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Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
I just watched a webinar for work about difficult personalities and it made me think of this subreddit and the LV people that used to be in my life before FDS.
I wanted to describe personality disorders in relationships so that you can spot personality disorder types or traits in LV people in our life and know who/what you are dealing with. I believe that by finding out why they act the way they do can help you not letting them have as much power over you.
The goal of this thread is NOT to sympathize with them, excuse their awful behaviors or keep them in your life because “they might have a disorder”. You should absolutely protect yourself from toxic people in your life by avoiding relationships with them if possible.
I hope that the descriptions will be helpful or maybe even have a healing effect on you (just as some did for me).
FYI, there is usually a comorbidity in personality disorders, so a person can have clusters of different personality disorder traits (e.g. antisocial and narcissistic, avoidant and dependent).
Thank you FDS for having such a life changing influence on my life!
Paranoid personality disorder
Attitudes, desires, fears and beliefs
They don’t trust their partners, so they will suspect them constantly.
They don’t believe you if you tell them you love them. The nicer and more loving, the worse his paranoia about you will get. You are hiding something.
They are guarded and can’t really feel love because they don’t really believe people can truly be in love with them with no hidden motives. They can’t freely love someone because of that lack of trust.
If you are not with him, you are against him. Things are black and white, not grey.
They will badly interpret situations. They think correlation = causation.
They can get extremely jealous.
Behavior
They act secretive, withdrawn in their relationships.
They adopt controlling behavior. They will ask where you were, with whom… They will sometimes insist on proof of your whereabouts.
Examples of TV/movie characters with paranoid personality disorder tendencies
Mel Gibson’s character in Conspiracy Theory.
Antisocial personality disorder
Attitudes, desires, fears and beliefs
To them, life is about choosing to be a prey or a predator. And he’s choosing to be a predator.
They are focused on satisfying their own desires. They don’t care about anyone else.
They think that rules are meant to be broken and boundaries are meant to be crossed. They are not obstacles on their decision-making. if they want something, they will take it. If they want to do something, they will do it.
They don’t feel empathy or guilt.
Behavior
They can behave very lovingly and affectionate at the beginning of a relationship to get what they want.
They can be charismatic, charming, and flattering to get what they want.
They will lie, manipulate, abuse their partner physically, mentally, sexually.
They enjoy making the other person feel bad, ruining their self-esteem, demeaning them and alienating their family and friends. And they don’t feel bad about it.
They will sniff out vulnerability and use it against them, to control them, to get what they want from them.
Examples of TV/movie characters with antisocial personality disorder tendencies
The Joker, Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange), Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs.
Narcissistic personality disorder
Attitudes, desires, fears and beliefs
They have an inflated sense of importance.
They are obsessed with image: status, beauty, ideal love, success, power.
They are obsessed with getting people’s attention and admiration.
They have extremely low self-esteem and their ego is fragile.
They have a lack of empathy for others because they are focused on themselves. Others are there to make them look good.
They are always right about everything.
They have the Audacity. Is there something they want? They will take it because they feel they deserve it.
They hate getting older because they don’t get to shine as much.
They often feel to have been the victim of a great injustice when they were young. They often have lived in the shadow of a family member or have been told that they weren’t good enough. They become obsessed in proving people that they are better than that family member, the best.
Behavior
They will try to associate with special, high status (e.g. celebrities) or prestigious institutions (“I went to Harvard!”).
They are often talented in one or different fields because of their obsession to show people how great they are.
They also feed off people who are highly empathic, because they will praise them and make them feel powerful and inflate their ego.
They fish for compliments.
They never apologize, or compromise. “My way or the highway!”
They often try to seduce younger women because to them youth symbolizes ideal beauty.
To raise themselves up, they will put others down. “That doctor is good, BUT…”
Like other personality disorder types, they will love bomb you at first. They will be Prince Charming (superficial charm). They tell you everything you want to hear. They will say they love you fast. However, they will turn on their partner once they do something disappointing to them.
They don’t really listen to you when you speak to them. They mostly hog the conversation talking about themselves. In a date, they won’t ask you follow up questions. They tend to make everything about them.
They don’t have long term or deep relationships.
They pick on you and your insecurities. The longer the relationship lasts, the meaner they get. They use info they have gathered from you to become better at hurting you. They want to lower your self-esteem so that they can increase their own, because it makes them feel more powerful.
They are the masters of gaslighting. Remember the Narcissist’s prayer…
That didn't happen. (denial of the facts)
And if it did, it wasn't that bad. (denial of the norm violation)
And if it was, that's not a big deal. (denial of injury)
And if it is, that's not my fault. (denial of responsibility)
And if it was, I didn't mean it. (denial of intentions)
And if I did...
You deserved it. (denial of the victim)
They are the type of people you don’t want to trap in a corner by confronting them and posing a threat to their status/image (the way they see themselves and the way people see them). They can become very dangerous.
If you back away, they can panic and try everything to convince you to stay, tell you everything you want to hear. But they will never change. They might love bomb again you while looking for other prospects to then dump you and preserve their ego.
They can become violent and seek revenge after a breakup or divorce not initiated by them. How dare you leave me! If I can’t be with you, no one can!
They often don’t want to define the relationship or commit, using you as a FWB or asking you to enter a polyamorous relationship. They want the “good” stuff from a relationship without having to commit. There may be someone better than you out there!
They will often flirt and look at other women in front of you to lower your self esteem.
