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I know many of you don't approve of OLD, but I do not seem to have in person luck. Men do not approach. You would think living in a big city would mean scores of options, but really men are delusional and think *they* have tons of options, so they wait to be approached (it doesn't make sense, how can both that and a male "celibacy crisis" be true? Anyway, I digress). And I will make eyes at men to signal interest but I won't approach them. It makes them lazy. They need to have the work built in for them whereby they approached the woman, for them to value the connection.
This all being said about male city mentality, I have decided to only use the app for distance matches. For 3 reasons- 1) Men in the suburbs are more surrounded by married people living traditional lives, and must be feeling the social pressure of this because as much as they pretend not to, they deeply care about fitting in and being on par with what other men are doing. 2) Being in the city, I can show them more excitement than they can get out there, and they don't have to experience the pressures of living here, only the fun parts...
And 3) a user here posted a comment I can't get out of my head..."every single thing they get must be earned or they will trash it". To this end, I have been saying I am open to "distance dating", but they must come to the city every time if they want to see me, for at least the first few months as I don't have a car and public transit is twice the time. This forces an investment (men care more about what they invest in) on their part that city men, who can just hop on a subway for a half hour (and can reasonably expect me to do the same), don't have to make.
Of course I will make sure he has pleasant and beautiful company and more excitement than back home, but will still be sure he pays for the dates and there shall be no expectations of sleepovers (or even knowing where I live until we are exclusive). I do have a cut and paste that lists my basic attributes and also dangles the carrot that maybe I would relocate if my man had serious intentions. I don't know if I actually would (it would have to be a sweet deal), but all this may inspire him to not fuck around given the time and expense of these trips to see me where he's not getting laid, when there is potentially the promise of "winning" me enough later to uproot my life.
I already have 2 long distance prospects up for the challenge that a local man would never take. We are going to quality restaurants. I will not be extending these to marathon dates but I will make the time we have very enjoyable for them so they leave wanting more. If anyone has helpful (as in, you're open to dating men) feedback around this strategy of OLD with long distance men only, to "build in" work for them, to do, I am open to it.
So yeah, I did meet my current partner online, and I agree about distance raising the bar for how interested and invested they have to be in you to actually make plans, which can be useful. Seeing him react to not being allowed to sleep over is also useful.
I also similarly found "city culture" bad for dating. I live in a smaller town now (I moved to him as he is extremely established/tied to where he lives and I work remotely and am much more mobile, and I like the country better anyway) and guys do approach in person a lot more because the entire culture is more personable and less anonymous.
That being said, I wouldn't dangle the carrot of moving if it's a "5% chance thing" rather than a "genuinely open to it" thing - because that seems like something that'll lead to mismatched expectations down the line.
Either have a mindset of "they'll eventually move to me and that's it", or only date people who from the get-go live somewhere you could really be excited about moving.
I'd also caution trying to create an "only the good parts" city experience. That's setting both of you up for a rude awakening if the distance is ever resolved. He'll need to see what your real life is like, and you'll need to see his, because whoever moves needs to know what they're signing up for.
Also yes, if you are genuinely open to moving he should appreciate that and "win" it. But like other expectations, I think that's one to observe how he does of his own initiative rather than lay it out. Just like telling them "I'll have sex when I'm your girlfriend" will not result in you knowing how he really feels, it'll just result in him calling you his girlfriend to get sex.
Lol im in the same boat. None of these guys I meet on apps have been very high quality, however, I've met the same dudes irl randomly that I've seen on apps. And guys I've dated from meeting irl have the tinder icon on their phones so I know theyre online dating even if I didnt meet them that way.
I don't want to lower my expectations, but I'll literally have no relationships w males if I keep my standards 😂 i want a guy thats physically healthy, makes good money (im at six figs now so preferably they should make more), is funny, intelligent, etc. But, I feel like this is suchhhhh a small faction of the population and Im a social person / we're a social species.
I like ur strategy and I live in the city too but Id never want to give that up to live in some remote location. Its generally more expensive to live in the city so I just see all these suburb dudes as being cheap / scarcity mindset based fr. But, if you really don't care and you'll probably not end up with any of these dudes long term anyway then why not dangle the carrot. Do you even ever want to cohabitate in a house / marry / share finances? I sure as hell don't after seeing all the risks and the fact theres a higher percentage chance ill get financially / emotionally wrecked thru the process
For comparison two of those men commuted further distance every day for work. But they wouldn't commute for a date and sex 😂 Really puts that into perspective
At one point while online dating I opened up my distance to include suburbs. Men would come out for the first date, but then would expect you to commute to their neighborhood. Thanks but no thanks.
I hope you have a better quality of men in your location.
I like your list. I don't have any to add but I can def vouch for your first reason - not only because other men are doing it, but because they don't have as many people to hangout with because all their friends are married/starting a family.