You are too scared to say, “No. I don’t want to split the check.” Also, “no, I do not consent to that..”
You are too afraid to walk out on a dinner date so you “prefer” coffee “dates”. It’s a bizarre argument that you don’t want to have dinner with a stranger but coffee is okay- the only difference is the ambiance, a few exchanges with a server and the price tag for the man. And you reinforce that you “owe” a man according to how much a man has spent on both of you.
The two scenarios I mention above are about being afraid to set boundaries and being scared of hurting the feelings of men that are virtual strangers and are not showing any interest in making you comfortable!
Assertiveness skills are necessary for dating and to be in ANY kind of healthy relationship- be it platonic, familial or romantic.
*It took practice to unlearn my “people pleasing”/pickmeism and now I’ve got pretty great boundaries and assertiveness skills.
It is normal if this has never been framed this way for you. I’m writing from an overlap of my experiences and what other women have discussed. But please reread the handbook. This is a forum for strategy not “I’m just going with my feelings and past experience which haven’t actually worked for me.”
Financial boundaries are not talked about often enough. It is a financial boundary to say, “I’m confused. You invited me so I thought you were taking care of this.” It’s RUDE of a man to make assumptions about your finances or that you will pay your way on an experience that he planned. And even if you are broke, you are wise to opt out of “double poverty”. It’s fascinating that women are ashamed to be poor or to feel that they shouldn’t ask for things they can’t do for themselves.
Whether or not you can afford a fancy dinner- date men who WANT and can offer that to you and won’t shame you for your financial status. Yes, some men are predatory and want to control you with their finances but poor men have the same qualities and will find other ways to abuse you. (It’s also a false dichotomy that a generous man will be controlling.)
Secondly, if you cannot tell a stranger, “No” or if you are afraid of upsetting a man you have never met before then don’t go out with him! Normalize that it is better to not date than to put yourself in vulnerable situations. A LOT of men are creepy so your gut/ick is common. It’s just that women are taught that we should be endlessly dating and that the love at the end of the dating rainbow will make the trauma worthwhile.
💡Dating/courtship are mentally challenging and risky. I would love it if dating were like it was advertised in TV/films. But dating for women just isn’t casual- even if we want it to be.
I think the real reason many women keep defending the coffee date is that if they don’t accept coffee dates, they will not date at all. And I want you to be okay with that. Normalize that men are mostly low effort and sex digging and that you only go on thoughtful dates- even if that is once a year or every few months.
Lastly, the finances of dating. Some women cannot afford to date. I cannot afford to date a man unless he is better off than me and adds financial value. I am financially stable 🤣 but a 60 min coffee date is $6-13 for a man to pay. In that time, a woman can make $15 at a minimum wage job (I’m in California so adjust accordingly). I would rather make my hourly rate than go on a coffee date with a man that is likely a sex digger.
There are financial implications that women need to understand before dating. This is one of the reasons as a class we keep getting exploited.
Yes, the romcoms/social narratives have lied to us about this! Dating is mentally challenging and risky especially if you don't have very clear boundaries and well-developed assertiveness skills. Which is the case for most young women, since we aren't taught to take up space and see men for what they are. In the past, entire families were involved with the courting negotiations, now naive, desperate-for-a-man girls and women are out there fending for themselves in the wild west of male depravity, manipulation and abuse.
Some women don't realize that dating isn't about making people like you, it's about vetting men out of your dating pool. Finding a man who won't make your life harder, but easier.
Recognizing and asserting your financial boundaries is incredibly important! Even beyond the dating stages, you need to assert that you expect a man to be financially secure and provide for you.
It’s wrapped up in other FDS failures, but when I was very young, I unwisely let a new boyfriend move in with me. I ended up paying all of our expenses for YEARS until I finally gathered the strength to break up with him. I was not comfortable with the situation, but didn’t have the fortitude to assert a boundary.
When a man manipulates or coerces you to pay for expenses that you are not comfortable with, it is financial abuse and it calls for immediately removing him from your life!! It doesn’t matter if you’ve gone on 1 date or you’ve been together 10 years. I wish I hadn’t learned that one the hard way. The faster you act on the situation, the easier it is. I wish I'd dumped him after a month after seeing he was a broke leech, instead of perpetuating my suffering for years.
How can I help explain to a woman that always paying for herself as if she is a burden, isn't rape prevention? Imo its practically rape bait, and the men who are like that are going to pressure all women no matter what kind of date.