as a woman with adhd, i have spent a lot of time thinking about how neurodivergence effects dating and relationships for women. this is a broad topic that becomes increasingly complex when you consider the intersection of race and ethnicity, age, socioeconomic background, upbringing, etc.
a shared experience in many of the adhd/ND spaces i've been a part of is the feeling of being misunderstood and misinterpreted- especially within the context of social interaction and relationships.
being incorrectly labeled "lazy" or "stupid" is unfortunately kind of like a rite of passage for many women with adhd.
additionally, most women and girls go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed with a different disorder (like bipolar) due to medical misogyny.
but to circle back to the topic of being misunderstood, i think neurodiverse women are uniquely (though not exclusively) harmed by misogyny.
since women with invisible disabilities typically never receive the appropriate diagnoses (adhd, autism, etc.) we can develop low self-worth in childhood or adulthood as a result of constantly feeling othered or too "stupid" to do the things that our neurotypical peers may seemingly do with ease. this can prime us to develop feelings of self-loathing.
at the same time, neurodivergent women may be overly eager and accommodating when we encounter a potential new friend. this makes vetting especially IMPORTANT for us both in friendships and dating.
couple this with the widespread misogynistic messaging women and girls receive on a daily basis and the prevalence of childhood bullying.
to that end, studies have shown that undiagnosed people- women especially- are disproportionately more likely than neurotypical folks to engage in substance abuse (sometimes in an attempt to self-medicate or self-soothe) and alcoholism, and to suffer with su*cidal ideation, depression and anxiety.
this all brings me to THE MAIN POINT which is that one way we can support and protect ourselves and each other is by:
(1) learning about how neurodivergent disorders, like adhd and autism, present differently in women and girls compared to boys/men. for example, many girls with adhd present as primarily inattentive or "spaced out" - NOT hyperactive. there are actually 3 types of adhd but the hyperactive type is the most widely known. historically, the behavioral criteria for adhd has been based on how the disorder presents in young boys.
here's a helpful link that explains more in depth:
(2) keeping in mind that women and girls tend to be really good at masking and therefore may go undiagnosed or be gaslight OUT of seeking out medical help.
there's so much more i'd like to add to this but it would become a novel lol.
SIDENOTE - if there are any neurodivergent queens here, I'd love to know some of your tips for identifying and avoiding red flags when dating. Something that has helped me massively is not disclosing that I have adhd early on as I fear that, in doing so, I could inadvertently be giving an abuser a roadmap to my vulnerabilities. I like to test the waters by bringing up the topic of adhd and seeing how they respond.
Also this: https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com//forum/mental-health/strategies-for-neuroatypical-ladies-and-why-following-fds-rules-is-especially-relevant-to-us
Not written by me. Taken from reddit. Hope this is okay. This post was very important to me and I wanted to share it here. Written by Protoetype on Reddit. Strategies for neuroatypical ladies and why following FDS rules is especially relevant to us Hi ladies, I wanted to make post for any fellow neuroatypical ladies, to emphasize why FDS are so important to us and add some tips relevant. As a neuroatypical myself,
I found the strategies especially relevant to me since stability, stress free environments are crucial in being able to function on daily basis, as well as having more troubles reading cues, being more inclined to misjudged due to impulsive & inattentive behaviors. Those rules can be lifesavers as having to deal with a stressful relationships or partner can be extremely detrimental to us.
1. Always prioritize your mental health and yourself. There is no need to rush into dating if you don't feel ready, if you have still things to work out, are in the process of learning about the neurodivergence and how to function etc. Bad relationships can be detrimental to therapeutical work and structures. A partner should make your life easy, but it's never a substitute for whatever you may need to function (be it therapy, meds etc). Never rely on a relationship to fix issues of any kind.
2. Don’t think you deserve less, that you’re difficult, that it’d take a special kind of partner to understand and settle for the first person that shows you signs of empathy, acceptance of your quirkiness and understanding. All of the rules here still apply to us and especially relevant. No one is worthy of having your structure or mental them put at stake for them.
3. For us there are certain tradition date settings that can be uncomfortable and feel overstimulating (noise at restaurants, being hyper aware while sitting in front of someone while having to stare at them in the eye etc) but it should not be a reason to settle for low effort and cheap dates, like boring walk dates. What's the point of boring dates when we can date plenty entertained and stimulated through our quirky interests on our own?
4. I'd personally avoid mentionning anything about being neuroatypical until trust is gained to avoid negging, being taken advantage of and gaslighted, it being used as an excuse for low efforts on date ends. While being neuroatypical surely has an heavy influence on certain aspects of our lives, it should not be the sole thing to define us, we're still people like everyone else.
