Handbook posts: A recipe for good Dating

I did not write this post, I had it saved from the subreddit. I do not own the intellectual property. If you are the original author and would like it taken down, please let me know. (I'm not sure of the original title tbh)

Apologies for the title that makes this sounds like a crock pot recipe...! I have been creating a mental list of practical tips that work really well for me, and I want to share. I just saw a post requesting this information, and I started writing one of my long comments so I thought, no, this needs to be talked about in its own right! This is not a cheat code, you have to really have the standards if you want to signal them. Please add yours too.

Obligatory caveat/ reminder: You already know you have to be in the company of an HVM in the first place. No amount of standard-signalling is going to change who's sitting across the table from you. Do not try to train an LVM. Some of these tips work as small tests to establish a man's disposition. Essentially, for me it's mainly about spotting opprtunities for him to demonstrate his true nature, and hanging back to see what he does. The point of showing your standards is to demonstrate your worth, not to teach him how to be your man. It also forms an important part of getting to know each other, personal preferences, habits, little cute quirks, etc

Secondary caveat/ reminder: Know your standards and your personal style. For me, some of the standards I look for in a man are manners, chivalry, thoughtfulness, financial security, generosity both material and emotional, gentlemanliness, intelligence, initiative, and being observant. My personal style is ladylike elegance. There's no point expecting a man to treat me like a queen, if I'm not one. Lead by example and be honest with yourself about your standards and style. Live up to your own image of yourself before you try to find a man who you'll be compatible with.

Of all the practical tips I'm about to list, I would say there are two key aspects. The first is pace. Slow your pace down a little bit to create opportunities for him to demonstrate his true nature. Don’t rush to fill the gaps. The second is the power of being indirect. This avoids coming across as brash or spoiled. If you are a high value woman, you have manners and tact!

Don’t be rude, no one likes a rude person, unless they have an overwhelming domination fetish, in which case you do not want them. But you are right that too much interest is a turn off. Re-direct that interest to yourself. Always make yourself and your own life, pursuits, hobbies, goals, the most interesting thing on your docket. You must learn to prefer being alone more than anything. Then you will exude a natural aura of unreachability that will drive men wild, without any stress to yourself trying to maintain this image. There will be no maintenance, it will be completely natural and comfortable for you.

Of course, you can enjoy the company of the right man. But if you have a natural desire to be alone more than anything you will not center him in your world. Men love this. LVM interpret this as wanting women to pursue them, because they mistake this behavior for independence and free thinking. What a good man really wants is a woman who is so independent that he has to pursue her and face the possibility of an initial rejection, as well as the constant threat of uncertainty. This excites them. Male female relations should always be an eternal dance of men pursuing, never quite sure of their place. Of course the relationship should also be meaningful and mutually satisfying, and men should be given opportunities to be men. This is not putting up with LVM behavior, rather, giving them opportunities to pay, to fix things around your house, to help you by carrying your furniture or heavy groceries upstairs, and so on. Even if you can do all of this yourself, let him do it because it will please him to be useful to you and it will make him feel secure. If you are going to buy a new car, even if you are an expert on cars, it doesn’t hurt to ask him his opinion if he fancies himself a car buff, even if you completely disregard his advice because you know better than he does. He will still appreciate that you sought his manly opinion.

But if a woman always puts herself first then a good man will always respect her, and be excited by the opportunity to prove that his is worthy, again and again.

ACTUAL PRACTICAL THINGS YOU CAN DO ON YOUR NEXT DATE - PICK/ CHOOSE/ ADAPT ACCORDING TO YOUR STANDARDS AND YOUR STYLE:

When approaching doors or chairs, have both your hands softly clasped on your handbag etc and slow your pace. Mind your posture, very important here. This just gives him a couple of seconds to get in there and open the door/ pull out the chair, if he’s going to. If he doesn’t, your hesitation gently signals that you were expecting him to, and if he notices and cares he will do it next time. You can’t be stuffy about doors, sometimes it’s just awkward for him to open them. I generally find 50% or more success rate is quite acceptable.

