Hi queens! I've been lurking on this forum for a while but wanted to make a post on how to stop feeling lonely while levelling up. I was inspired by this video the utube algorithmn served up to me on making peace with being alone: https://youtu.be/Y1vLSHGdYKw?si=FFjFSSa3KNnCghRF (P.S I'm glad to see a younger generation of women being self-sufficient and espousing FDSish aligned principles)
But basically my story is that I started distancing myself from pickme friends because I realised that their company was negatively influencing me. Because of that, I began to feel lonely and I wanted to write about what I've learnt from this aspect of my levelling up journey
2 things I learnt from my own experience
One:
Selectively cut people off - there are some pickme friends I've circled back to but kept at a greater distance. This is essential, you don't want to cut everyone off because you need social connection while you build your FDS aligned circle but at the same time, you don't want to get excessively involved in their drama anymore: keeping a polite distance achieves both objectives. Anyone who is truly toxic you simply have to cut them off completely.
Two:
Get ok with being alone. This what the video I watched went in depth about. You're going to be lonelier as you distance yourself from your old friends but that's a price you'll have to pay if you're trying to leave that pick-me energy behind (and truly let me tell you, that pickme energy is infectious! leave it behind asap). I've always subconsciously felt ashamed at going out or doing things alone but I've learnt that it's more in my head than anything and that I shouldn't blame myself for things I can't control (e.g that I don't have a circle of FDS aligned girlfriends already). Force yourself thru exposure therapy - do the things you're afraid of doing yourself and do them often until you emotionally understand that it makes no tangible difference to your life if you ask for a table for one!
That's it friends! Thanks for reading :D I've embedded the video I mentioned below!
I try to remind myself that everyone is lonely. It doesn't matter if you are single or in a relationship or have a big group of friends or family around or not. Our current world is so very isolating (I blame social media) and even if you have people you consider to be your friends and spend time with them, it doesn't mean they understand you on a deeper, meaningful level. And to me, I'd rather feel alone in my own company than feel alone with someone else.
Thanks for sharing this!
I've come to love being alone. It took time and therapy, but I prefer alone time to anything else. So many people drain energy, why allow it?
There is nothing wrong with us! Far from it, we are superior humans.
When I'm in public alone, I like to pretend that I'm a Queen. I am very selective about who gets my time and attention. Because royalty!
I have a small circle of friends and family and I love them. And ME. That's all I need. I hope others can find the same joy.
I love seeing posts like this cuz they're so relatable! My friends in real life are HVW and they're busy so often with their own lives that being alone even when you have friends is also bound to happen so getting used to it is normal. When we have full lives of hobbies and work and friends and family we tend to not have enough hours in the day. Lol.
Thank you for sharing.
The loneliness is better than dealing with serious bad stuff, but can also be difficult.
This is a fantastic video. She's very articulate and there is genuine kindness in the way she talks. Thanks for sharing!
Yes, get it girl!
Finally, someone that understands me.
I’ve left 3 very painful friendships/relationships behind.
I stopped talking to two girls I’ve met in kindergarten. We reconnected during the pandemic after a decade long intermission. From being with those two, I realized we were so different. One girl is in this stupid 7 year booty call/situationship. The other one is spiralling. Sadly, I can’t help her out of it, and I feel bad about it. I can’t stay her friend because I think she’s going to drag me down with her. For reference, she is impulsive and her coping mechanism is to get tattoos and piercings whenever she feels upset. Her father recently died and she spent the bulk of her inheritance on fancy tattoos and vacations. She doesn’t really think for her future. She’s been on drunk benders, and I’m just too old to be outside after 10pm.
The third girl was a family relative. I feel bad for this, but I declined being her maid of honour half way through planning. Her bridesmaid (who were her friends) didn’t get along with me so they went dress shopping without me, picked an inappropriate dress that my mother and I had problems with, I get a text one morning asking me to pick out the colour of the dress. Before that, bridesmaid to buy expensive designer dresses, when they wanted to wear Shein. There was a compromise (also done without my knowledge) to buy cheap knock offs at aliexpress.
There were also other problems due to her poor planning. First off, I lost $600 on her destination wedding, because the bride and groom refused to get their vaccinations due to their beliefs. Honestly, why the fuck did they plan a destination wedding if they weren’t going to get vaccinated? There was the issue of charging guests for food, but then she resorted to this scheme, and only charge one side (her side) an entry fee. For context, this is an interracial marriage with an Asian and white couple. Asian guest will come with money. She knew that her husband’s side will not come with money. She was trying to scheme to find ways her Asian side would pick up the food bill for both sides. She wanted each guest of her side of the family to come with $200, because food was $100/ person. Some other unrelated side stuff was that, her mom paid for her wedding and dress. She has poor impulse problems and did not strategically plan her bachelorette party, and bridal shower and bought all these random decorations because it was on clearance. In short, they had their wedding at a school venue where none of them attended. She’s a college drop out, and the groom never went to college. I was getting shit from my mother about this wedding, it was stressing her out. That dress was like some next level shit. I was working full time, saving money for a car ( imagine being out $600, and having to dish out more money on uncertainties, and fantasies), and attending grad school. Whenever the bride and I talked, nothing was ever established, and we she couldn’t come to a decision. By the end, I was frustrated, my mother was stressed due to the bride’s decisions that involved me (that dress was extremely inappropriate for my cultural standards, and would have tarnished my reputation within the community), and gave me even more unnecessary stress. Call me a bad person for bailing, but I’m so much happier without her in my life.
I’m actually thinking of making a separate post for this fiasco, because I want to get FDS’s insight on this. I feel so bad for bailing, but I just couldn’t deal with having bad relationship with my mother, and added stress due to her indecisiveness.