even after I don't respond, a lightbulb came on in my head. My Utah date, while he is an amazing HVM, likely wasn't into me. If he was, he would have texted me at some point within the month since our date. If the dudes I ignore on Tinder can send me message after message without so much as a response from me, then Utah could’ve texted me too. I was definitely bummed but it doesn’t take away from my positive experience and opportunity to grow. I'm super proud of myself that I kept my dignity and self worth by leaning back and not taking on the masculine role of pursuer like I would have in the past.
Anyone have similar stories? Dates with HVM where you had to practice allowing him to pursue you afterwords instead of defaulting to old habits? Tips for staying present with the uncertainty that can sometimes come after a date with a HVM?