Always snoop his phone

If I feel the need to check someone's phone, I'm not getting the desired ROI for the relationship. Don't even bother next time. If you get that intuition, just honor it, because an intuition is a subconscious observation that something isn't right. If it costs your peace, it's too much. Never pay a man's way. They won't appreciate you, they'll think you're beneath them. This is how they operate, unfortunately. They aren't like us. They're trophy hunters. They think we play games? We're just responding to their own games. And we're finally starting to beat them at it.

There are some people commenting and saying “the moment I feel like I need to snoop in his phone, is the moment I’m no longer interested” and I think this may be causing many people to miss the importance of this post. While I agree, it is absolutely true if you have a gut feeling that you need to look in his phone, then something is VERY off and that is your cue to take your exit. Trust your instincts! Whether he is acting shady, hiding his phone, flipping it over where you can’t see it, or taking it into the bathroom excessively, etc. These are all clues that something IS going on.

However, it’s important to know that this is NOT the only way deceit presents itself. Many men are master manipulators and may actually show NONE of the signs above. Some of them know the red flags we look for and they PURPOSEFULLY try to appear to be “open” and that they “have nothing to hide”. Do NOT. I repeat, do not fall for this!! Snoop anyways! Snoop the second you get the chance. This is the time you will uncover the only fans content he has subscribed to, the girls in his Instagram DMs (for which he has turned off his notifications), and his browsing history full of pornographic content. NEVER assume that a man is being honest. You need to verify yourself. In addition to this, it’s also important to see what kind of conversations he holds with other people, especially the ones about you. How does he speak about you when texting his friends? If other women message him, how does he respond? Does he mention you, or does he leave that door open for possible consideration?

Trust me, as this is coming from someone who dated the most “open” guy for over a year and who made he feel as though I “never felt the need” to check in on him. If I would have, it would have saved me a lot of heartbreak, as I am quite sure I would have found out about his affair much sooner.

Again, I’m not saying to ignore your instincts. I’m simply saying that some women, especially those new to FDS, may not have these instincts, or they may not be fully aware of all the red flags to look for. Don’t wait. Do what you have to do to learn the truth sooner, rather than later.

I always say, if you are sharing your body (which is your health also) with a man... He better be sharing his damn phone with you. If not, you are putting way too much at risk and its not worth it.

I'm pro-snooping everything, even when the relationship is good 💅🏾 don't do it every week, but I think a once a quarter check is good. I don't like being sneaky, but you have to in this case. Telling him you want to go through his phone together, just tells him that he's going to have to be sneakier in the future.

Snooping is just good sense. Men can hide their depravity so easily, and for so long. Keeping tabs is the smart thing to do if you're keeping a man around for a longer period of time and deeper relationship than casual dating. I will always snoop in my relationships, even when the relationship is going well, and even if I don't suspect anything. And just because I'm snooping doesn't mean I'm tied up in knots about it. It's just part of my regular relationship maintenance, much like ensuring a good and regular sexual connection with my partner is. Snooping is a great tool to have in the self-preservation toolbox, and ensures I will always get to make an informed choice, because I will be able to gain access to the information I am owed.

That said, I also trust my instincts when they start ringing. I don't question them. The moment I'm suspicious of him, I'm out, and I won't even bother digging at that point. But instincts are only as good as the information and behaviour he chooses to reveal to you--things that can be picked up by the subconscious. I'm not a psychic, after all. So snooping helps fill the information gap.

Trust, but verify. We had some posters on the subreddit who never felt the need to snoop, completely trusted the guy, and boom, he was cheating with prostitutes. You've always gotta snoop ladies. [and might I add, the guy was fine with them using his phone for brief periods in his presence...the rot was only uncovered via a DEEP DIVE behind his back.]

(I really hope those FDS posters are ok and thriving without their ex LVMs)

Nah, if I feel like I have to snoop his phone then I'm not interested anymore. The second I think he's acting shady or untrustworthy, he's gone. Let him have his pathetic pornsick life; it's not worth a second of stress or concern on my part.

And I'm sure you know this now but never, ever, ever pay for a man. Not even once, not ever. Maybe a round of drinks or a cute souvenir or something if you're on a longish trip together, but nothing substantial or recurring and definitely not anything as serious as a cell phone! You aren't his mommy, you aren't his roommate, you aren't his drinking buddy or colleague or brother, and you don't go halfsies or, heaven forfend, actually BUY him something aside from a (small, tasteful) gift for holidays/birthdays/congratulations occasions. He pays or it doesn't get bought, the end.

A green flag from the man I'm currently seeing for the last few months: after a couple months together, he said, "You know my password (to his phone), right? Just in case something happens to me, I want to make sure you know it (we were both down with the sicky sicky flu). I'm still vetting, always, and he hasn't always excelled but his transparency with his digital devices and his social media is refreshing and he has no problem with me grabbing his phone to Google something or even look at his chats with his friends (they are tame and funny). Even if this relationship doesn't work out, it is my new baseline expectation.

After snooping the phone of someone I dated, this LVM called the cops on me and tried to get me arrested. This was while he was gone and left his phone and laptop. And yes indeed I did find him on dating apps, but he decided it wasn’t enough to hurt me in that sense. He had to call the cops on me too. I didn’t get arrested but they said I couldn’t touch his things. So dumb. I hate these men. Even though he was the one who abused me, hit me and cheated. The cops always believed him.

Before I left Reddit, I saw post after post after post from women discovering their husbands had a porn addiction / was cheating / had hidden children/ had child porn / had a drug addiction / gambling addiction / talking badly about her to his friends etc. A lot of these women only discovered it via a fluke or by succumbing to a hunch and apologetically going through his devices. A lot of these women were in several years of marriage and never saw it coming. Sometimes the signs are obvious and these women were pulling the wool over their own eyes (like I did in my last relationship), but sometimes it really wasn’t. Men are getting really creative with how they hide their wrongdoings. One man had several side pieces listed in his phone under male names. One guy had been filming his 14 year old niece and saving the videos on his 5yo’s iPad. Another was a college professor who pretended the college gave him a work phone (which he was using to meet students and which wouldn’t show on the shared phone bill). There was a man who had every nude he ever received and every sex tape he ever made uploaded to a private website. There was a man who spent every other week with a second family and had 3 kids with both and was somehow sustaining them on one salary. Vetting minimises but doesn’t eliminate the risk of every eventuality. Banks and employers require more information than women are “allowed” yet we take the greatest risks in relationships and suffer the worst if we choose wrong. Obviously if you’re so paranoid you’re going through his phone weekly then that’s not good for your mental health and you shouldn’t be in that relationship. But if you’ve been dating a while and he’s met your family and he gets along with your friends, you’re probably not going to dump him solely on a bad hunch. Check for your own sanity.

Me too girl. Me too!

I don't think snooping should be standard. If you feel the need to snoop, there's something wrong and clearly a lack of trust. Often though it is your gut telling you something. As easy as it is to say to walk away at that point, sometimes you need to verify for piece of mind. As I was on my way out of my relationship I felt strongly that I needed to snoop his phone and it confirmed everything I felt - that he was cheating on me and talking bad about me behind my back - even though he was lovebombing me at the time.

I wouldn’t be with someone if I felt like I had to look through his phone. But if I absolutely needed to know what was on it, I would confront him and go through it together. Personally I just don’t feel good about sneaking around. But go with your gut; if something feels off, it probably is! Men can be excellent liars and you should never take anything at face value.