5. In the same vein as point 4, if you have ADHD and are medicated on stims, keep it to yourself and always keep your meds safe. With all of the neurotypical lvm out there using it recreationally, thinking of it as legal cocaine and that it's not nothing ADHDers need (good old cliché of being lazy or trying hard enough), you never know. Especially if you live somewhere where they are hard to access and strictly controlled, even for us who need it. This can be generally applied to benzos, antidepressants, anti-psychotic... A friend of mine who was anti-depressants used to get neg for it by LVM.
6. I can’t speak for everyone, but if you’re neuroatypical, you are very likely to have spent/be spending hundred of dollars on therapy, medications, treatments… As woman, you may have been diagnosed pretty late or struggling to get one, you’ve had to learn how to implement coping strategies on your own to be able to function. You work hard and invest a lot of yourself, you are ressourceful and resilient. You probably have a vast knowledge and a bunch of topics of interests, that you learn in intricate details during time of hyper focus. Why should you expect any less from a partner, especially one who gets to be neurotypical?
7. Simply tasks and organisation can often feels like a nightmare and can demand a lot of energy from us. It is hard enough to do those things for ourselves, you don’t need the extra stress of having to do that for someone who can’t clean after themselves or remember when to take medical appointments, kids' birthday etc. As said here before, a relationship should enhance your life, not add additional stress.
8. Remember that time you had to change your schedule and you got stressed or angry? This is why having someone reliable who doesn’t change plans last moment and lives up to their commitment is important for you. You don’t want to be dealing with that kind of feelings everyday and have the structure you’ve worked to implemented to turn into complete chaos. Moving on and blocking at first offense always applies.
9. Alone time, recharging can be important. Romantic partners do not get a special pass on that boundary (or any boundary you may have). But from personal experience, I know this one is something that can be easily overlooked and neglected. We may think we're being selfish, ridiculous etc. Again, mental health always comes first.
10. Someone that makes you feel secure will not make you go into constant overthinking, sure, sometimes it’ll happen because overthinking is part of the ‘package’, but good relationship and partner will not occupy your every thought. You should not feel any different to how a good friend will make you feel (if you aren’t sure whether the relationship is the problem or a general anxiety problem). Symptoms or negative patterns should not be exacerbated in the particular context of a relationship, if it's a good one.
11. Stay away from alcohol while dating, if you can/are allowed to drink. Even if in moderate quantities, you want to be fully in tune with the moment to be able to read the cues (which can be hard for us sometimes) and keep your reward system & dopamine steady so it doesn’t trap you into thinking the date was exciting when that was probably the alcohol that gave you the euphoria.
12. Those rules apply with fellow neuroatypical guys. Being neuroatypical isn't a reason to be a douche or low efforts. Netflix's Love on the Spectrum is a good example of neuroatypical men being fully capable of being high efforts, considerate and attentive in the dating scene.
Dating apps are not the only way to meet people. For those of us with stranger social anxiety, dating apps can be a challenge. No need to force yourself into it, if it's not your thing. Seeking out new hobbies can be a great way to meet people, where you'll actually have things in common to speak about (I personally wished I had invested more in that, rather than wasting time on apps).
Hope this helpful. If any fellow neuroatypical here wanna add anything or correct points, feel free to. I'd love to get some insights and hear about your experiences.
Journaling. I have Aphantasia, ADHD and horrible memory. I need to write out my life to make it make sense and to remember. I will often see the red flags in my writing if it's covert or sneaky. Listening to your gut feeling. Neurodivergent women often feel like something is wrong with them and sadly often settle because of low self worth. Practicing listening to your gut and to trust yourself is crucial. If it feels wrong it's wrong. Ask yourself, is it him or is it the dopamine? This is why not having sex is even more important for us ADHD people. Do you actually like the person or do they just give you a shit ton of feelgood brain chemicals because they are attractive or have an interesting hobby?
Bessel Van der Kolk, the author of The Body Keeps the Score, has a published paper on his website about interpersonal trauma in childhood and how it manifests in emotional dysregulation, which has overlapping symptoms with ADHD. Dissociation as a key symptom of childhood maltreatment (abuse or neglect) can be mistaken as inattentiveness, and someone with ADHD displaying dysregulated impulses can look a lot like someone with C/PTSD practicing self-soothing attempts from emotional distress. ADHD is also not typically characterized by “affective, interpersonal, or somatic dysregulation.” This is not to derail the topic of women with ADHD and autism but to add trauma-related emotional dysregulation into the conversation and how to distinguish between the two, especially to prevent misdiagnoses and prescribing the wrong treatment and medication. Many girls and women are traumatized, and the literature on developmental disorders is fairly new / not mainstream, but hopefully we’ll have more of it in the years to come, with more focus on education and holistic treatment.
