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I’ve been thinking a lot about this old saying:“Show me your friends, and I’ll show you who you are.”
It’s more than just a proverb — it’s a deep truth. The idea is echoed in the Bible too: “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” (Proverbs 13:20).Who we surround ourselves with says more about us than we like to admit.
My last relationship opened my eyes. My ex called himself a feminist, a leftist, a socialist — someone who supposedly stood for equality and respect. Yet all of his friends were the complete opposite: working-class, right-wing, misogynistic men who cheated on their partners, yelled at their wives, and treated women like property. One of them even screamed at his wife in public.
When I asked why he still hung out with them, he’d say they were old friends, they grew up together. But now I know the truth: he was exactly like them — maybe even worse. He cheated on me with his ex-wife while preaching loyalty and ethics. He didn’t just tolerate those men — he mirrored them. That’s when it clicked for me:Good people do not align with immoral people. Not out of habit. Not out of “history.” Not if they truly hold values they claim to live by. Your friend who defends men who are multidating? Not on your side.
After the breakup, and with the help of therapy, I started cleaning house — hard.I cut off every single person in my life who lived by or enabled a lifestyle I don’t respect. I’m not talking about “differences of opinion” here. I’m talking about people who defend cheating, manipulation, disloyalty, abuse — or enable it by staying silent and complicit.
In a recent case, I had a friend who regularly socialized with polyamorous people and openly defended multi-dating. That’s not a lifestyle I can respect. I see it as deeply immoral. And for someone to not just tolerate that, but defend it — that tells me we’re living in different moral worlds. I don’t want that around me.
I don’t want to hear the excuses. I live by a strict moral code regarding my inner circle.
I never cheat.
I don’t multi-date.
I don’t use people.
I act with loyalty and integrity.
I do not play games. If I do not respect you, the friendship is over.
If someone breaks that code — or defends others who do — I’m done. Simple as that. I am not going to be "openminded". Behavior is either moral or not.
People often tell me I’m “too harsh,” or “too black and white.” They say we’re all human, we all make mistakes. And yes, small mistakes happen. Breaking a promise. Saying something you regret. Telling a white lie. I get that. But cheating, abuse, disloyalty, hitting a child — those aren’t small missteps.
I haven’t done those things. And I don’t care who it is — a friend of ten years, a partner, or even a family member — if someone crosses that moral line or enables others who do, I will cut them off. I’ve gone no-contact with my own sister. I don’t second-guess those choices.
Because here’s the truth: if you defend those who hurt others, how do I know you won’t hurt me?
Remember this next time a divorced man tries to convince you to give him a chance. Women don't divorce men over small mistakes, right?
Stay harsh, queen.
I agree 100%. There's a saying that you are the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with so if someone is spending a lot of time around low value people, that is a sign that they are also low value.
I hold myself up to the same standard. I used to have a number of pick me friends who would often say very misogynistic things. I tolerated these friends for far longer than I should have because I had known these people since school. A few years ago, I got some sense, I started really evaluating my friendships and ended the friendships with people whose values differed radically from my own.
While I agree that immoral people should be removed from our lives, are we each drawing our own moral line in the sand? If so, there's no objective moral standard we can all strive for. Just saying that it's not always so simple.