So I am dating this man where I found out (through his friends) that he left his his ex of 7 years so he can work/study overseas. He was in his early 20s. He also went through an abortion with her. His ex was devastated and they do not have contact anymore.
Now I am in my early thirties and he claims he values loyalty. Loyalty is also my main value, but through this, I think we might have different definitions of loyalty.
I realized men do not change, and I do not want to be a "gf of convenience". However, even though I think that was savage, he wouldn't have gotten as far career wise if he stayed in his home country. He did cleanly break it off before pursuing his endeavors.
What do y'all think?
It's not necessarily a glaring red flag, but it does tell you something about him. He was ready to make a major life change and sacrifice a presumably important relationship over it. He might do it again if there's something else he really wants that stands at conflict with his relationship. I'm not really judging this in any way, to be honest, because some people are highly independent and driven like that. And it does come with advantages, like you said. You just have to ask yourself whether that's the type of man you want. The upside is that he is someone who can push himself and go after his goals (I'm assuming the best here, the other possibility is that he's avoidant af lol). The downside is that you might never be first priority, or at least only temporarily. I myself am very much a person who expects their partner to be fiercely loyal even if that means they're going to have more modest goals. Some women might prefer a man who shoots for the stars.
I think it’s interesting that his friends shared this info with you.
Also interesting that if he was responsible enough regarding contraception, why did this lady find herself in the situation where they both had to seek an abortion?
Pursuing a career overseas is a shrewd move for a man in his early 20s and it’s little surprise that the relationship didn’t survive given the choices he made. But, he clearly made a choice to prioritise himself. I suspect he’ll do the same with future partners but I could be wrong.
Basically if your gut is yelling at you that his loyalty isn’t on par with yours or that he would keep you as a placeholder until another career opportunity came up, then listen to that instinct.
Huge red flag. It's one thing if they dated for a year or maybe 2 tops, but he happily wasted 7 years of some girls life and said those 7 years of bonding weren't as important as moving overseas. Sociopathic.
Choosing a career over a partner (and one as serious enough as a 7-year one) is something he'll do over and over again. Men who do that deserve to remain genetic dead-ends - women aren't just pieces of furniture you can swap in and out at your convenience.
“Found out through his friends” 🚩🚩Do you grasp why this fact is a big glaring red flag here?
If if it was a year or two, straight out of highschool I would understand, but 7 years is a very long time... 7 years bonding is family like. By that time my family would be seriously concerned why we aren't married. If he loved her that dearly to spend 7 years with her, he could have figured out a way to keep her. He could have married her, find a country where both of them could get quality education or sponsored her to come with him. I feel like there are options when you truly wish to be with someone.
Did she get an abortion because she wanted to or because she felt he won't be there for her and the baby? It sounds he chose himself over accountability for his actions.
Just because he has a great career doesn't mean he is a good person. There are more narcs and sociopaths among successful men.
Personally, I knew a guy who was in a 5 year relationship, broke up with his gf to go study abroad. He was successful career wise. Claimed she was amazing and he loved her dearly, but could not afford to sponsor her to come with him, also her parents would not let her leave if they aren't married. He had a well paid job while studying and was not poor, I was living on my savings on 4x smaller budget. He clearly had enough money, but did not want to marry her and put in the effort to bring her with him. He claimed the girl was devastated and heartbroken by the breakup.
If he wanted to he would.
She must have been a high school girlfriend if they broke up in his early twenties, right? That would make a difference to me.
Personally, I’d make note of it, but I don’t think it’s an instant dealbreaker. I’ve seen lots of relationships that start in high school, stick in college due to proximity, and then end naturally when college ends and people find grad school/employment opportunities elsewhere in the world. My best friend’s college boyfriend expected her to follow him to wherever he got into grad school and live there for the next 5 years while he did his PhD, and I don’t blame her at all for choosing not to continue the relationship - even though they’d been together for 4 years. I side eye couples who stay together for 3+ years without getting married, but for me, that timer starts AFTER you graduate college.
But I would keep a very, very close eye on how he values and prioritizes you and your relationship vs. His career advancement and money. You don’t want to be facing the same situation as her seven years down the line.
When men say they want loyalty all I hear is they want you to be loyal to them. Also, who says it was a clean break?
The fact you are finding out from his friends means he could be giving you his version of the events to paint himself in a better light.
The other thing is where the abortion fits in the timeline of ending the relationship, if it is close to the time he ended things then I personally would not be happy. Abortions are rough to experience, I wouldn't trust someone who could have a 'clean break' from someone so soon after going through it. It doesn't say much about his emotional connection to someone he spent 7 years in a romantic and sexual relationship with, would make me wonder if he was emotionally connected with me.
So he used a girl for 7 years, got her pregnant, coerced her into an abortion, and ran overseas to try to find the girl of his dreams? You'd better be VERY careful with this guy. Women are merely appliances to be upgraded for him.
It's at least an orange flag. I'd be asking questions. Firstly was the breakup mutual, or was she willing to try a long-distance relationship but he wasn't and dumped her. Secondly were his reasons for wanting to further this career mainly selfish, or did he perhaps have family members relying on him or some other reason for needing to prioritize his career at the moment? Basically, will he do it again, this time to you?
I knew a guy just like that. Left his partner to study abroad while they were still dating. He didn’t have the courage to break it off until they were in separate countries and while they were still in a LDR due to him moving. Well, he caught feelings for another women, which I find completely wrong. The whole thing gives me the ick. He definitely ran away from his problems