So, I'm a woman in her late 20's that is still a virgin. Not for any religious reasons, but just haven't had that experience yet. I have had some experiences with men like kissing, online sexual stuff when I was a bit younger, but not really anything sexual in person beyond like making out and grinding, touching each other over clothes etc.
I think for awhile I was hung up on wanting my first time to be special so I did want to hold out for someone, but I also am trying to reconcile that a big part of dating is just meeting different people. I think I am getting to a point where I would like to have sex with someone, but I still want it to be with a man I trust and feel safe with, while still managing my expectations re: that it's not necessarily going to be like, the most amazing time ever, or that the man I have my first time with is not necessarily going to be my super amazing special romantic sweetheart that I'm with for the rest of my life.
All that said, I think I just have questions about how to manage this lack of experience as I try to date. I know it's not something I need to tell anyone or everyone. I know some men are virgin chasers, although in my experience, I also find that this still tends to turn a lot of men off (they find being someone's first too much pressure, they want an experienced partner, etc.). I don't want to lie to anyone or feel like I'm hiding something. I also don't know how I'd react if maybe I went and had my first time with someone without mentioning it, but then it came out, and that person says they'd wished I'd told them or something. I also feel like part of feeling safe and comfortable with the right person would include me being honest about this, even if it was just a quick "hey, fyi, I'm new to this" in the middle of getting physical. (Or, maybe it's not necessary to say such a thing?)
Maybe I'm thinking about it too hard? I think I feel stuck between not wanting my first time to be a big deal (I want to manage my expectations), but also I want to make sure the person is safe, comfortable, etc. which feels like I'm making it a big deal even if that is actually reasonable. I think I'm worried about it being a negative experience somehow, and just feeling a lot of regret and shame after. I also definitely feel anxiety over men thinking it's weird/a turn off and losing interest in me over it.
I was a virgin into my early 20s and very insecure about it. I felt undesirable and was judging my self-worth based on how much male attention I perceived I was getting.
I then had several partners in my early 20s, who were LVM who saw me as more of a sexual outlet than a woman worthy of love and care. I incurred sexual trauma and gave up my power.
Sexual experience can give you perspective and insight, but it almost always comes at a steep cost of trauma and regret. Personally, my recommendation is to keep quiet about your virginity, work on your own personal self-confidence and self-exploration, and wait until a worthy HVM comes into your life. Based on how you explained it, your bar doesn’t have to be waiting for your forever-partner - but do wait until you find someone who respects and cares for you, otherwise you’re opening yourself up to sexual, physical, and emotional harm.
You don't have to disclose it (and shouldn't, in my opinion, because a lot of men get weird and creepy about the concept of taking someone's virginity). Any HV man will be careful and gentle by default when you have sex for the first time because they care about you.
If you really want to "warn" your partner in some way, you could say that you don't have a lot of experience or that it's been quite a while since you were intimate with someone. If you are comfortable with it, you could also experiment alone little to find put what kind of stimulation you like and don't like and what things feel like, so you feel a little more confident.
Not to diminish your feelings, because when I was younger I would've felt it was a big deal too, but you actually have no idea what a non issue this is. In fact it's a huge blessing and a luxury not everyone has due to culture, grooming, coercion, and straight up rape... sex with men, even in a relationship (the wrong relationship) can seriously mess you up and I say this as someone who had a positive first experience in a secure LTR. Nothing less than that is worth pimping yourself out for imo, you will not feel pleasure. Nothing fundamentally changes about you just because a penis penetrated your body except potentially by way of trauma. I hate that we build a whole identity around the act of not doing a thing called "virgin". The connotations of that word are pure patriarchal grooming /projection of the importance of taking a dick and the enforcement of sexual double standards.
The truth is you are not missing out on anything, I promise you. A good lover you find attractive, who sees you as more than a warm body is so so rare. Simply smashing organs is not particularly fun but we are groomed all our lives to think otherwise.
Something like 80% of women have never orgasmed through PIV sex and even that figure seems sus considering there's 10,000 + nerves in the clitoris vs 37 or so in the vagina. The intimate mental connection is the bare minimum to any true sexual pleasure with another. Only a man who cares about you will take his sweet time on your sweet spots, but even then they can be overly influenced by porn... Take some pride in knowing you have never prostitued yourself for no benefit to you besides removing a meaningless label due to insecurity.
And no, do not tell them until you've been happy together many years or if they ask directly and under no circumstances engage before you're ready. It truly doesn't matter.
Your sexual history is none of his business. If you don't feel like you want to tell a man about your virginity, then don't. We are judged whether we're virgins or had prior experience anyway.
If a man found out and wished you told him, imo that's not a good sign. You being a virgin or not shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Leave and B&D.
In case you haven't read this post: https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/handbook-posts/handbook-posts-a-guide-to-sex-for-virgins-from-a-ex-virgin
I’m not a virgin and I lost my virginity to a guy I liked who put in the work to make me orgasm. It’s very normal to place high expectations on sex, especially every time you have it with a new partner. I always expect every new partner to come with a clean STD test and to have already proven himself able to make me orgasm with just his hands and/or tongue. My favorite method when I’m not ready to have sex yet, but want to gauge how good he could be in bed is to masturbate to the other masturbating. That way I know I won’t be disappointed if it turns out his dick is subpar and can end the relationship before either of us care more. Sex comes after months of dating and him asking to be my bf. Tho not even right after we become bf/gf because I want to see a lot of paperwork as well as get an STD test and stuff.
Anyway, all this to say: whether it’s your 1st, 5th, or whatever, any new partner should always be someone who’s got your orgasm in mind, your best interests at heart, and makes you feel turned on, comfortable, and safe. Always. That’s not asking for too much.