Just a reminder that you were not put on this earth to exist for men. You do not belong to men. Their attention and validation are absolutely worthless.
I know we've been conditioned to seek out male validation. I even struggle with it myself because I've always been invisible to men. I've never been in a relationship or even dated. I don't know what it's like for a man to be interested in me. I've always just wanted to love and be loved, but it has not happened.
I've struggled with these feelings for a long time. I think all women have. We are raised in a patriarchal world that teaches us to center men in every area of our lives. None of us grew up completely free from this desire for male attention.
However, an important aspect of FDS and radical feminism is challenging certain norms. We might have been taught to seek male approval, but we can decide to resist that now as adult women. We can decenter men. We can detach our worth from what men think of us. We might have to make a conscious decision each day to resist the impulse to please men or get their attention.
I've never received sexual attention from men, but I did go through an experience where I was used and led on. So, I got a taste of male attention finally. You know what I learned? It is fickle and conditional. And it was never about me. He didn't care about me. He wasn't deeply interested in me. He wanted something from me: my emotional support, an ego boost, who knows. He didn't use me for my looks, but he used me for other things. His validation and attention were useless. I got nothing out of it, and he discarded me for the next woman who would give him whatever he was seeking.
Life is short. Do not spend what little time you have living for men or getting wrapped up in their opinion of you. You are always disposable to a LVM. A LVM is never worth it. Never. You will be thrown away, forgotten, and abandoned.
At the end of the day, I don't think we really want the attention at all. Maybe we settle for it because what we long for is to be loved for who we are, to be cherished. Male attention is a substitute for the deeper thing we yearn for. It's a bandaid. It solves nothing. It is a temporary high that can lead to terrible pain. Being used is one of the worst feelings in the world.
Remember you are precious, unique, and beautiful as you are, even if no man ever validates you or sees your worth. Do not give them power over you. Do not let them take your light. Do not let them control how you feel about yourself. You are so much more than what a man thinks of you. Never forget that.
I see a lot of myself in you. Like you, I'm in my thirties and I've never been in a relationship.
We need to remind ourselves that the void in our heart isn't caused by a lack of romantic love. The loneliness is usually caused by unresolved issues, trauma, not being affirmed as a kid, etc.
Male validation is useless.
Self-respect and self-worth? That's where the real magic happens.
this reminds me of something i remember writing in my journal when i was probably 16 years old: "they keep calling me 'sexy,' never 'beautiful'."
men are mostly conditioned in immensely different ways than women are. we absolutely long to be cherished, and i don't think many men on this planet are capable of doing the cherishing. we must learn how to cherish ourselves, and maybe each other.
thak you for posting. 💗
Thank you for posting this🫶🏿
It came at the right timing too as I Iay in bed crying.
I always have these thoughts of “i can’t imagine anyone ever loving me” “who would WANT me” “i’m don’t have the look guys want & swoon over” .
These thoughts are triggered just by seeing other people in relationships or with friends or who are attractive.
I always try to remind myself everything you just said in the post cause i was’t put on this Earth only for other people to love me but to love myself.
Of course it would still be nice but I think just that mindset can be dangerous if taken too far. Like you said it can lead to being used & abused & accepting it.
So ironic that wanting love so bad can lead to hating oneself.
Thanks for this beautiful post💗. I really needed it as I’m sure a lot of women & girls do.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I completely agree. I'm 47 years old, and i can honestly say that I regret that I wasted so much time dating. I regret each and every time. And the only love, respect, and reliance I found in the end were from myself. Looking back, all the worst, most trying times in my life, were because of men.
The fucked up thing is society conditions women feel like make them feel like validation is valuable while simultaneously putting down the women that seek it. Trust me when I say it's meaningless. When I was younger it mattered more to me. Now I just simply find it annoying as it's not genuine, it's often tied with manipulation and frankly what I think about myself matters more.
Thank you. Life is peaceful when you decentre from men. I will be teaching my daughter this
Society doesn't just condition us to seek male validation, it materially punishes women who reject male validation. The web is so complex that just being seen in public without a male companion makes us a target. Every corner of our existence is socially & materially tied to male control. If you wonder at the recent legal attacks on women's autonomy of late, it's because we have done too well with the scraps of autonomy we have achieved. We have to fight to keep it & push our advantages as far as we can. Any man that tries to convince you that you are worth less than your best is someone to avoid. Only allow one who supports your independence to get near you.
Well I'm in my fifities, have a long marriage with a good man behind me, and some short relationships with bad ones recently behind me and I can tell you this: the brief period between my marriage ending and my foray into dating apps, which was four years was (with the exception of navigating a divorce) the happiest and most content I have ever been. I had an inner peace that I can only now describe as having been shredded by the men I have met recently. I am not sure that decent men even exist any more and if they do, they are the one percent for sure. I can exhaust myself trying to wade in crap to find them, or just try and get back to those golden four years. Thanks for this post, it's given me some clarity...
So much this. I found out when I woke up around age 25 or so, after a failed first marriage, that I had been projecting onto men what I wanted and needed. I imputed into them all the good qualities I hoped they had. That wakeup was a cause of some grief for a while, the last letting go of childhood in a big way. But life suddenly got a lot easier after I started seeing people and situations just as they were. I started seeing people and things at bottom-line levels. I started seeing if people and situations had a place for me, or if I'd just be a place-holder because I started seeing my own worth and value.
