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My friends, family, and strangers tell me that I have a calming presence, which allows them to open up in ways that they usually do not. I have had strangers at stores tell me about their struggles and I am the friend that everyone goes to when facing tough times.
So I noticed that when I go on first dates, men tend to share a lot with me. It even catches them by surprise at times.
I went on a date the other day with a 41-year-old man who has a child with an ex. I asked about the kid and he told me about the relationship he has with the mother. He said it was a bad relationship (lived together, never married) and that's why they broke up. He told me it was communication issues and so on. Nut he also admitted he never saw himself marrying her. So I asked if things are going better between them how they split 3 years ago. He said no, and told me about a most recent fight, and it sounded incredibly toxic and involved her calling him several times at work to yell at him where he ended up blocking her and that left her contacting his mom and sister repeatedly. Topic of the fight? Him trimming his sons hair minimally. It all sounds so stupid and of course, on a first date I am not interested in hearing about someone's toxic relationship with their child's mother. He also told me about how quickly the ex moved on, and how they now are barely on speaking terms, and just FaceTime one another when they have custody of the kids so they can each communicate with their son but do not speak directly.
Obviously, these are all red flags. I feel like a man should not talk about his ex, let alone the mother of his child. He blames her communication style but clearly he takes part in it. But at the same time, I am wondering how I navigate future situations where men share too much.
Do I just use it to my advantage and realize I'm able to weed out men quicker?
It's actually crazy how quickly men overshare with me because they're comfortable just blabbing about everything in their lives. Sometimes I do feel conflicted because I do realize they're just comfortable and telling me the truth, but they're also acting like a complete gentleman on the date. Like the guy that I mentioned above, really showed me a good time, planned a nice event, paid for everything, ensured I was comfortable, and kept asking if I needed anything. I also had an issue with getting to my car at the end of the date, and he waited with me very late at night to make sure that I was able to get into my and get home safely.
And for what it's worth, I'm not asking people to share their deepest darkest issues with me. I am a good listener and give people the space to share and talk as they need and I end up learning quite a lot about people.
I've learned from experience to be wary of people who tell sob stories to people they barely know. Best case scenario, these people lack social skills and don't understand that there's a time and a place for sharing sob stories. Worst case scenario, these people are trying to earn your trust so that they can later manipulate you. I've had nothing but negative experiences with people who overshare which is why I avoid them like the plague.
If he’s still so hung up on his ex that he can’t manage a one-hour conversation without bringing her up, he hasn’t moved on and isn’t ready to be dating again. Right now he’s not looking for a relationship; he’s looking for someone who will validate his feelings on why the relationship failed.
As far as navigating the situation in the future, you could try to change the subject if you really want to stay. However, if I had a first date like the one you described above, I would just politely excuse myself early. This goes for any “deep” issues he is bringing up. You can be empathetic to his struggles but at the same time acknowledge to yourself that your time is valuable as well and you agreed to a date, not a therapy session.
I'm also the "counselor girl" to these males. Use it to weed them out. So this guy moved in with a woman he'd never marry to use her whilst he looked for someone better, knocked her up, and then left. Of course, his ex is upset. He thought he'd trapped her with a baby and that no other men would want her. Always remember that males only tell their side of the story. They never admit to what they did to cause their ex girlfriend or wife to be "crazy," mean, volatile, or hateful. They act like women go nuts in a vacuum. Just be glad you only wasted one date on this loser. Tell them to work it out with their ex, and move on. Nobody needs to be Baby Mama #2.
You have the gift. Use it well. Be ruthless in vetting. If they open up to you and let shit like this out, next them. I don't care how nice he was to you, no man should be trashing the mother of his children the first date.
Honest question: how is being treated as some random guy's personal dumping ground a good time?
I ask as you said he showed you a good time. That does not sound like a good time to me.
I can get in a taxi, and by the end of the ride know the whole life story of the goddamn driver without uttering more than a word or two myself. Men like to dump their emotions on women.
There's nothing you can do about your personality - if men want to dump things on you, it's a great way to vet in a short period of time.
I always see randomly dumping trauma as a red flag, and if someone I barely know does this I ask if they have a therapist in their life. If they don't I wish them luck finding one and that usually shuts it down.
Same here.
People tell me I have a calming presence and almost always over share. It gets draining.
On the bright side, it makes an excellent vetting tool. Use it to weed out folks who treat you as an emotional container--not just in dating, but life in general.
I would say use it to your advantage 110%! I also cant help but think its a bit disrespectful for someone to be blabbing about their grievances so soon in dating... would he do that if he was sat opposite Megan Fox? Likely he'd have a bit more decorum.
"Do I just use it to my advantage and realize I'm able to weed out men quicker?"
Yes, you should. Be thankful you didn't have to pry these red flags out of him.
I feel like w men who do this, they are trying to get you to lower your boundaries because you feel so bad for them. Sympathy and pity have fucked more women over than anything else. Worse if you try to rationalize this info/trauma dump by saying oh he's so self aware, he's being so honest and open no. He's image creating so he looks good. Run.
Reading this post and the comments has me getting so many flashbacks to the Emotionally Slow podcast episode