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Women who love too much - CoDA

Has anyone here been to one of those meetings? I’ve found out about it recently and I am thinking on attending one in my city this week. I have never thought about being codependent since I deal very good with being single (2 years and counting). However, I am fully aware that once I am in a relationship I tend to sabotage it. I pick up fights out of the blue to test whether or not the guy will be there “no matter what”. I think this group would be very helpful to level up - with my therapy, of course. Any comments are appreciated! Thanks

2 answers3 replies

Comments (5)

Miss Frizzle

Jun 22, 2022

I actually just commented on a post with advice to go to CoDA. I have been going to meetings for several months now and particularly when I first started it was a godsend/major life line. I went to my first meeting during the midst of a breakup with my negative value partner who had substance abuse issues (like literally I joined a meeting online while he was packing a bag to go). It was very easy to point out his shortcomings and all the ways I resented him for not changing but I realized I had to take a hard look at myself and why I was attracted to this relationship and why it took so long for me to end the attachment I knew was only causing me stress and grief. On the outside I seemed like I had it all together, good head on my shoulders kind of deal. But all my issues really came spilling out in the context of a romantic relationship and it was hard to ignore. All the meetings follow the same general format but it’s nice to kind of shop around (easier since there’s so many online meetings) and see the different vibe and makeup of a group- age, gender, size etc. One of the more useful tools on the CoDA website which is also shared in meetings is a list of characteristics and patterns codependents tend to exhibit. You won’t relate to all of them but it was eye opening to see how many of them I did relate to especially regarding low self esteem. All of that to say check it out! At worst you waste an hour but more than likely you will at least find solace in being in a group where people are open about their struggles in maintaining healthy relationships, and not just romantic ones. You can go and be a “lookey loo” and no one will care but to get the most out of it you have to really commit to doing the work.

Lox_Bagel

Jun 22, 2022

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Replying to

Thank you so much for your insights! I realized a little while ago that I am a totally different person when I am single and when I am dating. Joining this group along with working with my therapist would be great. I joined an online meeting last night and was all ears and no voicing haha I’ll attend an in person meeting tomorrow, as I know I commit better to in person events. Thanks again!

Miss Frizzle

Jun 22, 2022

Replying to

I’m glad you gave it a try. Going to CoDA meetings alongside seeing a therapist is super helpful because while individual therapy can be beneficial there is something so different about being in a group setting and having others share their insights. Even when the stories aren’t directly applicable it’s so meaningful to hear people being willing to be vulnerable and it’s inspiring to see how so many of us struggle but still want healthy relationships. “Keep coming back cause it works if you work it and we’re all worth it.” Good luck!

anaddress4

Jun 22, 2022

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I have been. Nobody in coda can really express anything about your story so its good to vent, not feel alone, but to really examine the issues, not so much... Noone can challenge you. So imo there is a limit to what it can do. But definitely its free validation for uou and you can express things and just listen to others.

Miss Frizzle

Jun 23, 2022

Replying to

This is true. If you just go to the meetings as an attendee there’s a limit to how much you will probably “recover” from codependency. The program follows the same format as AA fellowship and you are guided to work the 12 steps and have a sponsor and that level of work and insight is what helps you grow. I bought their 12 step work book and have been reading the book and following the journal prompts for each step. I don’t have a sponsor because that part feels a little more intimidating plus in my particular flavor of codependency I’m really looking to push to trust myself and not use others for a sense of safety. Like with anything you get about as much as you put in and the group I attend most frequently you can tell there’s a mix of people some who just attend often, those who kind of use it as a refresh and those who are truly working the program. Another meeting I’ve gone to works the steps together and have a more discussion element prior to the official meeting because there weren’t a lot of people willing to sponsor. Before people share they discuss how there isn’t “cross talk” allowed which is the part where no one can challenge you but that’s my favorite part about it because it forces me to get in touch with my feelings rather than kind of just reacting to what someone else is saying. Some groups are better about cross talk than others.

Women who love too much - CoDA

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