(Also, international standards in dating?)
His initial offer is what he means…if you are thinking that you have an easy exit, then he is probably thinking the same thing but for different reasons. You want an easy exit for your safety and to prevent awkwardness or wasting each other’s time. He wants an easy exit because:
He doesn’t want to get caught cheating. “Coffee/drinks” are easy to explain away to a suspecting partner.
He wants sex/something casual and why spend money on dinner if he can figure this out for $3-8.
He doesn’t want to “waste” money on dinner if he isn’t attracted to you. Again, transactional LV thinking.
He can’t actually afford to date but can pull you into an intermittent reinforcement cycle.
Anecdotal “evidence”:
So I am traveling in Central Europe. An insta follower who occasionally writes to me about music suggested we have coffee and that he would teach me some of the language. The suggestion of coffee is usually immediate block and delete…BUT maybe it’s different here?
I said, “no, but I’ll meet you at the record shop and you can teach me about local music” and I planned to exit after 30-60 minutes. This is actually of interest and benefits me vs paying a tutor or guide. I made this convenient for me. Also, easy exit.
I wasn’t at all surprised when he cancelled 2 hours before with a generic “I’m sorry I have to cancel but something came up.” I blocked because:
1. In my entire life, at 40 years old when men have done this, nothing serious really came up. He either has a girlfriend and is afraid of getting caught or realized that the chance of getting sex was close to zero.
2. If something did come up- like work- he is not in a place in his life to be starting a relationship. Notice that men who do this will use “too busy” or “something came up” to get out of everything.
3. If something really bad happened, like a family accident or death, again he has disqualified himself because he is not in a place to be available for a relationship. Do NOT become a man’s therapist or nurse. Eg, in the olden days when I tried OLD a man who invited me for a drinks date told me that he wasn’t in a space to begin a relationship because his mom had recently passed. I didn’t say it aloud but alarm bells went off in my head and I thought “so he is just looking for free grief therapy and a warm body”. I never went on a date with him and he followed me on Instagram. About a year later he sent me a sexually suggestive message so I just blocked.
I wasn’t disappointed today. I am just amused at how accurate FDS is and how reliable patterns are once you have the knowledge of what to look for…
Btw- other men of the same culture (from insta!) have asked me to dinner. Dinner, internationally means that he has the money and is willing to spend it. (Doesn’t mean a relationship.). Again, if you want to avoid cheaters, avoid coffee/drinks which are easily explained to suspecting wives as “just friends”.
Moving forward, I will never again make an exception cause “culture”.🤷🏽♀️ These standards are international.
Men are supposed to protect and provide. All males in the animal kingdom understand this except human males. Human males are always trying to scam women out of time, money, pussy, and emotional energy. If a man doesn't want to impress you, there's your sign. We can call it whatever we want to, but it's simply the sign of a male who doesn't deserve to have his genes passed down. Too many weak men have been allowed to breed, and the result is even weaker men. Let's stop this madness that will actually lead to the death of the species. Only strong, protective, provider males deserve to breed. Period. Don't be part of the problem by perpetuating weakness.
Something came up means something better (in his opinion) came up. My most recent ex said there was a family emergency and left work when my car broke down a few months into dating because he didn’t want me to have to walk then get a bus after it was towed. I don’t think we were even official at that point. It was winter and he wanted me to be safe and comfortable. So when a man cancels, I take it for what it is. I’m not a priority. And that’s fine, it’s really ok. I’m not it for him. But I’m also not interested in anything further.
I had Dutch men pay for my meal before and we weren't even dating
I actually got asked out on a drink date earlier today. At first, I didn't respond (I already knew I would not accepted such a low effort offer). Later, I decided to outright block and delete his number.
He didn't meet my height requirements anyways. I could have cut him off weeks ago! Good thing I didn't waste more than a few small and sporadic texts messages on him!
Everytime I'm getting better at being ruthless and sticking to my standards!
Thank you for this post!
Thank you for this! These standards are international yes 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