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Originally posted as a few comments here: Are you "allowed" to be angry?
Just in case anybody else would find these useful.
1) Reply to the original poster
If you are curious as to why people treat you one way, and your sister another way -- psychological speaking, it is because when a person creates a PERCEPTION of you inside their head, they will based it on all the things you present to them. So when it comes to your sister:
my youngest sister actually does fly off the handle, raises her voice (screams sometimes), and has thrown massive temper-tantrums when she doesn't want to accept accountability for something.
✒️ She gets angry easily, will cause a scene
✒️ She will scream and cause a scene if her desires aren't fulfilled
✒️ She throws tantrum and won't admit fault
So inside your parents mind -- she is the ANGRY child. Their perception of her is in Box A. That's just how she is, and if your parents try to correct her -- they are in for a hell of a time. They are tired and simply don't have the energy to handle her -- so that's why the "Well, that's just how she is, we have to find a way to speak to her differently so we don't upset her that much, the poor thing."
Meanwhile, for you:
I have been heavily conditioned to "take the higher road", to "smooth things over", and to calm everyone around me down--to be the "nice, calm, sweet" problem solver, and to endlessly empathize and "see it from their perspective".
✒️ You are the "mature and level-headed" one
✒️ You are nice and kind and the big sister who endlessly forgive and won't get mad
✒️ When in conflict with other people, you will be the one who gives in to keep the peace.
Your parents see you as the third parent, so to speak. That they can rely on to stop conflicts and be the one who stop things from escalating. You are the one who makes their life easier and they can let you handle things in their absence. You are the PERFECT & RELIABLE child, their perception of you is in Box B.
So when you do get mad and show them a different side of you -- what they actually feel is feeling BETRAYED. Because they thought you are Box B -- based on all the things you present to them, and when you show your rare, angry side -- they get absolutely shocked, uncomfortable, unused to this side of you.
Human are uncomfortable with things they don't know and don't get used to -- it takes three to six months to create a new perception, so when you show your rare angry side -- their primal part of the brain registers it as a threat and hence -- you get kicked out of the house.
So, what can you do?
Do you need to be like your sister and force yourself to fly of the handle everyday? No, no need for that.
But remember -- it takes three to six months to create a new perception, and a lot longer for people who know you intimately all your living like, like your parents. It can take years even.
So you have to do two things:
Keep presenting them with new aspect of you -- like your angry and hurt side -- and keep being consistent with it. You don't need to be something you aren't -- but you need to be CONSISTENT with your new sides -- so be more honest with how you present yourself.
Be PATIENT. Especially with people who know you for so long -- like I said, it can take YEARS. It is about three to six months for people like workmates, but parents? 3, 5 years maybe. It is a looooong game, so BE PATIENT.
The thing is -- you are taking full control of how other people PERCEIVE you, so you can't be wibbly-wobbly with this. If you decide you want people to know your angry side -- don't keep questioning and worrying about people reacting negatively -- BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT IS GOING TO BE UNTIL YOU BECOMES A NEW PERSON IN THEIR HEAD.
Be patient -- and I mean BE TRULY PATIENT AND CONSISTENT.
How do I know this? I do this all the time -- it becomes a game now. I purposely change or present a new aspect of me when the mood strikes because I am presenting myself as "expect the unexpected" with a base perception of "Quiet and polite, but don't make her angry".
How do I present my anger?
I don't debate or confront, I just get eerily quiet and won't even look at their face -- I cut them off instantly and they don't exist to me anymore. My smile dropped and I look away whenever they enter the room. Or I myself stand up and walk out the door.
Why? Because it makes them feel a special kind of hurt knowing the fact that the gentle, quiet one don't even want to look at them anymore. And it is not like they can get angry at me -- I don't get into verbal fights with them (and give them a reason to not feel as guilty), I just stay far, farrrr away. I keep the peace, but also let them thoroughly taste the consequences.
People are afraid of making me angry not because they are afraid of me being angry -- they are terrified of being hated by me. Also if the scrote get angry and try to corner me -- they will be the one looking all crazy and psychotic, I am then justified to defend myself.
2) "As an introvert and quiet person myself though, I find that people often take me for granted and don't really care if I get upset or not. So even when I try and assert my boundaries, other people keep attacking them. It's worse if they are family members or other people I can't necessarily avoid. Any thoughts on this?"
