I originally had this really big detailed post explaining my back story etc but I lost it.
Living at home again
c-PTSD, getting it sorted going well apart from insomnia and nightmares.
Hypothyroidism, subclinical so can't be treated, waiting to see which way it goes.
Just got accepted into a finance course
3 older dusty bros, first 2 are late 30s early 40s bros who only just started working 2 maybe 3 years ago consistently. Refuse to contribute in any significant way to the house that they practically lived in their entire lives.
Second born is mum's fave, she has told us this for years, she prefers her two oldest son's and boys in general, 2nd born is the fave fave. He's a pretty open porn sick sexist misognist (though that's not how he describes himself) that targets young black women, has a 23/22year old at the time barely literate baby mama from an African village. He's the "bumbling idiot" manipulator type. Casually Lies. Can't lie to me, I know him that's how I know. And I'm smarter than him soooo.
Neither of the 2 older bros pay rent.
2nd born is still obsessed and fetishises white and asian women, yes he has openly told me all he wants to do in life is cum, have a bunch of women and he wants 10 kids by multiple women and live irresponsibly, I AM NOT EXAGGERATING OR JOKING, he told me this, he's a grade A dusty and an enemy to all women in my opinion. He's no longer my mum's fave as she learned the harsh way when my sis moved on with her life that my older sis was the only one who had her back and financially now gives her any significant support.
My mum is a muling class B+ mammy, used to be A*. But I digress. She learned the hard way. Loved my dad though he abandoned her and I have some half siblings out there somewhere. also admitted to me once causally when they first started hanging out/dating he basically R*d her. Never went into details, never spoke about it since but I have NEVER forgotten. And of course my 3 bros despite the youngest of them not really knowing or liking him refuse to call a duck a duck. He was a dusty loser 0vm that's it. Now my youngest bro who is a manophere mainstream "light" dude says we don't know the full story. Typical dusty blaming an abused abandoned mother who worked her arse off alone in a foreign country and somehow managed to secure safe passage for 4 f'ing kids to come to a 1st world country for a better life. He's earning six figures now, but still has the arrogance to say he would have been just as successful if he grew up in Africa. I lived there for two years and the guy couldn't even understand how things worked out there no matter how I tried to explain it. Our mum is not perfect and I don't even really like her as a person but when she has your back it's basically for life. She made a way out of no way and this dust ball told me dad just probs got tired of her and moved on basically because of her "attitude". He would literally be nothing without her, but try telling him that.
Oldest bro is nice but an enabler and still enages in male entitlement, he's just "really nice" about it and a do nothinger with less adult life skill than the average 10 year old today. Because my mum never forced them to grow up.
My older sis is somewhere living her best life trying to be unbothered after a lifetime of being put down by mammy mother in favour of favourite 2nd born son who had anger issues growing up, was a perpetual victim, would steal the little clothes and shoes and deorderant that my sis would buy for herself from saving her odd job money as a teenager, when my mum would buy him anything he needed as soon as she could and literally nothing for my sister. She does her own thing now. Gotta love her.
TLDR: last night was the last straw on the phone with my 4th born after sis, oldest bro and I've fully accepted that he's just a high acheiving dusty derelict loser with the typical perpetual weak male victim white worshipping colourist black male delusional cultural mindset. And I will be treating him as such going forwards. But we were really close so I'm sad. Need support please. 🥺.
I basically got abandoned abroad in a 3rd world country, no not in a nice touristy area, tried to make it work for 2 years. Lost my mum/not bio mum, the woman who raised me, at the beginning of the second year. It was a horrific soul crushing experience. But curses also have gifts and I got to see who was really there for me but also got be well out of comfort zone, became extremely resilient and resourceful and also had to see and face myself at my worst to truly accept myself etc etc.
So I'm back in the UK. Slowly healing and building myself up again, but better. Crushing all my goals no matter how small they may be.
