I've been a pick me from way back. It really got bad after high school, in college, when my "boy chasing" turned into sheer desperation. I had absolutely no self esteem or self worth. I let guys talk to me anyway they could, and treat me even worse. I've worked past a lot of it, and accepted that I did what I felt I had to do at the time. Although I forgave myself, I still feel a little ashamed of who I was at the time. I didn't know I was a pickme, though..
Some of the lowlights include:
- being a literal punching bag
- being with a guy who lived with his baby mama. We later married and that was a shit show in itself for another time.
- paying guys bills
- sending nudes
I thought guys wanted a doormat. They called it "ride or die", and that meant that I would do whatever it took to keep my hooks in a LVM who only wanted to ruin my life. I really thought that by being loyal and having my wallet open, I could get what I was looking for.
Last Sept I was in a textuationshit with a guy I met in 1986. We never really got together in high school, but we were briefly in a place physically and emotionally to try again last summer. It's LD, and we both work crazy hours, so a lot of comms were texting. I wasn't looking for a husband but i was willing to see where this went.
On Labor Day, I get a text that he wanted to work things out with hs estranged wife who had left him for another guy. Uh, ok. That night I started blocking amd deleting and deactivating my SM then I went NC. Then I found FDS.
Overnight, I was able to see everything I was doing wrong- buying gifts, sending nudes, just being too open in general. Too needy, too desperate. I was also able to see the negative flaws in this dude-- you're really gonna give your wife a year long hall pass? Wow. I dont even want a part of that. And your daughter thinks you 2 belong together?? Yeah dude. You deserve a liar and a cheater. Good luck.
He did come back, ofc. Story for another time.
Through FDS, I realized that I don't want another LTR. I don't ever want to live with anyone again. I'm fine with dating and keeping acquaintances that I occasionally see, but sex is off the table until I'm ready. And rn, I'm not even looking.