As an introvert and quiet person myself though, I find that people often take me for granted and don't really care if I get upset or not.
It is that Box thing sis, the preconceived notion -- the general perception of people on quiet and introverted person (even without knowing them personally) is that they are in the MEEK & SUBSERVIENT BOX:
1) Quiet -- meaning you will keep quiet even when they push you around.
2) Can be pushed around and you will just take everything, won't lash out on them.
3) Indefinitely patient and will be the first to give in to keep the peace
4) Submissive and easily dominated -- both men and women think this btw.
5) Have a "big soft heart" and will easily forgive mistakes again and again and again
And so on and so forth. It is not fair, but that's the easiest way to function in the society. Trying to understand and know someone deeply is a lot of work, take a lot of time, most people don't have the patience for it anyway -- so it is easier to rely on the BOX and be done with it.
That's why people are SHOCKED when I present my anger -- in that I am still the same gentle, quiet, polite person they know -- but I cut people off just like that, I don't forgive, any of their attempt to dominate and manipulate me get gracefully thrown back in their face.
So even when I try and assert my boundaries, other people keep attacking them.
Because they are UNCOMFORTABLE when you show that you are not squarely in the MEEK & SUBSERVIENT BOX like they initially thought.
Try to understand this -- their REACTION (attacking you) is NOT because YOU do A and B and C -- it is because THEY are UNCOMFORTABLE when you show that you are NOT what they initially thought. People reacted like batshit crazy when I presented myself outside of the "quiet and polite" box and the ways in which they used to try and push me back into that box? The WHOLE VILLAGE ganged up on me, sis, for years. Shit's crazzyyyyy.
It's worse if they are family members or other people I can't necessarily avoid.
Of course it will be the worse with people who know you all your living life -- especially your parents who among the very first person who put you into the BOX, based on how they see you behave in your childhood.
Human beings are resistant to change and rather rely on what they already know instead of accepting and getting used to new things; So when these people know you as the quiet child who rarely get angry? THAT is how they will always think about you even 40, 50 years later.
So that's why when you start taking control of how people perceive you and do the thing I wrote in the main comment -- you just HAVE to accept that people WILL attack you. Because they are UNCOMFORTABLE with this new, unknown side of you.
You just have to let them SIT in that uncomfortableness -- yes, it will be brutal and vicious and painful for the first TWO MONTHS -- you will be attacked and questioned and backstabbed and made to feel guilty and all the painful things front, back, left and right, both harsh and soft and subtle attacks -- that's why I ain't joking about the BE PATIENT part -- it won't be easy at all. But the payout to that will be worth all the suffering, I can guarantee you that.
So that's why:
So even when I try and assert my boundaries, other people keep attacking them.
You can't just "try" -- you just have to suffer through it. Be CONSISTENT and be PATIENT, and DO NOT GIVE IN. Most women fail to assert their boundaries not because the lack of trying -- but they give in when the backlash is at its peak.
You CANNOT GIVE IN.
3) "If I could just show the other person that I'm good, kind, fair and yada yada yada, then they'll treat me the way I deserve to be treated"
You're absolutely right. I think I might be too idealistic, as in if I could just show the other person that I'm good, kind, fair and yada yada yada, then they'll treat me the way I deserve to be treated because they'll just "see" me by the way I act and understand me as a person. Lol.
Because this is the way you (and all women) are taught (code: brainwash) to think. In that if you want to be treated right -- you have to "pay it forward", for some reason. If you "worked and suffer hard enough", they will "see" your goodness and kindness and all that.
You gotta be the one (the only one) wringing yourself to the point of insanity, though. And then maybeeee they will treat you just a little better.
The liest lie to ever lie in the history of liessss. YOU dictate how other people will treat you, none of this "paying it forward" bullsh*t.
4) "I wasn't allowed to show my anger growing up because I'm a girl"
I'm still not allowed tho, this is hard because I need to lash out that anger and when I'm not allowed to do so I hold it in and guess what happens next?
Rather than think about being "allowed" or not -- here's how you do it:
When you are angry -- be HONEST about it. Glare, sulk, cry, get silent and hide, pull the soap opera drama -- whatever you want to do. And when people react negatively to it -- because they are UNCOMFORTABLE with you being angry? You STICK TO IT. Do NOT deny or defend or try to explain "why" you are angry -- just be angry.