But in those two years I changed drastically, and I also fully took in the doctorine and values here and became a devout FDser. Like seriously guys, I'm you're arch bishop, you're batwoman. And that made me finally understand where I stood in the world sans the purposefully confusing and derailing black male worship, male worship, internal misogyny and misogynoir. I was never really a male or black male worshipper but I defo wasn't hip to the okidoke i.e. gaslighting or the double standards that even my youngest older brother had for me as a black woman vs the white women he was obsessed with. Every time a guy "fooled" me he would either laugh, play devil's advocate so we could discuss what I did "wrong" or both. And I think this whole time I was in denial to it but slowly waking up to the bullshit. When I wanted to find a well paying job that's remote he told me off, telling me that I shouldn't be so picky, that I had no right. But also that I needed to be a SCRONGE independent lady. But he also told me this as he pays all the bills for his (which I think he should) white blonde blue eyed girlfriend from his well paying remote job, that he wouldn't even allow her to call herself independent. So I need to get a crappy job and also be a SCRoNge independent black woman, ok. This isn't about white women interraciallly dating, which I have no issue with, but the unique cultural dynamic created when mysognoirist colourist black men fetishise them and use them to abuse and triangulate black women. I didn't even connect their relationship to the fetishisation of biracial children. The way they discussed what features their daughter would have etc. Hoping she would be light with sandy blonde hair and blue eyes. I watched videos of biracial women talking about their abusive racist white mothers or white mothers who couldn't relate to them. Now I know it's not all. But there is a weird culture of having biracial people just "because" and I think many of us know the weirdos that make them haphazardly and in the uk most have been abandoned to the foster care system. And I personally, as a foster kid, get triggered by people who make children haphazardly. Anyway I told him my findings and regurgitated the advice that these biracial adults had given out on social media based on their bad and good experiences and what they think the multiracial children need to feel a sense of self esteem and identity assurredness. I simply told him he needs to be prepared for it and to surround her with people, toys, books, dolls and friends who looks like her. He got mad and started yelling at me. HE told ME he wanted me to be aunty No.1 and to give his daughter advice and be there for her when she grows up. But now I'm doing too much? I said I was just giving him all the information I had to prepare him. Because it will come up, he will have to deal with it and he can't just strong arm her into blackness and many biracial girls don't see themselves in their white mothers. He kept getting angry with me. He's dumb and pretending racially ambiguous people don't have a dubious position in society at times that negatively effects them doesn't mean your biracial daughter won't experience it. Also he lives in an extremely racist white homogenous European country currently, so we'll just have to pray for this little girl of colour whose father isn't preparing to instill any of the much needed survival skills or lessons to nagivate the society she's about to grow up in. I left it. I'll still be here when she crosses that bridge, someone has to. Then we started talking about the death or Kevin Samuels. Which I found out about late but was very happy. I wish death on no one but this man was evil plain and simple. My brother said he wasn't that bad and the vunerable women who went on his show had it coming. I agreed about the poor women askin for it, but told him the impact of the man's rethoric, including R* and SA on little girls plus don't believe children who are being abused was harmful and measurable. He argues like a dusty and is super slow and dumb when it comes to anything that requires the understanding and nuanced comprehension of anything socialogical. He's a great coder, but try to discuss any nuanced layered topics, especially about the reality of gender and you're just bashing your head against a brick wall. It was at that moment that I realised that I had thoroughly outgrown him in both intelligence and maturity. Plus he supported the debasement of black women whether directly or not and was in fact a misogynoirist. His pregante girlfriend- of course he hasn't married her yet is also a lib fem. He also supports porn. I'm just done. But we used to be so close. And now I have to officially consider him with the same energy I do every other dusty low value 0vm. I pretty much have no one in my life who isn't some sort of mammy or pick me or scrote.
I just turned 30 and this decade is very exciting for me. I'm not ready to date yet obv. I'm pretty much just dating myself. But I also have to contend with my mother who won't accept that I'm child free. She's African so she yells that I'm not "a white" and HAVE to have children. She told me in the future we'll discuss getting me a husband so I can push out babies. It's stressful to deal with her sly comments about me being a mother and wife. I don't want to think about men right now. I want to plan spa days, buy myself flowers, continue my education and wear nice clothes. But she's told me you're not a success unless you have children. She told me if don't like men just be a single mother. And I told her I was here for the passed 25 years watching you do it, doesn't look like fun. She has terrible taste in men obviously and it hasn't changed much. She wants to match me to some randos in Africa so I can bring him to the uk to support him. I said I would only marry an African if he was substancially wealthy and divorce him soon after. But I'm still not having kids. Her standards are in the gutter, so she told me I'm a poor girl from a poor family and that she even visited my dad at his family's house when it was flooded. I told her she chose wrong. But I'm here now so I don't really care. Keep in mind her father, my grandfather owned so much land that you could get lost in it for daaaays. And during her day, land meant you were solidly middle class, plus he was a revered elder if her community then. So even if she and my dad did grow up in the village, she still married down. And I'm all about maximum benefits and funnelling wealth and resources into the pockets of women. But especially black women because we get such a crappy deal. She told me to marry for love, I told her only poor people do that. I don't mean to be harsh and I don't wanna shame us poors out here. But like I said I'm all about self love first and maximum benefits. I won't love a man who can't secure my future in a financially tangible way. I can do bad all by myself, thanks. And the men in west Africa when I was there were so spoiled. They were weak losers looking for a comeup and they were so ignorant of the wider world despite social media. It hurts me to say this but that one A*hole was right, west Africa is a grave yard full of spoiled sex obsessed pornsick drunkard drugged up ineffective sexist men. And S*x trafficking R* and the Porn industry out there is one of of the worst. Porn, forced prostitution and exploitation of women and children are literally shaking hands, that's how openly and brutally connected their relationship is out there. Sex for grades (young women being forced to have sex with their teachers to graduate school, college uni), Group R*, ritualistic R*, is common place and it's practically lawless out there, especially for women and children, but most importantly every other woman/teen girl is a prostitute. I am not exaggerating. So I'm done. Sad and lonely but done.