If you have been sexually assaulted before and you might be triggered, please don’t engage in the post. I don’t want to hurt or trigger anyone and I’m genuinely sorry.
So I’m a 27 year old woman now , I’m doing fairly well, but I’ve always found myself in shitty relationships. In the process of exploring that I started checking out childhood trauma.
I don’t remember my childhood but this one particular memory came up vividly.
When I was a kid, I was exposed to explicit and sexual TV content, no one really stopped me from watching them.
I was surrounded by all adults and wasn’t really checked on based on what I watched and all.
I became more curious about the things I saw on TV and started watching porn at a very young age.
I didn’t have sex ed so I wanted to know what was I saw on TV and how it felt.
I had a cousin that I took care of, he was 1-2 years, I was about 10-12 years.
One day I tried to put his penis in me, his penis was under developed so it didn’t enter or penetrate.
I didn’t even know what I was doing so I tried for like 20 seconds and I just stopped.
I knew this was wrong but I also didn’t think anything of it at that time.
As a grown up, I have been trying to unpack a lot of childhood trauma like I mentioned earlier and this memory came up.
I’ve felt very terrible ever since this memory came up.
I know I’m a terrible person and I don’t deserve anything good.
My cousin is now 14 and I’m one his favourite aunts but I can’t even look at him or spend time with him without feeling like an asshole.
I’m also currently doing my Masters in Feminist studies and I feel like a fraud and I wanted to quit. What are the odds that I end up in this field.
I’m not saying all this to get pity but I am genuinely confused.
I can’t believe I even did such. I try to stand up to a defend women who have been in this situation to other people, but now I feel like it doesn't matter. I'm just like those people that I critisize.
I have been feeling like a shadow of myself.
I don’t know how to move forward, I know I don’t deserve anything good or deserve to move on like nothing happened.
Should I open up to my family?
I also feel like if I do open up to my family, they will disown me and cut me out of the family forever even though I pretty much deserve that but I am also scared pf telling them.
Should I maybe report myself somewhere?
I’m just very confused and I don’t know what to do.
I would appreciate any advice give.
You are free to put me down , I know I deserve it. I'm also not a troll, this is for real and I've been battling with this for months now.
I've also been following FDS since reddit, I never really created an account for the website so my account is new.
It was the posts about healing and levelling up that lead me into going back to childhood trauma and here I am.
I'm not sure where I can openly discuss this, I've been holding on to this memory since a couple of months back when it came up. I haven't been able to share it or talk about it, I feel a lot of shame and hurt wanting to talk about it.
I'm also not sure if this type of post is allowed here, I am happy to delete it if it's inappropriate for this forum.