I've (37F) been single for about two years. Discovered FDS about 6 months or so ago, and it has been life changing. I recently met a man that shook me, made me question FDS or at least put its application to the test. I'm having a hard time coping with this.
I met what I considered a HVM (40M) recently. Our similarities and interests closely mirror one another. He makes me laugh, seems genuine, has a successful career, lives alone in his own home. Travels. Takes care of himself. No kids, doesn't want any. Open to my religion (Wicca). We met for the first time in person and instantly hit it off. We had such a strong connection, I haven't had one like that since my ex and I broke up. No... This connection seemed stronger than the one I had with my ex. I honestly can't remember the last time I met someone quite like him.
He told me he is bisexual and has struggled with that throughout his life, but has recently accepted that's just who he is. This is not a problem for me. He said he's interested in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship which is in alignment with what I want as well. Something odd came up that made me question things, however. He told me that every once and a while, he has a strong "need" to be intimate with a man. They hook up, then he's satisfied and over it, until his next (what I call) craving. I assumed this was something that would be maintained in a relationship with me, and I told him we probably won't work if that was the case. I was unsure if this was something that he needed only when he was single, so I kept asking him questions about his sexuality. I felt that was pertinent when entering into a romantic relationship.
He then told me he felt very judged by me and didn't want to see me anymore. He said that sometimes bisexual people feel the need to be with same-sex partners and that's "just how it is". I feel so hurt and mislead. Everything was absolutely perfect until this point and I feel like I must have done something wrong or said the wrong thing. He didn't give me much of a chance to explain myself, and when I tried, he didn't seem to listen.
I make excuses all the time now: Maybe he didn't listen because he was hurt. Maybe I offended him without realizing it. Was I truly that insensitive? Should I ask for another chance?
Now I'm the one that's hurting. I want to reach out to him again and try to set things right, see if maybe we can work things out. My friends are telling me that he is gaslighting me, and that he's probably a repressed homosexual and lying to himself about having sexual interest in females, or that he is more male-leaning than he pretends to be. He's been consistent in saying that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with another man.
I wish things could be different. I don't know what else to do or who to turn to. My friends are wonderfully supportive. But I can't help but feel alone again. After such a long search, I find this man that I'm head over heels for. He felt the same. He told me he did. And then all of a sudden... This.
What went wrong?
EDIT: First of all, thank you so much for all of your comments and support. This community is fantastic and I wish I would have reached out sooner.
While I’m still disappointed things didn’t work out, I’m glad it happened now before I became too invested. I would have been devastated if he came to me in a few months and told me he wanted to hook up with another man. As much as I was hoping for more, in the long run he would not have been able to meet my needs. I decided a long time ago that I won’t compromise myself or my morals for the sake of a man. This was the reminder that I needed.
Thank you to this entire community. You have helped give me strength when I thought I had none. I deserve the best, and anything less is a waste of time.
He said that sometimes bisexual people feel the need to be with same-sex partners and that's "just how it is".
Sometimes I "feel the need" to punch a person who annoys me in the face or to eat a whole cake in one sitting. I still don't do it because I have something called basic impulse control. Sometimes my cat "feels the need" to pee on the carpet but he still goes to his litter box because he also has something called basic impulse control. Sometimes dogs "feel the need" to steal food from the table but they don't because they know they are not allowed to. I think you can also expect that from a man.
People get urges, fine. But he makes it sound like not acting on them is not even an option. He literally admits he has less self control than a cat or dog here and wants pity and permission to cheat for that.
That guy is not HV and would have cheated on you with men. 100%. Be glad he revealed himself so early before you became more emotionally invested. Good riddance.
EDIT: Just as a small addition: Ask yourself this: If he truly wanted a monogamous relationship with a woman for rest of his life, why even mention his bisexuality and past encounters with men to you? If that was something in his past he does not intend to continue, why bring it up so early in the dating process? There is literally no reason to do so. A HV man would consider this private information and would be rightfully afraid that "I sometimes I get the urge to sleep with men" will scare you off.