I'm at that age, I guess, mid-thirties, where my coupled friends are very, very eager to see me coupled up. Far more so than I am.
So they keep asking me what I'm looking for in a man, and I give them a list of about ten items of things that I am looking for in a partner. (Because I've been in relationships, and dated, and reflected, and now very clearly understand what will work best for me in a long-term partnership.)
Of course, these friends act like I am UNBELIEVABLY unrealistic, and that if I really, really want a man (which...I don't?), I have to SERIOUSLY reconsider my list, and pick maybe ONE or TWO things that I REALLY want in a man.
And so, I found, I can honestly summarize my ten checklist-items down into two. I am really looking for a man who:
1) I am physically attracted to, and
2) shares my values
I went out with a guy recently who I really liked but during the date revealed a total deal-breaker red-flag and so I won't be seeing him again. My one friend railed on me about how he just needs help/building/etc. (he's 40?), and her husband chimed in too, and I'm sitting there thinking "If I were to follow your advice I would get my ass beat and possibly shot." They don't even know the guy--why are people SO QUICK to defend a man's worst admissions? Like I'm the one who is your friend--shouldn't you have my back?
Anyway, just a small rant to those who can relate. Misery loves company, as they say, and perhaps my unhappily-coupled friends need to justify their situations by imparting their "advice" to me.
I love my life, ladies. I honestly love my life. I'm travelling and working and I have my dogs, my reading, my movies, my adventures. I don't have to ask permission to anyone for anything for any reason. I can spend my money exactly as I like.
And when I do date, it's fun! As it should be!
I have no complaints, and I don't need unhappy people trying to couple me up with some totally unsuitable person.
Stay sane out there ladies! ✌️
You’re not asking for much. A 40 year old man who’s still unsuccessful? Forget having a loser when you can be alone and take care of yourself!
Time for some new friends. You can do better than them
I’m in a similar boat. Currently very content and single after some awful dating experiences and have a subterranean level of interest/time in dating right now, especially online.
Several of my friends - who sound a lot like yours - will try to set me up with anyone who springs to mind, from the estate agent who valued my house through to my new tenant who I’ve only known for 3 weeks. I have had to firmly say ‘no, that’s not what I’m looking for.’ Being single is not a holding period in my life. It’s my current lifestyle and I’m down for it, thank you very much.
I think friends like these are *so* keen for us to fit their mould they overlook the real reservations any sane independent woman would have about a shaky dating prospect. Maybe they overlooked a lot of shit to be in their own positions.
The remedy for me (apart from moaning in this space!) is to seek out other happily single women and share more of my energy with them. I hope you stay sane in this quest but I 100% relate. It’s High value or the highway…
Just get them drunk and then ask them about their shitty relationships/marriages. Record it secretly and the next time they ask, just play them the whole ass audiofile.
I can empathise OP. It's upsetting when a friend advocates for some LVM over you, their friend. Personally I've dropped friends for this behaviour because IMO a real friend should advocate for YOU and be on YOUR side, not the side of some guy they don't even know. If you don't want to drop these friends, then maybe tell them that you no longer want to discuss your dating life with them and change the subject every time they bring it up after that. If they take the hint, well and good. If they still badger you, then you probably will have to drop them because they clearly don't respect you.
You know this already, so I'll say this as a reminder for the ladies who need it:
Don't ever let anyone shame/streamroll you out of your standards.
Those two requirements you listed are mine as well, and finding someone who meets both of those is difficult.
Almost all my close friends who are in LTRs occasionally admit to me that they are still with the person they’ve been with for 10+ years simply because they can’t stand being alone. On social media it’s all “Everything is perfect and this is my soul mate,” but privately they have told me the truth. One of them once told me they were jealous of another friend’s relationship because “She and her boyfriend seem to really enjoy being around one another.” That told me she doesn’t even enjoy being around her boyfriend, yet she stays and they’ve been together almost 10 years. If that’s what works for them, then great; I don’t begrudge them for that. To some, it’s not worth it though. Some people have an easier time living alone, so they can set more specific expectations. I think that sometimes when people “settle,” they are resentful when others aren’t willing to do the same. I believe they wish they could’ve managed singleness long enough to find someone that was truly a good fit from them, but for whatever reason they couldn’t or wouldn’t.
Same here. As soon as your r/ship is over they dare to tell you everything. It's like a stupid competition between women who can gaslight the other women the most about their soooooooo happy r/ship. It's about who smiles the brightest and lies the best.
Misery loves company
I literally have the same main two standards you do, and it's amazing how many people argue that's unrealistic. I've asked people why when they tell me this and I've never gotten a good answer.
I'm mid thirties and married and I have friends I of course would like to see coupled up in a healthy relationship. But I also have friends that are married that I would LOVE to see divorce their awful husbands lol. Friends that want to see you lower your standards and settle is a more misery loves company situation than wanting to see you happy.