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Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
I've been interested in international dating online/offline since I was like 14. Here is what I learned from dating between different cultures.
First off, I'd like to make it clear that I am not interested in making blanket statements about races/cultures. What I am interested in is YOUR (female) safety. No one wants to look like a racist dick, so no one really talks about how it is to date out of your own culture because of that taboo. However, with the emerging hate crimes and what I witnessed in my home country, I see that we need to openly talk about this URGENTLY. I need to warn you about certain things. Also, English is not my mother tongue. Therefore, send me a message/comment when my wording seems unacceptable. It is often because I fail to fully articulate what I am thinking in English. I mean one thing but looks like I mean something entirely different and I sound rude/funny.
Anyways, let's get started.
I often gave examples from different countries because it is the most striking one. But the same logic applies to all kinds of inter-cultural relationships. It’s not really about country or race actually. It’s mostly about the power between 2 different individuals with 2 different backgrounds, and how to master that in order to protect yourself and serve your highest good.
Note: “His women” means women from his country in short.
A) The most frequent mistake (and I am very guilty of this) is to give the benefit of doubt.
You think he did what he did because it is okay in his culture. You assume he didn’t cater to your needs because he didn’t know you expected a certain thing due to cultural differences. Or you assume he didn’t mean this, but his English is poor.
Never, never, ever let any culture get a hold on you and your boundaries/standards. I don’t care if he comes from outer space or Mars. What I care is MY boundaries, MY needs, MY standards.
If you are not used to that specific behavior and if you are not willing to change your opinion about it, enforce your own expectations. If he stands too close to you, do not assume he is doing it bc it’s a “warm” culture. Why are you assuming why he does what he does?! That’s not your task! Your task is to think about whether or not what he is doing suits your needs, wants and desires. Ask him to move away. If he doesn’t drop you off to bus-stop at night, but in your culture you are used to it and wish to continue, do not bite your tongue and shut up. TELL HIM to drop you off. Tell him you need this. You don’t have to comply to that. Because:
1) You are still worthy, valid and you are you, so you can expect what you want to expect even in Jupiter.
2) Predators know it veeery well that foreign women comply to what is presented to them as “cultural norm” and make use of this plot-hole.
They often present you their perverted, rapey or dismissive, rude behavior as “that’s how we do it in my country” and expect you to be okay with it because you don’t want to look “racist”, “misfit”, “self-righteous tourist/immigrant”. Never accept anything less than what you want, what you need and what you used to see as polite. I can’t stress this enough. Predators know this very well and exploit your lack of courage to enforce your own way of living.
Vetting Question: Ask yourself if you’d date him if he was from your country. Because more often than not, you over-look redflags as you simply do not want to see it. You want to enjoy this different experience, so you shh your gut feeling. Ask yourself:
1) Do I really like him or do I just like different experiences? Am I lacking adrenaline and excitement in life? Or am I just with him because it is different and adventurous?
If so, you are 100% overlooking his red-flags. This thinking is very important in normal dating vetting strategy too. Because if you are lacking something in your life, you will 100% try to find it in him and overlook his shit. Be brutally honest with yourself. Let’s say he lied you once and you wonder if it’s a redflag or a mistake. Instead of thinking what HE DID, think about what YOU NEED. Do you need a shoulder in this foreign place? Do you need attention? Do you need love? Do you need understanding, compassion or a simple friendship? If you are lacking in anything, chances are, you are trying to fill that gap with him, and you’ll absolutely fail in vetting him.
2) Would I date him if he was from where I am from?
This is a very important question to ask. I realized I am putting up with a guy’s shit just because I find him interesting as an alien. I have 0 other interest in him besides that and he is shitty.
B) Many men will be fetishizing you because you come from somewhere entirely different. Be very careful when dating internationally/interracially.
I heard it a gazillion times from scrotes all around globe in many different ways that they are not really interested in me, but the idea of me as an “exotic” person. They quickly become head over heels with me because what I do, how I do, my way of life and my personality so contrary to my race blows their mind. And I often get back-handed compliments like “woaa you’re so pretty for someone from your country”. If you’re from country A, they will be amazed how educated you are bc they thought your country is shit. If you’re from a prestigious country B, they still will be amazed how domestic and thoughtful you are bc they thought your country is too “feminist”. This shit never ends no matter where you are from.
Alwaaays ask him what he things about women in his home country. They spill amazingly easy and you’ll be surprised by their audacity. The same thing works for dating someone with different religion, different ethnicity or different something.
How do you ask?
Ask him what is it that he couldn’t find in his group of women in a playful, flirtatious manner. I love using pre-ejaculation syndrome method described in book Why men love bitches. You never ask vetting questions when talking seriously. You drop them casually while you’re both in a good mood, laughing and with a simple hint of intimacy. This quickly puts them in pre-ejaculation syndrome mode and they stop thinking strategically. They cannot lie in this mood. You are not actually making an obvious sex move and you won’t actually give him a boner, but you’ll be flirty, warm, smiling, maybe playing with your hair, your face a little tilted towards your chest with a 10 degree angle, looking up to him with your cutest, most playful smile… (you get the idea) and ask him:
“Soooo… What is it that you couldn’t find in women from your country/race/religion/bookclub?”