When you ask for your coat, instead of taking it from him, give a little smile of thanks, and turn around and put out your arms (behind you, not out to the sides - you're not a 4 year old). He should help you find the armholes then ease the coat up a bit and then you take it from there. When you’re in the passenger seat of his car (obviously this is further down the line!!!), or you are in a taxi and you’re about to get out: wait until the car has stopped and then spend a few seconds straightening yourself out or fussing with your handbag. He might hop round and open your door in this time, and if he does, a brief but beautiful smile looking upward toward him will have him floating on a cloud, and he’ll make sure to do it always. One day - months down the line - tell him that it was something you first noticed in the early stages with him, and that you appreciated it. An HVM will try to build on this and keep finding more nice things to do.

In a restaurant, if something is wrong, for example you need another napkin or whatever, always tell him, before you tell the waiter. This gives him the chance to fix it for you by calling he waiter and requesting what you need. If he does this discreetly and smoothly, this is a good sign and believe me, you can get used to this kind of respect. It’s bloody lovely and it permeates through your relationship. As you build on this, there is eventually a subtext that you think highly enough of him to allow him to do things for you, even though you are perfectly capable of doing it yourself.

When the bill comes you don’t even notice it. When your glass is empty you don’t notice. If he’s going to take care of it, sometimes he needs time to notice, or for you both to finish a part of a conversation. Try to avoid topping up your own water/ wine glass. If it goes on too long and you're thirsty, try to wait until you are the one telling an interesting story, pause, and say, hold on, I need a drink. Slow it all down and refill your glass. Choose the water not the wine if both are available. Take a drink in the spotlight and then resume your story. HVM should notice that he could have prevented that interruption by being proactive sooner. Always thank him after he's paid the bill, not as part of an umbrella 'thanks for a good time end of date' thanks. It's part of the fun. Don't say 'thank you for paying'. Either just say 'thank you' or 'thank you, the food was lovely'. Ie it's not about the money it's about the experience. Make eye contact, it's a nice moment that acknowledges this is a potentially romantic situation, not just friends grabbing a bite. He should enjoy it too.

If you have jewellery that you received from someone you love, and you like it, wear it on a date. If he comments, just say ‘thank you, it was a present’ and move on. If you have nice jewellery that you bought yourself, say 'thank you, I bought this to celebrate X' (tell the truth). Doing all of the above signals it's not costume jewellery, it's of value, and/ or sentiment. No harm in costume jewellery - as a reminder I'm just talking from my personal style. You can alter it to suit you and your tastes. It could be that you're wearing a treasured band t shirt in which case say 'thanks I got this at the gig at X'. It could be your sense of humour in which case say 'thanks I think it's really important to see the funny side of life' Basically, use certain compliments to amplify certain messages.

In conversation, get used to pauses. If you're smart, sparkly, and witty, it's easy to fall into the habit of filling the gaps. But that's not what you're there for. Wait and see what he does. Don't make it awkward, obviously! But if it IS truly awkward, you can lean into that if you feel it's right. Use your judgement and be ready to ask an interesting question or make an observation at the right time. Just watch that you're not carrying it. The pause is a power move in many contexts, and being comfortable with them demonstrates many high value traits in you eg confidence, expectation, strength, calmness.

If you said you need to leave by a certain time/ can only have one course/ drink/ whatever limitation you set at the beginning of the date, you have to stick to it. This shows you mean what you say and he can be as charming as he likes, he isn't changing your plans.

Indirect examples and observations are incredibly valuable in demonstrating your standards. For example 'I went to the ballet the other week. I loved the experience, but I was a little disappointed to see so many people wearing jeans. Personally I love an excuse to put on a nice dress, it's part of what makes it special.' Or whatever matters to you. It's just a template. Don't do solely negative comparisons, also talk about behaviours that you noticed or that your friends/ family exhibit, that you value. This one really is all down to you and your style. Finally - only do this as part of conversation, don't go out of your way to say this stuff just for the effect.

Don't be a snob, don't put other people down, but do call upon all your experiences in life to convery what you do and don't like.

