A couple weeks after my breakup, in my very hurt and raw state, a friend of a friend mentioned FDS. I was curious and have done a deep dive since and have realized how much of a pickme I have been in my life and all the familial and social conditioning that led me there. I've not seen any other space that unapologetically asserts women's worth and I wish more women knew about it.
Onto the scrote nonsense. My ex and I were together for five years. Very soon after the first few months of the honeymoon period, the sex dropped off. He never initiated, it was always me. I brought it up when it became concerning and he attributed it to work stress, then money stress, then it became about his inability to be around my anxiety and how it was triggering to him. Then it was about my pubic hair, then it was about me not being on birth control. My pickme self kept thinking if we keep working on this, if I keep working on myself, things will get better. The day to day friendship part of our relationship was actually pretty great and I thought if we got the sex part worked out, it would be the whole package. I tend to be introspective and love therapy and self-help, so I did a deep dive on working on my anxiety thinking if I was better, then maybe he would finally want to have sex with me. He didn't. I tried to get him to go to couples counseling, I tried to get him to go to individual counseling, I asked him to stop masturbating, I asked for an open relationship, I did all the emotional labor and he got defensive about each of these requests and roadblocked me at every step. After all the attempts on my part, after five years together, he told me that he had never been attracted to me. Mind you, he's gray, balding, short, has flabby love handles, and a small dick. And I make more money than him.
Fast forward 2 months post breakup. I did sleep with a hot guy from the gym, he's 30, I'm 39, so that was fun. But even though the sex was awesome it was unfulfilling and anxiety provoking, so I broke it off and I'm back to leveling up and working on my girl squad. But then I had a setback in learning that my ex had started seeing someone. He was talking about it openly in the gym we both go to, and word travels. It really opened up all the scars and all the baggage that came with the physical rejection I had experienced from him for years. I couldn't handle not knowing who it was and if he had cheated on me when we were together, so I went back to our old apartment when he wasn't there (we're still in the lease so I still have a key while we're sorting shared property) and I read all his text messages. This is what Tina Fey calls "emotional cutting". I knew this was a bad move but I was determined and couldn't stop myself.
I don't recommend this for everyone but I feel SO MUCH BETTER NOW! Reading through their entire text exchange I noticed she always texted first. Very early in the morning. And I was like nah, sis. And then when I finally got to the end of the their text exchange the morning after text came from her and said "looking forward to being naked with you again" and he responded with a joke. She then referenced the sex again to which he responded with another joke, and now I'm just like oh, poor girl. This is what happens when a scrote can't even process his emotions inside the relationship he is in. Then goes on to start another relationship two months later. No introspection, no responsibility taking, no growth, doomed to repeat all his patterns. Boy bye.
I will never settle for breadcrumbs again. Thank you FDS.