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Here on FDS, we keep on warning women from being builders and/or keeping up with shit because "He's busy"/"He's had a rough day"/"He is sick"/"He is in trouble".. etc etc.
The thing is, normal life hardships are not excuses to be a LVM or act in a LV manner.
No human is perfect/has a perfect life, no human is not struggling, no human has the guarantee of reaching the end of the day with zero losses, zero problems or even alive.
ALL MEN get into trouble. They get sick, they get busy, they have rough days, they lose loved ones, they get robbed or attacked, they face financial and family hardships, they experience trauma and childhood trauma, they make mistakes. ALL MEN have times when they are vulnerable, weak, sad, even angry. That is human nature and it's silly to expect otherwise.
However, what we, as women, have to expect from our men is to be responsible enough not to get themselves into trouble, and most importantly, react in a mature manner to their troubles.
Dating men who get themselves into trouble (i.e. financially irresponsible/broke, purposely attract negative attention from people with the potential of harm, do not enforce boundaries, do not take care of their health, do not abide by the law, do not seek therapy for trauma..etc.) is a recipe for disaster if you want your life to be one.. Do I even need to say that?
In addition, being a decent person has nothing to do with living in a toxic, dangerous world. A HVM knows that hardships are NOT excuses to treat someone, especially the ones he loves in a bad way, or worse, be abusive to them.
He wants to have some space to figure things out? He does not like to talk when he's exhausted? He is too tired to do a certain task today? He needs to rest? He needs some sort of support? That is totally fine and acceptable.
But showing red flags such as being abusive, disrespectful and/or neglectful to you or your kids? Ignoring his relationship responsibilities or general responsibilities? Throwing tantrums and expressing his emotions in an unhealthy way? Have never stood by your side when you got into trouble? Always complaining and blaming everyone but himself? Not seeking to make the situation any better by himself AND THEN ask you to be by his side? Is not working on his traumas? NOPE.
I once read a story about two brothers who were raised by an abusive father. One turned out to be a gentle human, he helps others and is very kind. The other has become abusive, just like his dad. When each one of them was asked "Why are you like that?" They both gave the same answer, "Why wouldn't I be like that, when I was treated badly by my father?"
THAT IS, MY LADIES, THE DIFFERERCE BETWEEN HIGH VALUE MEN AND LOW VALUE MEN.
You do not even have to be concerned about the reasons behind his behavior. Whether it's his environment, upbringing, or even his genes.
Actually, the biggest test of the value of a man is his life struggles. Did he cause them by being irresponsible? Did the obstacles reveal his potential of wisdom, rationality, kindness, maturity, consistency and self-control, or his potential of abuse, neglect, childishness, irrationality and poor management skills?
Women do not realize that, most of the time, life "vets" these men and gives you the immediate results. They always turn a blind eye to that, which is frustrating. Men who were bad at their worst will not be any better when they are at their best, because their inner values and ways did not change, it's just the outside that changed. And I do realize the effect of the surroundings on people, especially disadvantaged people, but girl, good people are good people no matter where, when and how.
Women are often not excused at all when they experience normal feelings such as rage and hatred. Women are always blamed for their circumstances and are given zero excuses no matter what. But holding men accountable is obviously miSanDrY!
There is no excuse for not being kind, responsible, respectful and rational all the time. This is the bare minimum.
You may not be able to predict what this man is going or will go through, but you definitely should be sure that no matter what happens, he deals with it in the right way.
“You do not even need to be concerned about the reasons behind his behavior.” Exactly. It’s too easy to go down a rabbit hole of excuse-making for his weird behaviors. If he wanted to, he would. Actions > words. His behavior is either acceptable to you, or not.
Yep. This. It has been WAY too normalized to make other people suffer because of your own problems. It took me so many years to get to a place where I genuinely don't accept the "I was tired/stressed/drunk/etc" excuse anymore. Or worse the tit-for-that of "you provoked me/if you hadn't done X, I wouldn't have done Y". People who do this are toxic at best and abusive at worst. It's fine to be angry, sad or irritable sometimes. But in a decent person, this doesn't translate to disrespect. If someone who respects you gets a little snappy or impatient with you, they will own up to it and apologize. My ex would think it was his God-given right to use me as his emotional punching bag when he didn't feel good, and thought it was my responsibility to handle his moods. He did have a lot of outside stressors in his life so there was always plausible deniability, but I always felt his problems were no justification for treating me how he did.
nice post! Bravo! Thank you queen
I hadn't thought about using life experiences as a vetting tool before but it's such a good idea! When I think of my worst points, sometimes I didn't act as well as I could have done (especially when I was younger) but I've always tried to learn from that and keep doing better. None of it was on any level comparable to some of the horror stories I've heard about men though. For instance, I've never blamed anyone else for something that was clearly my fault. Reading this post really opened my eyes to how important it is to expect the same introspective and consistently good behaviour from men, no matter what troubles they're going through. I think it's a matter of respect too. If you respect someone, you're not going to suddenly insult or abuse them because of some outside factor. I don't see these men screaming in their bosses' faces at work because their pet gerbil just died. They abuse women because they want to and because they can.
To any women prone to making excuses for their men’s shitty behaviour, I recommend reading “Man’s search for meaning” by Victor E. Frankl. It’s only a small book, but it is the best example how any external, even the most horrific circumstances will not change one’s character. If that happens, there was no character in the first place.
The book is about the author‘s time in a concentration camp. It’s not about the horrors that took place there, but only about what was going through his mind, while being subjected to them. And that one of the main driving survival forces for Frankl was his hope to see his young wife again, which he sadly didn’t. That book is amazing in so many ways.