Remember, good mood, pretty smile, subtle flirty hints like simple touches etc. He will spill, lol.
This is your trap question. He may give a stupid answer, like a kind of answer that is clearly a decent joke. He can say simple, non-threatening, non-disrespectful things. They are O.K. But, if he comes a complete list of things he hates about his women, if he says disrespectful things, if he complains about how “strong” his women are, IT’S A RED FLAG. If he shittalks or downtalks about his group of women, it’s a huuuuuuge redflag.
If they shit-talk about them, vent about them often, find them ugly, “hairy”, too clingy, too emotional, dumb or opposite, too free-spirited, too distant, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Because:
1. This means once he gets used to you, he will be thinking about you the exact same things. The problem is never women. In all cultures, women behave in a certain way because they need to do that to survive and thrive. Be a women’s women and instead of trying to understand his expectations, try to see things in those women’s eyes. Yeah, those women don’t to make up and I wonder why? Maybe because rape and sexual assault is a huge problem so they try to look as masculine as possible. Maybe they are oppressed.
2. Men talking shit about their group of women have inferiority complex towards their culture. They may or may not realise this but it is what it is. Helloooo, their mom is a part of that culture? That problem comes with a price and you’ll be suffering the consequences. People with interiority complex are often narcs, cannot do empathy, always think life as “winning vs. loosing”, they will show no remorse in getting what they want in absolutely toxic ways.
3. Men shittalking their women are either losers who cannot keep up with his beautiful country’s beautiful women’s standards, OR they have inferiority complex combined with fetishizing foreign women.
Losers: He comes from 1st world. What I mean by 1st world is a country where women are free, gender inequality is lower, they are respected and feminism is internalized up to a point within the entire society (although it is not perfect).
If he is shittalking about his women, it means he is a scrote who cannot keep up with society’s basic standards. It means he is a loser in the eyes of strong women.
One guy from Norway told me he finds Norwegian women to be “too masculine” and “too feminist”. This means he is looking for a disadvantaged woman who is willing to be his slave doormat. He could not find a single one Norwegian woman to put up with his shit, so he is looking for someone from a disadvantaged country.
Note: Losers can be from any other country too, obviously. I am categorizing with respect to the most common type. So, a guy can be from developing world and still cannot keep up with standards of women around him.
Fetishizers: He comes from developing world. Femicide rates are concerning. Women’s rights are not realized enough compared to the rest of the world. Society is mostly misogynist and patriarchal. Women are oppressed. This type is more suitable for my country, so my conclusions will be based on what I see on daily basis in the news and around my circle.
If this type of guy shit-talks about his women, run 10 times faster. Women from his country are shit, ugly, too conservative blah blah but you are perfect, you have long legs, whiter skin, you are “open-minded” (he means: you will have sex and even maybe anal sex with me premaritally and I find this very cool). Now you are his fetish. You are extremely idealized in his eyes. You are not you, you are your country and what your country represents: sexual liberation of women. He will indeed look very much like a HVM to you, because he knows how to lure women. All women fall for attention, care and some chivalrous behavior. He will give that to you for prolonged times. I’ve seen this a billion times that a tourist comes here and falls in love with local guys because they seem like husband material. But be very careful, because fetishes never end good. If you ever do something to disrupt his dreamy western girl utopia, he gets ugly quickly. Because remember, he was already ugly in the beginning, towards women from his country and now it’s your turn. He gets violent quickly because you basically took his toy, changed it and showed it was just a plain human.
Unfortunately, many women fell for this prolonged HVM imposter, they get married and have children. When the tables are turned, these foreign women are at the most vulnerable position. They are left without proper laws to protect them, no family or friends, no real support from government, often they don’t speak local language either. Predators know this and use this. Foreign women face domestic violence, abuse and murder in many cases and many men get away with it.
I must tell you this. I know this can happen in any country and I know not every men in developing countries are devils (helloo, I’m from one of these countries and my father is the most respecting HVM I’ve ever met all around globe). However, laws in developing countries will fail to protect you in case you need it. So be very careful in developing countries.
What I mean by developing countries?
Check Gender Inequality Index and similar other indexes from global organizations even before a simple trip. Because then you will have an idea about what to expect compared to your own country. Also check female murder (femicide) and domestic violence rates of a country before simple trips too. They are available online for any country in the world. A country’s average performance in protecting women shows valuable information about their men, societal structure and their laws. So, make use of this information when dating in a different country to protect your highest interests. Check the list here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Inequality_Index
You know it, I know it, so I am gonna say it to protect those who are not aware of it. Slavic women (specifically Ukrainian and Russian) are more vulnerable in international dating (especially in Eastern world) because they are highly fetishized by porn-sick scrotes all around globe. Be extremely careful if you are from a country that is “famous” for “pretty women”, “exotic women”, “thiccc curvy chicks” etc. You will be most probably fetishized and fetishes never end good.
