I'm in finals week of what probably will be my worst semester at college--it'll tank my GPA. To women in engineering fields--does GPA matter much when you're out of college? In five years, will I lament or even remember this?
I've settled in with a HVM that adores me and I find myself somewhat more at peace, and I realize I'm lucky to have found one so early on. Now, though, I find myself burnt out and miserable with academics (the reason I did worse than usual is that I had surgery mid-semester so I'm also still recovering from that) but also the larger overarching realization that having a HVM partner doesn't take the big struggles out of life like I hoped it would. I've got a big piece of the puzzle down and I'm happy for that, but I still have to finish my degree, figure out what to do post-grad, figure out what subject I really care about before the "trial period" of college ends, find my HVW bridesmaids (or just better friends)--and worst off, I've got this undying pessimism (burnout?) about the unfixable nature of things. We're not meeting the agreements necessary to stall climate change, abortion bans are getting worse, overconsumption is killing the planet, social media has become nothing but short-form content that's killing peoples' brains, and I can't seem to connect with anyone deeply anymore. People don't seem to want to at this age.
It's driven me into this strange spiral of thoughts. My boyfriend's really sweet and does his best to understand and fulfill me--but now I'm almost resentful of it. I feel like his easy kindness has made me used to preferential treatment from him and from everyone. His gifts are now met with less excitement than before because I've come to expect them. I still try to remain grateful, but instead of overanimated jumping for joy about very nice things, it's more of a "Thank you so much, I love you" short conversation and moving on. I've tried to "detox" myself by remembering the shit relationships I've been in before and that girls my age will put up with now, but it all just repulses me because now that I've been treated genuinely well--I daresay put on a pedestal--I don't think I have it in me to put up with anything worse.
When some of my friends didn't reach out to me at all during my month-long recovery, it gave me the same repulsive feeling. I just want to find new friends, because now I know I can be treated better than this.
And now I have the jading realization that now that I've found one HVM, there's nothing to fear because they're definitely out there, and I can find another if things go sour. Even if I can't, I'm not as afraid of being single as before thanks to FDS. Can anyone relate? Any thoughts?
I think your stress over school is overshadowing and dimming your perspective on life. Enjoy your man, and appreciate him. As for your GPA, it doesn't matter all that much unless you're going for a doctorate or some other high degree. What matters is if you know enough to pass the PE so that you can be licensed. Try to really learn and understand your courses and not just rote memorize like so many great students do. My GPA was only a 2.91 as a Nuclear Engineer, but from what I've seen of my classmates, they just memorized and dumped the knowledge. You want to learn how to properly study and teach yourself whilst in college. You want to learn how to think critically and solve problems. That's not something a test can actually prepare you for. Hang in there. It gets better if you just keep trying.