After reading this excellent post by @SayNad, I am beginning to wonder if the reason why FDS is so intimidating and even terrifying for some women is because it demands that you adore yourself and think highly of yourself, that you put YOUR needs, desires, and comfort first, that you no longer lose yourself in a man but take responsibility for your own life. It's a lot to ask when, from the time we are little girls, we are taught to be small, subservient, and to put ourselves down, to never get "too full of ourselves" or be too confident.
FDS is such a powerful message because it insists to women YOU ARE A GODDESS. But you have to live in accordance with that. You have to believe in your own beauty, worth, and queendom. You have to live your life for you, not wait around for some man to finally make you feel all the things you've wanted to feel, like loved and cherished and appreciated. You must give these things to yourself and only allow people into your life who also make you feel valued.
FDS doesn't fill our brains with lies and fantasies. It doesn't give us false hope. It doesn't claim that we will all meet the man of our dreams. There is something very freeing about it. It tells us to do the work on ourselves, fiercely protect our hearts, and KNOW OUR WORTH.
Maybe women are so terrified of FDS because they are terrified of the power they know is inside them. It's a power they've been estranged from, a power they have suppressed because no one could handle it. Women get very good at being docile and hiding their true feelings. They conform themselves to male fantasies and desires. They forget who they are. They drown out the voice inside them that tells them they deserve more, they deserve better. They suppress their intuition and anger. They are taught to put up with toxic male behavior. They are called crazy for having normal reactions to what is done to them.
I believe many women numb themselves just to survive this patriarchal world. They don't know what else to do. Why love yourself when men discard you like trash? Why see your magnificence when the world just tells you that you're not good enough and you don't measure up?
It is a radical act to say "I matter. I am lovable. I am beautiful. I am sacred. You will treat me with respect and care and dignity or you will not get access to me." This is what FDS encourages us to do.
In a world that beats us down, makes us hate ourselves, always tells us we are not good enough, FDS gives us an alternative. It tells us we are enough, and we should never ever tolerate any man who doesn't see how magnificent we are. But that might mean going it alone. It might mean losing friends. It might mean standing on your own in your truth because maybe everyone around you thinks you're nothing. Well, you are not nothing.
Everything you need is inside you. Everything you are searching for is inside you. Never forget how sacred and wonderful you truly are, and never let anyone take away your power or make you feel less than.
I know I've posted this before but it's relevant. Even though this quote is in relation to radical feminism, it is applicable as FDS aligns with much of radical feminist principles. Accepting FDS means accepting that misogyny exists in society, including in the context of dating and relationships, and as women we must learn to fight back and navigate that misogyny throughout our life.
Many women are in denial of this as it is an objectively shitty thing to come to terms with. Ignorance is bliss for these women. Until it isn't. That's when you'll catch them in places like r/breakingmom and other spaces where they do pickme mental gymnastics to justify awful male behaviour and/or throw other women under the bus.
This is part of the reason why women are afraid of FDS, but on a more superficial level, they are terrified that the message might (and most likely will) point out how horrible their own partners are, and they want to keep their heads in the sand, so they don't have to go through the pain of facing the truth of their own relationships, and the pain of the inevitable break up.
I sent fds to two gfs. One listened to it and took the message in. The other refused to listen to any videos I sent and told me they were "man hating" videos. Sooooo.. shrugs.
FDS and rad fem is when you WAKE THE FUCK UP to the reality around you. And that reality is infuriating and often frightening. But mostly it just threw gasoline on the fire in me that's been burning for a long, long time.
Exactly right, and this idea ties in with limerence too. In my experience, the limerent object reflects facets of ourselves that we have not yet discovered or tapped into. To your point, the captivating beauty, charm, and wisdom we desire in someone else is already within us.
💯 I definitely went through a healing phase there of “standing on my own in my own truth” because nearly everyone I once had around me devalued me while acting like they cared. So many subtle emotional vampires just pretending. It was like sleeping with the enemy.
FDS felt like home - finally it all clicked. I started taking better care of myself, I started cutting out the haters and users. My blood relatives were big mad I wasn’t doing crap for any of them anymore. Anyone who wasn’t reciprocal and didn’t have my back fully, I cut off. This slowly made room for some incredible women friends to get closer. I’m on track to eventually have a Golden Girls-esque 3rd chapter. I love it here. 💕😘
Beautifully written! my entire life has looked up and my confidence has soared since discovering FDS a year ago
All of my awful “friends” detested my newfound strength and boundaries and all dipped or I cut them off lol. Now I have so much room to grow and to love on myself and never tolerate bullshit again
They know they are pickme's. I thought FDS was over the top, having high standards keeps all men away, being intolerant keeps everyone away. I chose the classic jobless gamer because he's nice and a dude who recently worked at a supermarket still on his moms tit, he rather buy a ps5 game than buy things to look like a gentleman. I said I like a man in a suit and he arrived in a suit that probably belonged to his dad because it looks not ironed and too big. I thought I found something better but he lied about his employment saying he's an entrepreneur.
Also the disrespect when the love bombing is over is infuriating.
This is why I have standards now. Defend and provide, I deserve respect I am worthy of being cherished by whoever wants to enter my life. Every single day, not when it suits him or when he wants to but whenever I want to be respected and cherished. If he doesn't or no longer meet my standards It's goodbye.
I love your posts. Always deeply insightful and beautifully written ❤️