Let men know when they Disappoint you:

Don’t be afraid of being “confrontational”, let them know from the outset when they do something you don’t like. Last night a guy I’m dating texted me to come join him for pizza he was already eating and said he saved a few slices for me. He was just nearby “watching the game”. I politely declined and said I had plans to eat somewhere else. He said oh, ok. I then said “it would have been nice to join you from the beginning”. He said he thought I was resting and didn’t want to bother me. Fair enough, but he also hasn’t tried to see me enough and I flat out told him that. Several minutes later he says “Am I in the doghouse? Because I don’t like being in there.” We later met up for drinks and he paid for everything and was a perfect gentleman. Don’t be afraid to be assertive and let them know what you want and expect. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

Very true. A guy I was dating didn't communicate for about two weeks because of Thanksgiving and his family being in town. When he reached out again, I said: "I'm disappointed that I didn't hear from you and frankly surprised to hear from you now". He apologized and then volunteered to be better at communication. I didn't nag him. I didn't have to. I just told him I was disappointed. It's better to lay down your feelings and see how they deal with them rather than say "You should have..."

Then, he kept texting me and I just answered whatever questions he asked. A few hours after he established communication with me again, he asked if he could make it up to me and wanted to cook for me. I waited a day to respond and said "What do you have in mind?" On our 4th date, he made an amazing meal. He brought over wine and ice cream, too.

Journalling

If you're actively dating/talking to guys/involved with men, you should be keeping a record of how your relationship is going. It is the proactive FDS way to evaluate your relationship progression regularly. You need to make sure what's going on in your life aligns with your 5-yr-plan and vision of how you want to be treated by a partner. You've read the handbook, so you know your standards, right? This should make your job weeding losers out much easier. Journaling and taking notes of each date and each convo can help you a lot too.

The more you let your mind give him the benefit of the doubt and ignore micro-red-flags, the worse off you will be. It is easy to block out little negs and digs and believe the best in people. You need to override that impulse and write down exactly what happened in a notebook instead.

You need to be keeping notes in your phone or in an actual paper journal. What to include? The dates he's taken you on. What he's said to you. Does he keep his promises or not? Are things moving along to your liking, or is he stalling commitment? Are you happy? What is your dominant emotion in this relationship?

You need to take stock just as you would sit down and plan your budget, financial goals, and educational goals. The biggest myth society has ever cajoled us into believing is that dating * happens * to us. That you wait around for a prince. That you go with the flow. Nah. You need to be actively making sure you only associate with people who treat you the way you want to be treated. You need to be picky and selective, and not settle for the first shmuck who gives you attention. This is how you get what you want out of your dating life. You observe how he's been treating you, how you've been feeling, and whether it aligns with how you see your life going. You strategize. You make sure that you're getting what you want out of your dating life. You have the same foresight and confidence with it as you do with planning your career. You can't just let love happen to you, only women who end up with LVM do that.

Trust me. Strategize. Keep a journal. Take notes of how your interactions with men are going. This will change your life. Try it for a month.

When you're having conversations with a guy, I also want you to write down negs, condescending comments,"jokes" that were mean-spirited but he pretended were jokes, times he didn't respond to you with the encouragement, support, and love you deserve and you yourself would give a loved one.

This is very important. The mind blacks out trauma and hurtful comments. And then in hindsight, you're like, oh fuck, all those comments and all those red flags, how could I have been so foolish?

This is why you need to start keeping notes. Don't fool yourself or play yourself.

YOU CANNOT GIVE A PERSON THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT IS ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING, "I AM GOING TO DELIBERATELY IGNORE RED FLAGS AND PLAY MYSELF."

TAKE NOTES. KEEP A JOURNAL.

If some of you would have kept a journal about your LVM ex, it would've been easier to realize how trash he is. Would've went something like this.

January: He is so great, took me out, super kind and loving

February: not as much effort as last month

March: Seems to pick fights with me for no good reason

April: The last time I felt happy was January

May: We broke up and made up again and now everything is great!!!

June: I have never been so depressed

In the heat of the moment, it is hard to see what is going on. But you can't tell me that any woman in her right mind, when confronted with a pattern, in her own writing, is not going to leave a LVM once she sees the pattern. By March or April she would've left upon reading her notes.

without notes or looking back objectively, when you're in the moment, it is easier to have your time wasted well into July and September and overlook all of the little moments. Don't play yourselves.

@SayNad