One way to notice a red flag is if the other person lets me talk too much and also keep me going. Because I naturally get excited and can keep talking and talking and abusers love that bc they’ll get all the info they want out of me. And having ADHD you also tend to not notice when you get overexcited and start babbling.
so my way of telling if a person is a red flag is if I see myself get too excited and babble on because most ppl will either be off put by it or if they are matching your vibe they will also be babbling with you.
We are so much prone to idealization and limerence, so we should be super-ultra attentive to that. After a good first date, I can feel spaced out, and totally in love.
As a woman who went undiagnosed for almost 30 years, I have all my life thought I was dumb, too easygoing and too intense. I finally understand my feelings and when I find myself caught up in a new limerence with a new flame I like to pause and take a break from the guy. Understand where it is coming from. Yes, I like the guy, but I am not in love. My brain is craving its dopamine, and that's ok, just don't let that take over your life. "ok brain, I see you are thinking about this wonderful person and your fantastic romance you will have toghether, maybe how your wonderful and cute children will look like...and so on" but is not rational, is not "love at first sight" because that does not exist.
Also, understand RSD (Rejection sensitivity dysphoria) And why and how it affects some of the choices we make in relation to dating. I was a people-pleaser and a pushover because I was so afraid of just feeling/imagining I was beeing rejected. Once I understood this, rejection became more bearable. It still hurts like a MF, but at least I understand why it hurts so much: it hurts because of my ADHD and my difficulty to regulate my own emotions... not because I lost the one and only love of my life (I should feel ashamed of the amount of LVM I cried over, just becase the rejection felt so freaking bad)
And... remember: sometimes you will feel very strongly about someone, like your are totally in love, and the feeling WILL fade after a couple of months, so take it extra slow with everybody you meet. EDIT: Just throwing this article with this wonderful quote:
The Rules of Dating (and Breaking Up) with ADHD
I have ADHD and an autistic child, and while I understand the sentiment of your post, but I have to say I disagree with calling people with ADHD “neurodivergent” because we do NOT face the same level of social impairments of autists, not even close. I know a lot of people with both conditions and they’re just completely different things. The biggest problems I have in relationships aren’t social, I can socialize just fine, it’s the fact that I struggle to stay organized and DESPISE housework. I’ve had men end relationships with me because I won’t do the majority of the housework, because I won’t take on the “woman” role of doing the administrative and emotional labour. Literally, the only good thing about my son’s father was that he didn’t complain about my lack of housework or express concern about being with me long-term due to my disorganization. Indeed, I want a man who does all the paperwork and who does all the home organization and home decorating because I stink at it. I’ve improved over the years but I’m nowhere near as good at it as most women. I’d do my share of cleaning the house, but I’d want him to keep track of what needs doing from an administrative standpoint. I wouldn’t say I’m accommodating of other people either. Despite my disorganization, I am VERY particular and rigid about certain things and men often aren’t willing to do things my way when I need them done my way to manage my ADHD. For example, I’m very “out of sight, out of mind” and I like things I use to be where I can see them. I don’t want to have to keep putting things away in drawers or cupboards. I also like labelling things and men don’t like that. Basically, in my experience, men haven’t wanted me because I’m not Suzy Homemaker. My level of home organization is still better than most single men but it’s not nearly as good as most single women, I just can’t compete. I had one boyfriend who, to punish me, once left garbage on my sofa because “if you didn’t care enough to clean your home before I came over, why should I care if I leave garbage on your sofa?” Really, this is why I’m not in a relationship, and why I haven’t tried for years. I just can’t do what most women do when it comes to household tasks and I haven’t found a man who is willing to do most of the work they expect women to do. I do have the issue where I have overlooked red flags in men because they’re willing to accept my shortcomings when it comes to housework, and I have come to see that as a red flag in itself. As such, I continue to try to improve my executive functioning and to motivate myself to keep a functional tidy house but the truth is I just HATE it so much and having a man isn’t motivation enough.
love these comments!!
i have trouble with #9. at first i turned to MBTI and realized that i kept testing as an ENTJ. i still think i’m probably pretty ambiverted, but i think i’ve been conditioned to be extroverted because that’s what i think we’ll bring me the most success (in the US especially, extroversion is rewarded).
now i realize i am more introverted and need time to think things through and to REST.
i recently dated a guy who INSISTED that i spend time with him right before and while i was on my period, and i didn’t hold that boundary because of guilt and insecurity. also because he posed as very kind and nurturing (at first…then i realized it was to sleep with me). in reality, i need at least 4 days in my woman-cave, away from people so that i can 1) clean + declutter my space, 2) do some deep learning, 3) stop performing for the male gaze, and 4) plan out some structure for the rest of my month.
now, of course, i can take that space. i can already tell i’m going to level up a lot faster with men de-centered.