And all of a sudden, the vast amount of scrote attention just withered and vanished, so life got easier in that aspect, too, the moment I found my self-worth, self-confidence, and knew my worth. Leveling up is so worth it, because it pays dividends you won't even realize at first. And yes, I had to learn to speak the language of power and control, but again, worth it to understand the dominant culture, and then subvert it. How do we subvert it? Everything OP said here, plus centering ourselves, our wants, our needs. That's a radical act for a woman. Be radical. Positive selfishness has a lot going for it, and will weed out pickmes as well as scrotes.
I have often received male attention, but as you say, it means nothing and can be downright dangerous if we don't respect ourselves. This is why the most toxic of men prey on insecure women. It is not until we (as women) can truly love and respect ourselves (always ask yourself...Do I REALLY want to do this? Is this how I would rather spend my time?) and de-centre men from our lives and our decision making that we can live happy healthy lives (partnered or single).
I remember my 14 year old self already feeling like men and society always wanted things from me, but never wanted to really know, love and accept me. I wrote plenty of angry prose about it back then. To be honest, my teenage self was really based lol. I would have never chased men or a relationship had I not stumbled upon men who emotionally manipulated me. I'm glad that phase is over and I can go back to my roots, so to speak. I have always been kind of a loner and I was proud of my self-reliance and resilience. Men (i.e. LVM) ruined that. They interfered with all my good self-care habits, they pulled me away from myself. Now that I've cut the tumor out, I can be myself again. I was merely tricked into thinking I needed a man, when all I actually need is myself. I say that despite being in a relationship. My partner is lovely, but I don't need him (nor does he need me).
Every word. 🙌🏻 💖
Religion espeically christianty is pushing the idea that no woman is born living without a man. Most men are trash, and I don't like the idea that Im told that I need to make a man lead.
You can lead your own life, be a leader to the ppl that want to follow you. I don't want to follow you and men need to either respect that or piss off.
I saw a writer who lives her best life in NYC, if she came with her boyfriend to a different state she wouldn't have work and he expects her to support his career as a lawyer, she decided to end things with him, she as a job that she loves and living in a city that she loves while he never finished law school.
If she came with him, then she would have had to give up her dream, he would have become a lawyer with her support and then leave her behind because he leveled up.
Men will not want you more if you give up everything for them, they will hurt you more when they leave and tell it to your face that he owes you nothing.
I made a vow today that men will not come between me and my financial independence.
If he touches that then it means only one thing, He doesn't love nor respect me, and those who don't aren't worthy of my support.
I've been thinking about this or a similar thing a lot lately. And I think women need to understand that men are not CAPABLE of love. Not even HVM. And what I mean by this is... when we think of love and a man loving us, we are thinking about certain behaviors and being treated a certain way and feeling a certain way with a man. But then we get all wrapped up in whether or not he "feels love" for us.
A man "loving you" is really just him feeling a feeling in his head based on how you make him feel and usually also connected to what you "do for him". What free services you provide. Because of patriarchy and all the conditioning both sexes receive, it's not possible for men to love women the way women need to be loved because even a "good man" is operating subconsciously at the "what is she doing for me" level.
What you CAN get from a man is RESPECT. Ironically, IF a man (an HVM) respects you, he will TREAT YOU in the way you THINK him "loving you" will create. But I caution women not to seek a man's love because the second you do anything that changes his "internal feelings of love" he will justify all sorts of scrote behavior in his head.
That's why FDS is about being a "queen". You are always the queen and whether or not a man is attracted to you, wants to sleep with you, wants to marry you... whatever he wants is entirely IRRELEVANT. His internal "feelings" about you are entirely irrelevant. The only thing that matters is... is he treating you with respect. If a man ever speaks to you or behaves with you in any way that is less than the respectful way someone would speak to an actual queen, you remove his access to you.
Male validation is a scam.
Facts! It's fickle, fleeting and not something to base your self worth on. It sounds trite but true beauty does come from within.
I wish someone told me this when I was 16. Being used is worse than no attention at all ever, and just leaves you with self doubt and trauma that colors every subsequent interaction.
Hi there - As a successful Psychologist I have seen that many emotional wounds are inflicted on Women and Men.
For many it seems that there are many reasons why it isnt dealt with and "Healed"
The easier way out is the "Blame Game" or avoid responsibiliy, which can act as an anesthetic, which is Ok for the time being.
The Human body is incredible, but can only take so much, before symptoms start exhibiting.
Yes I have been severly Hurt, and Yes I am Single and, I love Men and to be honest I would be rendered useless in my line of work, if I held a grudge, if somebody came to me with a relational issue.
It's the old saying " Hurt People, Hurt People"
Religion is mentioned in this thread, and if understood, back in Biblical days the Lady at the well who was a Samaritan Woman, was looked down upon by society, but Jesus risked being mocked by the Pharisees, who were basically people who were watching and trying to catch Jesus out.
It is called Legalistic, look at them as Traffic wardens who work on commision, and hide around lamposts to jump out if you parked over 1 second too long.
Deep down Everybody wants to be loved and accepted and denying it, is not helpful.
A Glass of water is not heavy, if you just lift it up.
Hold it for 5 minutes, 30 minutes, and hour and dare I say a week.
So as you hold onto Anger and bitterness, the person who inflicted upon you, is off enjoying life.
One of the biggest Gifts we have is Choice, and when we get to 99 we will realise that our choices have defined our journey through our lives.
Stay Safe and Enjoy the Christmas Break
Jenny