C) Men shit-talking about your culture/race/group of people/country are a threat. I call them “entitled pricks”
Entitled Pricks: They think your group of something is frawned upon in a non-obvious way. He deems your country/altculture is bad based on economy, freedom, size of your country etc. So, they assume you cannot do better than him. In FDS, we all know we don’t want a man to think that way.
Your first move here is to ASK him what he thinks about your country/group of culture in indirect ways. They drop hints, no worries. If he is a tourist/immigrant, ask him how he liked the people here. Ask him what has been a challenge for him in terms of interpersonal relationships. Ask him what he misses the most about his people. Ask him what he things about your men and women specifically. Try to understand how he sees your country. This information is valuable to you.
1) Never let a man think he is superior to you in someway or he is the best you can do. Draw the line firmly.
Never let him ever talk down on your people even if you agree with him wholeheartedly about your problems. Gently accept some of the obvious problems in your country/group/culture, but add that it does not bother/affect you much because your circle isn’t like that, because it is a big big culture so there are other segments who are not living like that, or there is huge chunk of people working against it in your community.
Example: I know it is a big problem for my country/people/religion, but there is a flipside of the coin: there are massive amount of people who are against it, who are working to solve this problem, for example this group has done this…
Give clear, solid and firm answers about how “the other” part of your society is handling it. Maybe there are great, self-sacrificing teachers all around the country working so hard to solve that problem, and you appreciate a lot their effort and sacrifice.
2) Segment your own culture and position yourself in a strong way.
For example, he thinks your men are sexist, rude, violent etc. Come back with, “while it is true for many many people in my culture, I am lucky that I am not living among that. I come from educated (or wise) parents, I am holding higher education so my circle is formed by respectful men who are exposed to global culture so much so that talking to you or talking to them is exactly the same.
It doesn’t have to be a response to what he thinks. Generally, position yourself in a strong way within your community. You need to do this for protection. Consider animals opening up their arms or wings. They are doing it so that they look bigger to opponents. Similar to that, always open your wings and show them proudly.
Always show him you have good quality options everywhere in partnerwise, in jobwise, in moneywise, in happinesswise. You know, men will have a micropenis and think it is huge. Similar to that, they often mistake their greencard, eu passport or their skincolor with your ultimate key to happiness and welfare, they will assume you are after that, and worse, they will assume you need that.
So, always always always show him that no matter how disadvantaged you seem (or he deems you to be), you have so many better options, even better options than ones he has because you educated yourself/you have something special. Are you a nurse? That’s perfect because it is valid everywhere in the world and it is much needed. Do you have a side-hussle? Perfect because you are planning on quitting that 8-5 and travel the world. You cannot wait to explore! You get the idea.
One time a guy really had the audacity and scroticity to tell me that I won’t be able to find a guy of his caliber in my country as he is tall, handsome (what he deems handsome is having white skin, blue eyes and blonde hair, very opposite of my country’s genetic), he knows how to respect women unlike guys of my kind, he is a kind gentleman and he is richer so I should sleep with him (Let the dispute between his words and actions slip aside for one sec, LoL). And I was like “(in dismissive manner) you’re just an average joe in your country and I have more than enough skills to move anywhere in the world I desire and get what I want. (in a confused manner) Why would I choose you?????”
You get the idea. It doesn’t have to revolve around your ability to move anywhere. But you should always have an argument prepared as to why you can do what the fuck you want. When dating between cultures in domestic scene, always make sure he knows you have plenty of other options. Don’t be like “here is my toxic, oppressive culture so I am trying to find a guy so desperately that doesn’t belong to my toxic past.” Be like, “I have this ability, I have that skill, I don’t have to take that particular shit from my culture that you deemed to be my eternal disadvantage.”
3) Never let him know your true disadvantages.
Don’t let him know your immigration status is at risk. Don’t let him know your people are being toxic/abusive to you. Don’t let him know you are having huge moral problems at your church. Don’t let him know you are so done with your country and you are gonna move with the first opportunity possible.
Don’t let him know your family will be super mad at you and punish you mercilessly if they knew you are not a virgin. Don’t let him know what specific crimes against women are unpunished/not punished enough in your country.
1) He won’t take that as an isolated, tentative incident, rather he will generalize the idea and think all your people are like that and you’ll never be happy in that community and
2) You are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. He may hurt you. He may be a predator. He may try to take advantage of you.
Remember the guy who told me I cannot find anyone of his caliber? What if I told him before that I am so done with my country, I hate people and men specifically because they are so low value, inconsiderate, rude and aggressive, that I hate the laws because they don’t protect women, many crimes are left unpunished etc. What would happen if I told him all these? He would probably show a form of violence knowing the laws are not in my favor. I wouldn’t be able to hold my own power too.
Hope you enjoyed it and keep leveling up queens!
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