Not written by me. Taken from reddit. Hope this is okay. This post was very important to me and I wanted to share it here. Written by Protoetype on Reddit.
Strategies for neuroatypical ladies and why following FDS rules is especially relevant to us
I wanted to make post for any fellow neuroatypical ladies, to emphasize why FDS are so important to us and add some tips relevant. As a neuroatypical myself, I found the strategies especially relevant to me since stability, stress free environments are crucial in being able to function on daily basis, as well as having more troubles reading cues, being more inclined to misjudged due to impulsive & inattentive behaviors. Those rules can be lifesavers as having to deal with a stressful relationships or partner can be extremely detrimental to us.
1. Always prioritize your mental health and yourself. There is no need to rush into dating if you don't feel ready, if you have still things to work out, are in the process of learning about the neurodivergence and how to function etc. Bad relationships can be detrimental to therapeutical work and structures. A partner should make your life easy, but it's never a substitute for whatever you may need to function (be it therapy, meds etc). Never rely on a relationship to fix issues of any kind.
2. Don’t think you deserve less, that you’re difficult, that it’d take a special kind of partner to understand and settle for the first person that shows you signs of empathy, acceptance of your quirkiness and understanding. All of the rules here still apply to us and especially relevant. No one is worthy of having your structure or mental them put at stake for them.
3. For us there are certain tradition date settings that can be uncomfortable and feel overstimulating (noise at restaurants, being hyper aware while sitting in front of someone while having to stare at them in the eye etc) but it should not be a reason to settle for low effort and cheap dates, like boring walk dates. What's the point of boring dates when we can date plenty entertained and stimulated through our quirky interests on our own?
4. I'd personally avoid mentionning anything about being neuroatypical until trust is gained to avoid negging, being taken advantage of and gaslighted, it being used as an excuse for low efforts on date ends. While being neuroatypical surely has an heavy influence on certain aspects of our lives, it should not be the sole thing to define us, we're still people like everyone else.
5. In the same vein as point 4, if you have ADHD and are medicated on stims, keep it to yourself and always keep your meds safe. With all of the neurotypical lvm out there using it recreationally, thinking of it as legal cocaine and that it's not nothing ADHDers need (good old cliché of being lazy or trying hard enough), you never know. Especially if you live somewhere where they are hard to access and strictly controlled, even for us who need it. This can be generally applied to benzos, antidepressants, anti-psychotic... A friend of mine who was anti-depressants used to get neg for it by LVM.
6. I can’t speak for everyone, but if you’re neuroatypical, you are very likely to have spent/be spending hundred of dollars on therapy, medications, treatments… As woman, you may have been diagnosed pretty late or struggling to get one, you’ve had to learn how to implement coping strategies on your own to be able to function. You work hard and invest a lot of yourself, you are ressourceful and resilient. You probably have a vast knowledge and a bunch of topics of interests, that you learn in intricate details during time of hyper focus. Why should you expect any less from a partner, especially one who gets to be neurotypical?
7. Simply tasks and organisation can often feels like a nightmare and can demand a lot of energy from us. It is hard enough to do those things for ourselves, you don’t need the extra stress of having to do that for someone who can’t clean after themselves or remember when to take medical appointments, kids' birthday etc. As said here before, a relationship should enhance your life, not add additional stress.
8. Remember that time you had to change your schedule and you got stressed or angry? This is why having someone reliable who doesn’t change plans last moment and lives up to their commitment is important for you. You don’t want to be dealing with that kind of feelings everyday and have the structure you’ve worked to implemented to turn into complete chaos. Moving on and blocking at first offense always applies.
9. Alone time, recharging can be important. Romantic partners do not get a special pass on that boundary (or any boundary you may have). But from personal experience, I know this one is something that can be easily overlooked and neglected. We may think we're being selfish, ridiculous etc. Again, mental health always comes first.
10. Someone that makes you feel secure will not make you go into constant overthinking, sure, sometimes it’ll happen because overthinking is part of the ‘package’, but good relationship and partner will not occupy your every thought. You should not feel any different to how a good friend will make you feel (if you aren’t sure whether the relationship is the problem or a general anxiety problem). Symptoms or negative patterns should not be exacerbated in the particular context of a relationship, if it's a good one.
11. Stay away from alcohol while dating, if you can/are allowed to drink. Even if in moderate quantities, you want to be fully in tune with the moment to be able to read the cues (which can be hard for us sometimes) and keep your reward system & dopamine steady so it doesn’t trap you into thinking the date was exciting when that was probably the alcohol that gave you the euphoria.
12. Those rules apply with fellow neuroatypical guys. Being neuroatypical isn't a reason to be a douche or low efforts. Netflix's Love on the Spectrum is a good example of neuroatypical men being fully capable of being high efforts, considerate and attentive in the dating scene.
Dating apps are not the only way to meet people. For those of us with stranger social anxiety, dating apps can be a challenge. No need to force yourself into it, if it's not your thing. Seeking out new hobbies can be a great way to meet people, where you'll actually have things in common to speak about (I personally wished I had invested more in that, rather than wasting time on apps).
Hope this helpful. If any fellow neuroatypical here wanna add anything or correct points, feel free to. I'd love to get some insights and hear about your experiences.