Keep doing it every time you get angry (about 3 to six months or more depending on the person you are presenting your anger to) until it REGISTER in their brain that THIS is how you are going to BE from now on whenever you get angry.
BE PATIENT and CONSISTENT -- you going to get MASSIVE opposition in the first two months but KEEP AT IT until they finally get used to this new you. And after that, you are free to be angry the way you prefer, no need to bottle things up anymore.
5) "Growing up it wasn't easy to be angry for me because most of the time I would end up crying and for me, well that's what my father taught us, is that crying is a weakness and is for women. So I would not get angry and I would try to control my tears as hard as possible"
that's what my father taught us, is that crying is a weakness and is for women.
He is right in that crying while being angry is a woman's thing -- because it is simply a physical response to feeling overwhelmed by any type of emotion. And women are particularly sensitive to that type of physical response.
He is absolutely wrong to think that crying = weakness, because it is a woman's thing (because woman = weak, hurrdurr). It is VERY HEALTHY actually to cry as a result of feeling overwhelmed by anger because you have an INSTANT relief. What is weak is punching walls and abuse other people, abuse children (like some people) because he doesn't know what to do with that overwhelming anger.
As for now I still control my tears and cry when I'm alone, it's much better because I'm sure and I know some abusers enjoy seeing you cry.
What abusers actually enjoy seeing is you being a bumbling, messy, crazy, insane, weepy mess because you were scared shitless by him. That shows that he manages yet again to assert power over you.
If you cry because YOU need that instant relief from the overwhelming anger inside -- and the tears are for YOU, not because of him -- he will not enjoy it. He will feel guilty, no matter how hard he tries to deny it. Because it is in their inherent, primal, basic nature to feel guilty for making a woman cry.
Because when you cry for YOU -- tears fall from your eyes but your face remains impassive almost? You look different from when you are a weepy mess -- there's this stillness and bravery to you. You are crying not because you are scared, but because you are brave enough to cry despite his threats.
So what he actually enjoys is seeing you do this:
So I would not get angry and I would try to control my tears as hard as possible.
Because that shows he has power over you. Him seeing you trying so hard to not get angry and cry gives him the "high" of having power over you. That's the reason why he brainwashes you with this:
that's what my father taught us, is that crying is a weakness and is for women.
Don't get me wrong though, you know your situation better than me so do what's best for you. But you also should know the truth of your situation.
Stay safe. Stay woman.
#3 kept me stuck, investing in shitty people and gaslighting myself for years. Then the sunk cost keeps you stuck. Unless there's reciprocity, cut it off early.
I’ve heard 'difficult’, ‘hostile’ and ‘disrespectful’ from men simply because I laid down my boundaries in a blunt way. But if someone pushes me to the limit or isn’t listening to my boundaries I can quickly become angry. I am comfortable with anger. Usually the man or boy who says the above is the one who is actually disrespectful in the first place but they feel they are entitled to do as they please and me as a woman is to just be ‘respectful’ no matter their behaviour. After giving me these labels, these men eventually take on what I say, by then I've blocked them. It’s frightening because I know women who are fearful of not being nice to men when not warranted. They think they should be polite to those who are making them feel uncomfortable.
I'm really glad I've always had a pissy side. Yes, I was guilt tripped for it constantly, but I stuck with it. It helps. People generally know that I am fairly slow to anger, but I am quick to show my anger if it arises. I'm very blunt and honest in most areas of life, and it has earned me a reputation of being "moody" and "difficult" sometimes but thankfully I never cared all that much. It's a good sign if you're a woman and most people think you're difficult. It means you're doing the right thing, because most people are LV and LV people hate women with boundaries with a passion. At the same time, they mostly leave you alone, and it's easier to command respect. Fuck "likeable", especially in the workplace. You want your voice to be heard and your authority to be respected, and the best way to achieve this is by being somewhat of a bitch (at least in the way other people consider you a bitch, which is when a woman shows a shred of assertiveness). Not rude, throwing insults or picking fights, of course, but strict and firm, and visibly displeased with anything you don't find acceptable.
This is glorious. Thank you!
This is a great guide to express anger elegantly. I'm generally an introvert, but I can switch to extroversion when angry and get maybe a little too comfortable yelling "Fuck You!" in anger lol. I may have to try to consciously use this in high stakes situations, where a willingness to commit violence isn't very effective (and it can definitely be effective in the right situation IF you aren't bluffing).
The crying distinctions are excellent.