Obviously you can't outright say no or be mean all the time because you know what happens to women.
Wish I had the courage to yell at these males to fuck off or pepper spray them. This one man fucking wasted my time at the grocery store pretending he was helping me find an item and following me around, on top of that he was almost 20 years older than me 🤢 (yea he kept trying to purse after knowing that). Glad I safely got away from him but still.
Then there's this one guy (that is not my type) who asked me for my socials in the dorm kitchen. Ofc he just wants to smash because he asks if I want to hang out in his room. I'm finding out a way to waste his time, say I got a bf later down the line and ghost. But I'm also contemplating on going to the kitchen on the other side of the dorm just so I don't run into him. I have problems of not rejecting guys its so bad that I ended up having sex I didn't like at all. Its from a combination of pickmeism + shyness/social anxiety.
The good part is you know you have a problem, what the problem is, and know the solution is to have more courage to reject them. What you can do as a woman is start by actively saying NO. Say it. Out loud. I know it's hard, but it becomes so much easier the more you get used to it.
The next time that guy is in the kitchen tell him you're not interested and to go away. He may or may not, but there are cameras and if he persists then you report him to your RA or send an email to the head of the dorms. Make your concerns known. They will stomp out this behavior immediately because it's harassment at that point. College is pretty great about taking concerns seriously.
As for men in the super market if you're being followed and no matter how much you protest he won't go away go up to a worker and tell them that man is harassing and following you and you don't feel safe. They might be able to do something, sometimes not tho depending on the store, but at the very least they'll be able to walk you to your car so you get home safe.
Pepper spray is great, but pepper gel is better. Work on saying no because as we get older our "shyness" is not a reason to go up to a guy's room. Plant your feet and say no. We have agency. We have autonomy. Find your voice.
Examples of ways to blow off men:
"No."
"Absolutely not."
"I will not be doing that."
"No, thank you."
"Not today... or ever."
"I'm busy, you should ask someone else."
"I'm not interested."
"That's not really my style."
"You're too old for me."
"I prefer guys my own age."
"I don't give out my number/social media to strangers."
"I only give out my number/social media to friends."
"That doesn't sound fun to me."
"I'd rather stay here."
"I'd rather not."
The list isn't exhaustive, but say these to yourself in the mirror. Get used to saying them.
Tell them you don't have any socials. Also when dudes are weird like that in public with me, I act uncomfortable until they leave me alone. Avoid eye contact, keep a physical distance, and give grey-rock answers to everything.
Girl I gotchu. You gotta try out the ~asking them for money method💰~
It repels the dusties super fast when you ask them for money and it’s funny.
When men harass us they’re essentially sex diggers and nobody shames them for this unlike women who are constantly called “gold diggers” for wanting such expensive materialistic things like flowers lmao. Of course do not give dusties your personal information and always use google numbers and aliases if needed.
Do it: spray them.
I will also add that if you were abused or traumatized as a girl, you were probably trained to be polite and never say "no." If you have trouble standing up for yourself even when you recognize a predator, you may need therapy.
EMDR is great for trauma recovery.
I get you. I have been wanting to try being ‘mean’ (=a woman with efficient boundaries) for many months now but it takes so much practice not being like me? A new year's resolution isn't enough for that type of transformation. That’s why I think your last sentence is a bit harsh on yourself, we’ve been conditioned to place mens’ potential feelings above our safety and it’s so deeply installed in our system that the actual likelihood of consequences to our ‘rudeness’ don’t matter, it’s just not a viable choice of behaviour at all. At least that’s what it’s like for me. Maybe some things can’t be learned or understood but simply have to be practiced.
I started reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, as continuously and strongly recommended on here, a while ago and have only made it to about a quarter of the book but already it helps me a lot to read about alternative choices in reactions to icky situations (with men) I would've thought of as uncomfortable or "weird" or rude and oh so mean before. I'd love to just not smile when there's nothing to smile about and live selfishly and in tune with my gut feeling. Until I will have mastered that I'll try to remember de Beckers' rational writing voice:
"A decent man would understand her reaction or, more likely, wouldn't have approached a woman alone in the first place, unless she really had some obvious need. If a man doesn't understand the reaction and stomps of dejected, that's fine too. In fact, any reaction - even anger - from a decent man who had no sinister intent is preferable to continued attention from a violent man who might have used your concern about rudeness to his advantage." (p.63)
And I don't even think violent is what is needed to make this calculation, annoying, stupid, mildly obnoxious but harmless is already bad enough. I would say that you shouldn't let yourself be scared out of your shared kitchen and make him be the one to take an extra walk to the other one, but you can probably assess him and your safety in this situation better than anyone on here. Maybe it could be a good practice? Not you but he is the weird and mean one, getting on others' nerves where nobody asked him and spreading all kinds of nasty nonsense in your cooking place.
Do men pull back if you tell them you're asexual or bisexual? (even if you're not, lol)