I've been erecting boundaries and holding back on people pleasing across all areas of my life. Thanks to FDS, I've made some meaningful progress and over the last week I've noticed a few data points that I thought might be worth sharing. My perspective can skew negative, so I've been making a point to celebrate the positive.
As always, please feel free to add yours below. No matter how small it may seem, if it's progress for you, it's worth celebrating.
- A friend of a friend asked me to play a sport on Sunday evening, then asked if I had a piece of equipment. This guy was coming to meet me in my neighbourhood so naturally my instinct to be helpful (make it eQuAl) and offer to grab the equipment kicked in. Instead, I reminded myself that he asked me and if he wanted to he would. I did nothing except text back that I didn't have it. He went and got it, then we played. What a treat to not worry about a damn thing, and not feel guilty about it.
- Someone I'm trying to politely drop wanted to video chat over the weekend. I really didn't want to, but felt obligated since we haven't spoken since last year. She's gotten increasingly self-centred and I just don't want to continue dealing with her. I've been actively slow fading. Well, I logged in at the scheduled time (a few minutes early, actually) and she wasn't even there. Instead of waiting around growing resentful or pinging to remind her, I thanked the universe for the gift and dropped the call. I pinged her I was on and she wasn't. Minutes later she came back to me with excuses about forgetting the time zone (yet she never had this issue when she lived across the world) and asked if I still wanted to chat. Normally, guilt and people pleasing would have kicked in hard, but I fought down the light flair up and felt relieved. 20 min later I replied that I was gonna work out and wished her a good evening. It felt great not to worry about making someone upset and preserving my energy for myself. I've given enough to her (oh, did I mention I secured her entry into an expensive Ivy League MBA program with a monster scholarship? Well I did)
- I said no to a work project that didn't pay enough. A colleague was pushing me to take it but I knew it wasn't right. It was too much work and not enough pay. I would have essentially been working for free and driving up a mountain to do so. I politely turned her down and felt great. Wasting my time and energy on someone who has never giving me business and is trying to pay as little as possible isn't what I need anymore. My colleague thought the ladies attending the event might have rich husbands who might want to work with me. Ummm not a good enough excuse to go work for free.
- Not one for confrontation, I politely knocked on my new neighbour's door regarding sound. Instead of silently seething or banging the wall back, I realized a HVW would go over and just nicely ask. So instead of freaking out, I got myself into a better headspace and practiced how I would ask. I spoke with the cleaner and she was lovely and very apologetic. Problem solved!
- At my neighbour's the other day, I didn't want to confront her bff's brother about being homophobic about monkeypox, but I did it. I did it gently and held firm, and I'm proud of myself for speaking up. I don't like confrontation, but this was necessary. It felt great to speak up and not feel shitty for wishing I had said something in the moment. Also, after I spoke up, others jumped in to support me.
- I didn't attend a stupidly early meeting. I had talked with the client about it, she knew, yet still asked where I was. My core collaboration hours are listed in my chat (available to everyone) and this client can't even get my name right. They were supposed to record the meeting for me, but didn't. Normally I would have of course gone to the early meeting to prove I'm a team player and that I am dedicated. Now? Fuck you, are you blind? I'm not getting them used to scheduling meetings anytime they want and knowing I'll show up. I didn't even feel guilty, which I normally would. Oh nooo, someone is upset at me!
These incident are small, I know, but they're huge signs of growth for me. These are small moments were I would have people pleased and felt guilty for things I didn't need to. Thanks to FDS, I have so much confidence in my intuition and knowing what's best for me.
Please add your examples below, we're excited to celebrate with you!