They can also refuse to have sex with you for a long period of time while they keep on watching porn and masturbating every day in your presence.
Examples of TV/movie characters with narcissistic personality disorder tendencies
The original male character in 1940’s Gaslight, Walter White in Breaking Bad, Nicole Kidman’s character in To Die For, Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, Humbert Humbert in Lolita, Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia, Daniel Day Lewis’s character in There Will Be Blood.
Histrionic personality disorder
Attitudes, desires, fears and beliefs
They feel their worth is measured by how much attention they get. They get uncomfortable when they aren’t the center of attention.
Behavior
They constantly seek attention from others and often are overdramatic to get it.
To get that attention or to control their partner, they often act in provocative ways.
Sometimes they act like a dependent victim in the relationship, sometimes they can start acting highly seductive and controlling.
They have trouble maintaining friendships with people of the same sex because they act competitively towards them for the attention of the opposite sex.
Their speech is vague and dramatic. They display exaggerated emotions.
They also think their relationships are deeper than they really are.
Their behavior can also be shallow and self-involved. They take care of their appearance to gain attention.
They can be easily influenced by others and are often gullible.
They are prone to substance abuse and risky sexual behaviors.
Examples of TV/movie characters with histrionic personality disorder tendencies
Derek Zoolander in Zoolander, Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, Regina George in Mean Girls, Michael Scott in The Office, Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire.
Borderline personality disorder
Attitudes, desires, fears and beliefs
They feel empty and often trying to find themselves.
They will idealize their new partner, will see them as perfect. After a while, will perceive them as if they are worthless.
They may have intense episodes of anger, anxiety, and depression.
They have a high fear of abandonment and rejection.
Behavior
They are an emotional rollercoaster, unstable.
They can be exceptionally affectionate and caring. However, within a few hours, their emotional state may switch. Hot and cold.
They are impulsive people and they sometimes engage in some high-risk activities.
They are prone to self-injury, accidents, fights, suicide.
They are often involved in conflicts with people.
They make people feel like they are walking on eggshells constantly.
They are hyper focused on signs that a romantic partner isn’t happy or may leave them. If they perceive a withdrawal, they will also immediately withdraw. Can break up for fear their partner might do it first.
They self-regulate their negative emotions with drugs and alcohol.
Examples of characters with borderline personality disorder tendencies
Lots of unstable female characters (Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest, Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction, Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character in Single White Female, Clementine Kruczynski in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Tiffany Maxwell in Silver Linings Playbook.
Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode II and III
Wreck-it Ralph
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder
Attitudes, desires, fears and beliefs
They are extreme perfectionists. That perfectionism extends to their partner and their relationship with them, so they become controlling and look for problems/flaws when they aren’t any.
They can act cold to people and lack empathy, because they favor rationality over emotions. “It’s just the way it is…”
They also see things in black and white. It’s either good or bad. The right thing to do or the wrong thing to do. No nuances.
The way they see life is the right way and they will not change their mind.
Behavior
They can be workaholics and therefore neglectful.
They can be extremely cheap dates (will split costs exactly 50/50 or will ask you to pay exactly for what you had, to the cent).
They don’t see the forest, they only see the trees (actually, they only see the leaves or the veins in the leaves).
“You HAVE TO do X…” is their self-talk, but is also something they can say to their partner.
Examples of movie/TV characters with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder tendencies
Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory, Dr. Niles Crane in Frasier, Howard Hughes in The Aviator (both OCD and OCPD).
Avoidant personality disorder
Attitudes, desires, fears and beliefs
They fear judgment, they are deeply afraid of being humiliated, that people find out that they are mediocre people, worthless people.
They see signs of rejection in everything their partner does, say or don’t do or say.
They don’t feel much empathy because of their overwhelming self-pity tendencies.
They feel like outsiders, they are having trouble connecting with people.
They are prone to depression, bipolar and anxiety, especially social anxiety. They can also have dependent personality traits when they become overly reliant upon a few chosen people.
Behavior
Any criticism will make them isolate themselves further.
They don’t accomplish much in life because they fear failure.
They won’t get involved with people unless they are certain they’ll be liked.
When in relationships, they won’t open up for fear of being rejected. Which makes their partner feel rejected as a result. They will avoid intimacy (unless they are certain of being liked) because it is an expression of vulnerability and it scares them.
They often engage in addictive behavior in the form of sex, pornography, gambling or substance addictions to escape emotional conflict or complexity altogether.
Examples of TV/movie characters with avoidant personality disorder tendencies
Amelie in Amelie, Nicholas Cage’s Charlie in Adaptation, Jerry Lundegaard (William H. Macy) in Fargo.
Dependent personality disorder
Attitudes, desires, fears and beliefs
They have low self-esteem and low self confidence in their abilities. They feel they can’t take care of themselves and will not try to do so.
They are deeply scared of being abandoned or left alone.
Behavior
They are clingy and needy.
They are doing everything they can to please their partner, family members or friends, even things they don’t really want to do. They are a submissive partner.
They might end up with a partner that isn’t right for them, for fear of being alone.
To keep the peace or to not be displeasing, they withhold all their negative emotions.
They have trouble making decisions on their own.
They are devastated when relationships end and move quickly into a new relationship to avoid being single.
They can’t finish projects or complete goals by themselves.
Examples of TV/movie characters with dependent personality disorder tendencies
Buster Bluth in Arrested Development, Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character in Single White Female.
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