So, I am a black lady who is Muslim. Therefore I can speak only of this community.
I am been looking for a partner for years and I was rejected constantly first by own African community, then from the others. Mainly for my look (below average), lack of the right degree (Law/Med/Eng, the rest is Disgrace to the family), lack of money (eldest and last few years I spent it paying uni fees for my more traditional siblings to get those golden trio degree, I did it out of love for my parents).
I noticed the following while trying to match with men.
A- My ethnicity is at the bottom of the bottom of choice.
B-If someone is interested, is for my ability to provide. Nobody wanted me at home, but they wanted me to continue what I am doing now. Working outside full-time, taking care of the house-kids-inlaws and my own family. Of course putting my 50% of expenses as well. (In Islam Men should be the provider. Women can chip in if they want, but you can approach marriage only if you can provide for a family.)
C- Those who knew me, considered myself as very chill person. Pay my 50% of the "dates", doesn't ask for something frivolous. Doesn't have big requirements.
I was nearly engaged and the guy on paper was perfect. But of course, a white lady, recently reverted to Islam, joined some courses that he was doing. Boom, I was left for her. He proposed on one knee, got a ring, bought the house that I "found" with him, and they are settling their lives together.
I never expected to live the romantic lives of the few selected women in the world. I was always pretty honest to myself, but for a second I let myself believe in those fairytales. Big error.
So, recently I decided to swap my pictures for something else. A random lady in a blog. White, recently revert, green eyes and very delicate feature (very similar to his future bride)
I joined this very Muslim oriented matchmaking service.
Wow, the amount of good matches is unbelievable high.
People with good jobs, have their own house, had interesting lives, worked abroad and travelled. Are extremely well connected, sometimes handsome as well. In a week, this fictional lady got 55 matches in a week.
As myself, I was lucky with one or two matches a week, mainly people ghosting or clicking by error.
The sad thing is that I made this lady a bit more snobby, high maintenance and such.
This guy who previously talked to my real me, said that he was looking for a humble wife. He has his parents to support, etc. It's a code to say, girl, don't expect lavish gifts or even the bare minimum. I will put food on the table, but don't you dare buying those expensive chocolate. This is from someone that earns the equivalent of 100k in USA, (Software Eng with few years under his belt). The reason, he said, he was scammed by his former fiancee who was a high maintenance lady. At one point, he ghosted me.
Now he reappeared for my fictional character, he promised a holiday in Dubai every year, to renovate the house he already has and let all the furniture choices to this woman. And said that he would like to do some shopping in this exclusive department store before marriage. To treat me "right".
I am hurt. I know that I should not do this. It's barely legal. It's sinful.
But I truly cannot stop. It's fascinating to recognise some of the men I wrote to, some of the profile who ignored me, fighting to get some attention.
And lots of them, are dead serious, which is why it surprised me. They are damn serious, asking to meet relatives, or laying down very precise and quick marriage timeline.
Are Muslim black women just lying to themselves? Because I grew up with the Kumbaya, we are only one big community, nobody is superior, but I have the receipts. White revert, Arabs, South Asians then African. And black women, are at the bottom of all. It's quite scary.
I don't know what to do. I am giving up on marriage, it's a hurtful process as the expectations and the tensions in my house is so high as everyone else is getting married and my parents are pressuring me. Why can't you find someone?? - Well, nobody seems to be interested.
What should I do now? I am quite knew to FDS, still a pick me inside. I feel like I can read and agree to all of it, but not able to even start to apply. I have the sense that I would ended up like a lot of black muslim lady that I see in the masjid, working crazy hours, husband doing the bare minimum, birthing children and breaking their back in the house. Meanwhile, the same men from my community married to "whiteness" are working hard to provide, and their wives are free to rest, to enjoy their money as they like, to pamper themselves.
Sorry, guys. I am maybe oversharing, I feel completely hopeless in this sector. While a read all those great advice, that I try to apply, I got crickets and awful messages of being too ugly to have that. But playing the same game, under the name of another person, I got called lady with boundaries or a queen.
Any advice would be great, especially for the pick me tendency, the brutal the better, I have no self-esteem left, so best to scrap the bottom of the barrel now.