I wanted to have a post for us to meet and support each other.
My experience with dating is such a roller coaster. A mix between lvm and nvm. Taking a year off to focus on myself.
So any neurodivergents here have some tips to navigate this world not made for us?
I just went through this! I think having ADHD made me crave stimulating relationships, whether it was the ups and downs or someone who talked a lot/interacted with me a lot. A standard relationships felt boring to me and I actually enjoyed the variety of being single. I'm on ADHD medication now and have noticed I am able to pursue that stimulation doing constructive things (focusing on my work, home improvements on the house I purchased, cooking) and get a similar satisfaction. I'm less prone to doing things like leave my house at 10 PM to go socialize with people because I'm bored out of my mind.
I’ve only been diagnosed after being married for a decade so I can only say I wish I had FDS back when I was an impulsive undiagnosed mess. I had so many unsatisfactory one night stands that could’ve been avoided 👎🏻👎🏻
Unfortunately, I didn't realize until after I dated the LVM that I dated one, and one of the things in hindsight that stood out tome a lot was how he attempted to invalidate my ADHD as a way to try to shame me for not being a good enough "maid". Mind you, I didn't agree to be his maid, and it was a huge issue between us I have no doubt probably began the end. I just didn't realize it, but hey.... Good for us for realizing we have standards.
There's a lot of things as I get into my 30s I'm realizing are potentially related to my ADHD and trauma as a kid and it's been challenging to deal with for me at times.
I’ll just preface this with acknowledging that I have ADHD & ASD diagnoses, assigned in childhood, and have three kids with a mishmash of the same official diagnoses, so am very familiar with the ND world. Once I came to understand the meaning of these labels, I found the most useful strategy for me was to reject these umbrella terms and focus on the fact that just like every NT person, I have strengths and weaknesses. I find that use of the labels is a gateway to viewing oneself as ‘different’ or ‘deficient’ when really our personalities and traits are just another variation within the rich tapestry of humankind. I take responsibility for myself by accepting myself as I am and not expecting society to make excuses or allowances for me. If my strengths are unable to compensate for my weaknesses it is my responsibility to request accommodations for them and to communicate my needs. I do not tell men about my diagnoses as they don’t define me, but I will tell them how aspects of that could affect our relationship ie “I struggle with appropriate eye contact, but I’m continuing to work on that and I’d appreciate your feedback” “I get deeply invested in activities and find time management difficult, so I am often late for things but please understand that this doesn’t come from a place of lack of respect for you or your time” “I have a tendency to be highly forgetful, so I try not to overschedule myself; I don’t like to unintentionally let other people down, so please don’t be afraid to let me know if I’ve missed something” “I’m very happy in my own company and prefer to do my favourite activities on my own, but I’d love to join in with you on some of yours if you’d like me to” “I get super overstimulated by situations where there is a lot of sensory stuff going on and find those scenarios difficult to communicate in, so if you’d like to chat it’s best if we go out for a walk in nature” “I usually need to move my body to think, so if that’s irritating or distracting just let me know and I’ll find a space somewhere else” “Not feeling in control can make me anxious, so if you can reassure me that you’ve got things in hand that’ll make me a more pleasant person to be around” “Sometimes I’ll laugh when I’m actually sad, but I’m not lacking empathy, I think I actually have too much of it and it overloads my brain sometimes! It’s usually best to ask how I’m feeling than rely on my emotional response” A HVM with shared values, whether NT or ND, will appreciate your self awareness far more than you giving him a label to understand you by. Also there is sooooooo much overlap between trauma responses and ADHD. Do trauma work if you can to lessen it’s negative impact.
Diagnosed ADHD and suspected autism spectrum over here. I don’t have a lot of advice because this is something I’m still actively grappling with myself, but I think it helps to work on accepting yourself first. Try to grow in confidence with who you are and how special it is to be neurodivergent! That confidence carries forward into dating. You’re more likely to have good experiences with men if you feel secure in who you are and project out those vibes. Mostly I just wanted to say you aren’t alone :)
I am ADHD and on the spectrum. Some of my qualities ate not consistent with the FDS definition of a High Value Woman.
Mostly this doesn't cause me cognitive dissonance -- I seem to benefit by most of the FDS rules anyway -- even the ones I can't help but break on the regular.
It's just comical sometimes to hear other members complain about the LVM housekeeping habits, dress sense, etc. and realize they could be talking about me!
Because I've always been conscious of my deficiencies, in the past, I'd weigh the standards I wanted in a partner against the liabilities I myself bring and give them extra slack.
I don't do this anymore.
My main standards which are mostly concerning integrity, intelligence, kindness -- an awareness of one's privileges and responsibilities -- are inviolate now.
If I cannot keep my home surroundings in a fit enough state to share with a high value partner, I will just live alone for the rest of my life.
Not going to put up with disrespect anymore just because I'm not that easy to live with.
You can combine your life with a loving partner without combining living space.
I’m not ADHD, but I’m autistic. Maybe we should be asking NTs for help! 😅 I found it validating to listen to the podcast. To have listened to NT women who have met LVM after LVM, has helped me to accept that you don’t always attract losers, sometimes there really is a lack of decent people. Tips-wise is hard. If you have “good days” make the most of those so that you don’t feel guilty on “bad” days.
I don't know if I crave intimacy or space. It seems like the amount of each is never right.
I think being undiagnosed for so long had something to do with why I was always chasing relationships from a young age (needed more dopamine) Also rejection sensitivity is real. It’s important for me to remind myself it’s a side effect of my adhd when I start to become clingy or desperate for external validation from others.